January 31 ,2010

Last day of Januaray. Good-bye January.

Changes in my life make me uncomfortable. But I will make it. Changing my appointment will be better for everyone, but the prospect does fill me with anxiety. Push past it.

Now, if I could just get my newly uploaded pictures where I want them, I could post them on my profiles. I'll figure it out. Though it may take me a few days of thinking and doing.

Buddhism is so complicated. But maybe a few more hours of organizing my thoughts around the big picture will help. I also want to finish "Have a Little Faith" by tomorrow.

I do love book club! It's a place I feel loved and appreciated. And I love sharing our ideas about books. And I probably read more than anyone else in the club, so in my mind, I am a font of information about books that I love.

I need to get ready for Bible study at Greg and Jennie's. Without Greg or Jennie today. Should be interesting Kim.

January 30, 2010

Wonderful!!!! I just checked my bank statement, and my VA check is in place, my place. I was a little concerned until I checked.

Greg called and set my appointment up an hour. But, I'll deal with it. It will give me another hour, after the hair is cut. I just want to get my letters addressed and stamped before I leave here.

I so enjoyed lunch with Karen yesterday. We sat in Rooster Waffle for two and a half hours, and talked and talked. I wish we could do this more often. We relate on so many levels. We fully understand each other. There are so few people I feel really understand me. But Karen is so important to me. I wish I could give go her what she gives to me. She strengthens me, and encourages me, and makes me feel that I can do anything. She is such a blessing in my life.

So many books to read, and so little time. I have books in this house I have not read, and would really like to. I have books around here I have read , but would love to read again, simply because they are so good. There are books on shelves in book stores, and libraries that I have never read. So many possiblities. I can't imagine my life without reading. The whole concept leaves me feeling empty. Very things on television are worth the time I give them. That time would be better spent in reading. I have a religion text I would like to read and devour it's messages, and I am not fully there. So much information to gain, and I spent too much time with trivial things which, in the long run don't really matter. I guess that is true with so many things in life, but reading always comes to mind when I think of things I would love to do with my life. Reading and learning and understanding new ideas and concepts of life. Learning never gets old, or useless.

The sun in shining. I doubt it will last long. I should be enjoying the fact that a sun is visable today. The inversion puts such a damper on days that could, or should be nice.

I am so looking forward to the next week. I have so many fun things coming up. Actually, even today is full of promise. I am getting my hair cut. I am going to Marilyn's to get her to take picures of me in my brand new hair cut. I want to go out and find purple ribbon with white polka dots to decorate my new hat.

Monday is book club. That is such a highlight. Tuesday is breakfast with Red Hatters, plus my religion class. Wed. I am going to join in a card making class and make valentine cards. Next Saturday I am going to Shirley's to scrap book for a few hours. Something great to look forward to all week long. Life is good.

Still, I would like to meet more people, develop new relationships, make more dear friends, and learn to experience and enjoy everything in my life. I just need more awareness. These oppotunities are probably all around me, and I am probably missing some important things along the way. Start looking Diane. All of life is availale.

January 29, 2010

I am sincerely hoping that my check arrives in my bank during the night. That will just make everything so much easier. Otherwise, I guess I'll be living off my credit card, and I don't want that at all.

Yesterday was such a good day. I felt less pain , until night time. I actually saw some pretty blue sky, and a few white puffy clouds. During the day the air seemed clearer, and brighter. Biggest highlight? Gregory, Gregory, Gregory. He was so much fun, and he spent most of the time I was there, with me, at my side. We talked about his friends at school, and the recesses he has, and the names of his friends at school. Case, from Challenger, is still his best friend, although he never sees him anymore. He and Case did have a wonderful friendship, and it meant a lot to Gregory.

My highlight today is lunch with Karen. I always look forward to lunch with Karen. She and I can talk to each other, as with no one else. There is something about Karen that makes me feel very special and appreciated. I think Karen and I have always felt this way about each other. We are really soul mates , and probably always will be.

