Grandma Di is back!

Gregory and I are now aware that Grandma Di is back. We are back. Our mutual comfort is back. And I am so happy about that.

When I think how nervous and worried I was last week at this time, it seems so silly now. But at that time the uncertainty was there in heavy doses. All it took was two days to renew the old feelings of comfort that only come with being alone with my only grandson.

But this time, I cannot hug him to my satisfaction, or cover his cute little face with kisses every few minutes. He has grown beyond that, and this is a little painful for me. Because if I did what I really want to do, I would be hugging and kissing him all day long. But I know that he loves me more for not attempting to do it. This child is growing so quickly, and maturing faster than my emotions can deal with. But being a wise old woman, I know the passion I feel for him must remain subdued. Our closeness yet remains very much in tact. How blessed I am. I know too that his mother is happy that I am back in this position. And I am thankful for having a little more time with her than I have had for quite awhile.

I am still trying to balance the rest of my life with my "grandma tending " responsibilities. I am more of a complete person when I do more that try to be the center of my little grandson's life. I am becoming more "me" and that makes me happier, and more interesting, and more able to love and be loved. My only wish is that I was at least ten years younger, and my physical body had many more abilities than it is feeling now. I still feel that life has so much to offer me, and that I am not taking advantage of all opportunities, and not reaching out far enough. Maybe too, I am now allowing myself to feel deeply either.

Why do I always feel this much better in the night time, two to three hours after I have taken my pain pill, and am relaxed in bed? I have felt pain through my body all day long, and just was waiting for evening to come so that I could feel this relaxed, and this good. Why can't I rationally allow myself to feel this free and good during the day? I do believe that the answer is in the fact that during the day I allow myself to worry about what may happen, what could happen, what I fear will happen, and do not realize how to just relax and flow. I have used my whole lifetime thinking about the next hour, day, week, month, and never allow myself to just "feel the moment". I wonder if I could better my life by consciously thinking about the good in every moment during each day. And will I remember this conscious moment tomorrow when even the slightest thing begins to worry me?

Status Changes and Anxiety

Once a pattern for life is set in my mind and heart, it is so hard to change it. Change of almost any kind, brings on undo amounts of anxiety.

I'm quite sure my status is changing , soon, very soon, and my mind it not ready for the change. It is not a bad change. In fact it is and should be a very happy change. But , still the anxiety exists. It disturbed my sleep last night, and as a result has caused me physical pain, and upset stomach all day long.

I should be thrilled to death, and in a way, I am. I will soon be back into Gregory's everyday life, and we can again regain our closeness, and mutual bonding. He is such a joy to me. But, at the same time, my daily life will change, and not terribly comfortably.

Son-in-law appears to have a job, a good job, a promising job, and a profitable job. For them, it is an answer to prayer. They have been hanging on finacially to a thread for many months, and it in turn has upset me to see the pain and anxiety my beautiful daughter has been going through. Now things will turn around, and their world will eventually have some stability, and security, which has been seriously needed for many, many months.

For me, with my severe back pain, it will mean more, and prolonged daily back pain, and tiredness. It will mean that the things I normally do for myself, on a daily basis, will not always be available to be. Can I adjust to not getting to my TOSH pool exercises? Can I adapt to not being able to rest when the need arises? What about other activities I have picked up in the last year? Can my schedule work around his so that I can do the other things I love? Will I have help and cooperation from the other grandparents?

It will be easier once school starts again. And after that time, I will be freer to use my days as I choose. It's only for the first month that I worry about the sudden changes in my lifestyle.

I love him so much and have missed our time together. I am so happy that this change should eradicate much of Marilyn's anxiety. I will really love being part of his life again.

But change is difficult. Even positive change. Am I really able to do this , and do it as well as I would like to for their sake? Will I disappoint them, and myself? Will my body endure this?

So many questions and fears. My head aches. My body aches, and my stomach is feeling nauseous. Questions and fears keep running through my head.

I love him so much. And I have longed for this time for over a year. So why now am I such a train wreak?

Invictus

I watched a movie last week, via Block Buster, and it starred Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandella. I enjoyed the movie very much. But I didn't understand the title of the movie. What was Invictus? What did it mean?

I was aware of the history of Nelson Mandella. I knew what a courageous man he is. But, until the end of of movie, until he quoted some lines of poetry, I was lost in the deepness of the theme of this movie. Then I heard somewhere recently, the same lines he quoted in poetry from the movie. Aha, it's a poem. So, I pulled out my book of poetry from the book shelf, and looked up the poem Invictus. It is a poem written by William Ernest Henley. I read the poem. The last two lines in this poem were the lines quoted in the movie. Plus, they fully made it clear to me, why those lines were important to the movie, and also personally important to Mandella. He spent many years in prison for living according to his beliefs. It was a terrible and inhumane place for anyone to have to survive for that many years. Yet , he survived, and triumphed, and held to his ideals leading the people of South Africa to the freedom they longed for for so many years. The movie then took on more clarity, and depth than when I first watched it. What a story of bravery and conviction.

" I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul"

BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!