May 24, 2010

I don't really know why, but a positive attitude always trumps a pity party. It's just true.

When I got out of bed this morning, I didn't feel on top of the world, but I had no definite plans set for myself for the day, so I didn't really care. I began to talk myself into just going with the blah feeling that was setting in rather quickly. Then I made myself take a shower and get dressed, although that is not what I really wanted to do. I then found myself laying on the bed, and deciding to just remain there all day if I wanted to. But I called Julie, and after the call, I began to feel better. That may also have been due to a half a pain pill and three pain relievers. Then I began moving, doing little odd jobs that had been bugging me for some time. I also took bread dough out of the freezer, and set it up to thaw out. By noon, I was in a happy mood. Well, as happy as I can be, while still limping my way around the apartment.

I was indeed shocked to see large snowflakes falling this morning at 8 A.M. They continued for about an hour. It's almost the end of May???? What is with the snow?????

The door key wouldn't come out of the lock. But after a trip to the office to report the condition, the problem was solved and under control in 15 minutes. I LOVE living here!!!!

I love fresh baked bread with honey butter. I love positive ideas running through my head . I love snow when it melts and the skies turn blue. I love getting rid of boxes, and newspapers, and re-cycleables, and I love the lid to the bin being open when I get there. I love oranges.

I wonder if Karen will make it to pool exercises tomorrow. I love possibilities.

May 18, 2010

Somewhere along the way, in the past few days, I seem to have turned a corner. Life looks better to me than it has for quite awhile. And I am enjoying it again.

It seems that for the past few months I have been letting life get me down, and keep me down. Oh, there have been bright spots along the way, and reasons to keep doing ordinary things. But, much of it seemed like "ordinary things". I have been dreading getting out of bed in the mornings, and not looking forward to the things I felt I must do. But something changed, and I don't really know what it was, but life took a little turn I had never seen before. I has become more apparent to me very recently, that if my life is going to change in any way, I am the one who has to make the change happen. So, I started looking at things a tiny bit differently, and I am seeing a new way of living my life.

My back and arm pain are still on my mind a lot, and for so long been giving me an excuse for not doing the things I really want to do. And, I have basically quit doing the exercises I hate. Then I am faced with self-disappointment, and self-disgust, simply adding to my sense of hopelessness, and self pity. Sure I am in pain, and things are more painful to do, but it makes more sense to me to do those things, and accomplish something, and increase my sense of self worth, or let myself lay on the bed each day, feeling sorry for myself. So, I started moving, and doing so in a more positive and helpful direction.

Last week I finally defrosted the freezer. That doesn't sound like much, but it made me feel good about my abilities, and I actually saw something positive in my life when I got through. In the meantime, I haven't scrap booked for months, and the bedroom is filling up with scrap booking mess. So, Sunday, and Monday, I cleaned up the scrap booking haven, and feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I signed up for arthritus exercise classes, and pool maintenance for a month, and actually went to the first exercise class today. Then I went to Ross and bought two new swim suits. Sunday, Julie gave me a vast amount of summer clothes that she has outgrown. Yesterday, and today, I threw away a lot of my old clothes, put them in garbage bags to give away, and hung up my "new clothes" , and reorganized my closet. The day just kept moving along, rain and all.

Schwans delivered my food order, UPS brought the Sizzix I ordered, I ordered Red Hat stickers on line, and kept myself busy all day. I still worked in a half hour rest on the massage pad, and read for awhile this afternoon.

So, what I have discovered is, being in pain all the time, does not mean I cannot reach some, to most of the goals I set for myself. The pain is there. The choice to move through it and do something I enjoy, or lay on the bed in pain, is my choice.

Now, I am counting on a "no rain " day on Thursday. It is time I bought and planted some flowers. I CAN do this!

May 10, 2010

There is no special reason for this blog. I just feel like it.

yesterday was Mother's Day. It was not different than any other Mother's Day has been for the past few years, just nice. Marilyn and Gregory gave me a heating pad, and some fuzzy pink and white socks, and some delicious candy, which I left in the hot car, and got damaged during my lunch time with Julie. But, after refrigerating it, it still tastes wonderful. And I was very happy to share one with Gregory as I opened my gift. I would have given him anything!!

My hair appointment is changed so that I have no conflict with the Red Hat grill-off.

I am going to meet Karen at TOSH tomorrow for arthritic pool exercises. Thus, today, I decided I had better go buy a lock for a locker. I didn't do that during my therapy routines, but it is probably a good idea. I am so sleepy.

I finished The Help last night, and began reading Family Tree. This is going to be good too. So many books to read, and so little time. I have to get Twenty Wishes out of the library by Wednesday. This has turned into a busy week. How did that happen?