One more letter to write, to Deanna, and my monthly letters are done. I do love the feeling of having these letters done. It is an accomplishment on my part, and it makes me feel good. I want to be sure I ask Deanna about her blog spot. I have lost that address. So many addresses to keep track of. I should keep all these things in a small note book somewhere, and be able to get to them when I want to. I think that is referred to as organization. That's a concept I appreciate, but seldom acheive.

Why do I have this sleepy feeling? I feel , right this minute, like I could go right back to bed, and really sleep. But , I had plenty of sleep last night. I believe it is true, that time in front of the computer screen makes you sleepy. Not fair. This is the time I want to feel my brightest, and most alert.

I did a little reading of my text yesterday, and Buddhism is so much more interesting than Hinduism. Still complex, but more interesting. Buddha had some very interesting, and deep feelings about living a better life, and gaining enlightenment. It takes a lot of strenth of character to adhere to that kind of a life-stlye. I doubt I could live it, but it sounds pretty ideal. Reading about the depth of thinking and reasoning these ancients revealed, it pretty profound. It takes a lot more in-depth thinking than I have ever been able to accomplish. My mind wanders away to unimportant things very easily and quickly. It would take a great deal of heavy sustained thought to keep the focus in place to live that kind of a life. It would be a challenge.

January 28, 2010

It's Thursday already. This week has flown by.

I enjoyed dinner with Red Hatters last night at Epic. Two new members showed up, at least Paula is a a for-sure. We had a large group last night. The food was excellect, the cost a little high, but I'm sure it was worth it. I have some Chicken Marcella , or whatever it is, left for dinner tonight.

This morning I am writing letters. I'm in a good enough mood to do that today, and can connect, at least on paper to Arlene, Shirlene, Sharon, and Deanna.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious to get to Marilyn's today to do my laundry. I get to see my little Gregory as soon as he comes home from school. Just setting eyes on that little boy fill me with so much joy. If I get the laundry done early enough, I may stay a little longer, just to be with him, and enjoy him. My car can move for Marilyn's arrival.

Tomorrow, I meet Karen for lunch at the Rooster Waffle . Their food is always good, and it is a great place to be able to talk and catch up for Karen and I . I really wish we could do this more often. She keeps saying she has nothing going on in her life, but as with everyone else, it isn't entirely true. This has been our only chance this month to get together. But, maybe the longer wait is what makes the experience so wonderful.

I wonder if I can go all day without a pain pill. Right now I don't need one, but, by the time I get my laundry to Marilyn's I may wish I had one. I'll take the bottle with me. Maybe.

At this point, I'm torn between reading my Religion text on Buddaism, and reading Mitch Alboms book Have a Little Faith. Albom's book is due at the library on Monday, but I should be able to finish it by then, it's small, and reading quickly. But Buddha is really interesting . I want to read this chapter twice before Tuesday night. And learn some terms and concepts that I assume will be on a quiz. I really am enjoying this class. It is broadening my mind in relation to other faiths and beliefs. Hindu is very deep, and very interesting. I may do more research into it's faith and practices. I am so thankful for the opportunity to take classes and broaden my perspective of life. Especially the theory that "we are all connected" .

Okay, it's time to quit sitting here daydreaming, and get into my letter writing. So many things I want to do, and so little time. And, Diane, take time to "smell the roses". And expecially today, love Gregory to pieces.

January 27, 2010

I am thankful that I have been able to get in to see doctors so quickly, and get the results in the same manner. I have now seen my MRI and it only confirms in my mind what my body has been telling me for so long. I have two herniated discs in my lower back ,and they are pinching and causing pain on my sciatic nerve. Thus, my back and right leg hurt, and the things that hurt me worst, are because of this condition.

Thankfully, relief is possible. I am now on effective pain pills, and have an appointment in two weeks to recieve cortisone treatments. The pain pills are a little tricky , as I don't want to take them when I need to go somewhere, driving. Yet, soon after I take them, I feel like I can take on the world, and want to go do it. So, basically, emotionally I feel better, knowing that my condition has been explained by the medical community and that help is here, and further help is on it's way.