My refrigerator is now happier. It is defrosted and cleaned! I'm thinking of taking a nap.

May 7, 2010

Now that I am up, showered and dressed, I really believe that today will be a great day. I was slightly skeptical when the alarm went off this morning so early.

Today, I am spending the day with friends! What better way to spend a day. Scrap booking at Charm's.

I prepared the lunch yesterday afternoon/evening, and it looks perfect to me.

I am really enjoying my book.

Funny, I kind of thought this coming week would be free, and it is beginning to fill up, at least in my head. I know that I am having lunch with Helen on Tuesday, and hopefully doing arthritic pool exercises with Karen on Tuesday and Thursday. Wednesday we Red Hatters have lunch at Goodwoods, and Friday we go to Good Things Utah. See, the week filled up.

I don't expect a lot from Mother's Day. I will spend the later portion of it alone, I know. But, I will try to use it to make myself happy. Whatever that may be.

I do need to get busy this month and do some serious house cleaning. Defrost fridg, clean kitchen, remove boxes, clear patio, plant flowers, and organize my stuff. I also really need to clear and organize my scrap booking area. I can't find anything. It's a disaster!

Hopefully, I will have the energy to do my exercises tonight. If not, I must not let the guilt get to me. Tomorrow is a whole new day.

May 5, 2010

Goodness , I enjoyed yesterday so much, that I was so tired by the end of the day, that nothing else got done. Not even exercises, and I promised myself I would do them at the end of the day. That never happens. I should know that.

I love having breakfast with Red Hatters. We always have such a great time. I love meeting new people, and always enjoy Village Inn food. I was through there at 11, so I needed to kill at least an hour and a half. Went to Target. Bought another red hat, on sale.

Book club was great. We had a really good discussion, and it was so nice. I even had time to spend some one-on-one time with Karen before the others arrived.

Then I went directly to Roberts in Brickyard Plaza. The store was a mess, and there was little there I wanted, but I got $68 worth of stuff for less than $17 . I love sales like that!!!!!

I have about decided that the reason I felt so good as I wrote my last blog was because I had taken a half a pain pill about two hours earlier, and it was making me feel so good. I haven't felt that good since. It depresses me to think that it takes half a pain pill to make me feel that good, and sure of myself. Where has my natural inner spark gone? I used to be able to find it at will. Does that mean I need to be a little drugged up to feel that wonderful? However, pain free is a happy feeling, invoking feeling of self-mastery and enthusiasm. I used to have it without them. That makes me feel bad.

May 3, 2010

Today turned into a good day. No real reason that I can put my finger on, but I just feel good about who and what I am right now. So question, why can't I feel this positive, and happy, and self-assured all the time? Is it part of my genetic make-up that causes days, and weeks, and a life-time of being unsure of myself and my abilities?

When I got out of bed this morning, I was overcome with anxiety and my thoughts wandered, and I did not feel centered or on target of any kind. But, after pool therapy, I went to Wendy's and had a salad, scanned through the book club book, then went to Smiths to pick up a prescription and a few groceries. By the time I got home I was achy and totally exhausted. Laid on the mat, and fell asleep. When I got up, I started doing things. Nothing monumental, or important, but just moving around. I am feeling better. I feel like the "me" I like best.

Perhaps it was getting the steps in writing about the pool maintainence program, and seeing that it is not cost prohibitive. I copied it off for Karen, and am ready to take it to her tomorrow. I am making plans in my head for the rest of this week, and feel good about where I am going, and how I am going to do the things in my head.

Maybe it was in part the love I felt from Marilyn's e-mail this morning, or the pool therapy itself, and the people in the pool, or completing the therapy, under instructions for the last time. I can do this! And I can continue to do this. I can increase the strength of my muscles, and begin walking again, and make myself feel good. That's pretty powerful!

I do need to break away from some of the ingrained habits I feel push me around, and prevent me from doing what I want to do. I can do my laundry on Wednesday, and free myself up for Thursday and Friday. I can go to Roberts tomorrow after I return my book to the library, and get things on a good sale. I can use some money to go to Ross on Saturday to buy me a few new pieces of clothing, perhaps maybe even another swim suit. I can ask questions, and search for answers, and research topics of interest to me. I can associate with the outside world. I can clean, and reposition, and exercise, and push myself to higher goals and ambitions. I can!

Get up earlier, try a little walk. Read the newspaper more thoroughly. Read different kinds of books. Try new hobbies. Search out volunteer sites. Find ways to meet new people. Change my opinions about old concepts. Branch out, move on. Apply for a job at McDonald's? They are hiring 700 new employees right now. Check into a part time job at the library? Research a cruise? Am I just lazy, or do I doubt my abilities too much? Try something new. LIVE!!!