I loved World Religions class last night. As the belief was explained it became clearer to me, how very complicated this belief system is, and how hard the believers must work to realize their goal in life.

Today, I am going to two libraries, and to Smiths to pick up a prescription. The evening will be spent with my Red Hat friends having dinner. I do have a life. It may be a little narrow, but it is comfortable for me, and I get out of it what I put into it. If it gets too empty from time to time, it's because I have granted it permission to be that way. If it sometimes feels too full or over-whelming, again , it's because I allow it to do so.

January 26, 2010

I got it to see my doctor yesterday about my MRI, and she confirmed that I had bad back problems. She recommended a back and spine doctor, and I set up an appointment for this morning. Now that I am down to finding out what I can do, I am getting a little nervous. All my fears are surfacing. It's a good thing I don't have to wait days or weeks to get into the doctor, I would then have time to work my way all the way to a nervous breakdown, based on my fears about my back.

The very last thing I want to hear from a doctor is that the only treatment is surgery. I have heard too many negative things in regard to back surgery. The only good thing I have heard was from Ken and Jerrie. My real fear is being further disabled, or having no real answers for this problem. But, a few more hours, and I will be receiving answers to some of these fears.

In the meantime, I can focus on the good things going on in my life this week. I have religion class tonight, and I always enjoy that. Schwans man is coming today to bring me new things for my freezer. Tomorrow I go to the library to return books, and pick up a new one. I have dinner with my Red Hat friends tomorrow night. Thursday is laundry day, and time spent with Gregory. Friday I have lunch with Karen. And Saturday I get my hair cut. During this week also, I will complete my monthly letters, and work on Gregory's scrap book. It's a good week. Something to look forward to each day. And now I have great pain pills for bad back times.

The best way to over-come these fears is to get the answers I want and need, and do whatever it takes to alleviate the pain. Not feeling this pain is my ultimate goal.

January 25, 2010

Monday morning. Too bad I'm not showered and dressed and ready to take on the day. But, I'll get there. My body doesn't allow quick movements in the mornings. When it is ready to move, I'll move it. The time will come when the time comes. I have no schedule again today, so the choices are mine to make at will.

I will call the clinic and make an appointment . That is at the top of my list for necessary things to do today. It would be very nice too, if I began my monthly letters today, and was able to complete as many as possible. Sometime today, I am hoping that a marvelous idea hits me in regard to the Christmas pages for Gregory's scrap book. Then I will just do one more page for the events of my birthday for his scrap book.

Television offered me so little last night that I watched the first hour of Carosel. I used to love these musicals. But after about an hour of this, it just felt so cheesy and artifical, I couldn't take it anymore. When I was a child, these movies seemed so magical , and romantic, and beautiful. Now they seem silly, and not worth my time. But when I was a child, I dreamed dreams, and felt beautiful, and it felt that all things were possible, even singing and dancing on pianos, and furnature, and in the rain on the streets. Now my practical side would worry about the marked left on the piano if Donald O'Connor were to actually tap dance on it today.

I really do need to start moving some time very soon. It's Monday, and the day is waiting for me to discover something new, and feel what I feel, and get out of old habits, perhaps. However, too many days come and go, and I feel triumph when I can make it into bed with my book at nights, and know that nothing bad will happen to me during the night.

January 24, 2010

I did write in this spot this morning, however, I inadvertantly neglected to post it. I thought about that all day. But, I can do this any time I want to do it. So, now it is evening of the same date, and my day is about completed.

I have had a good day. The last two hours have felt like magic. I took a pain pill a little after 4 this afternoon, and I am feeling better than I have for many, many days. I feel a little woozy, but quite enthusiastic. Relaxed, but happy, and in so much less pain. It is difficult to maintain a really happy attitude when the pain is a constant priority. This is nice.

As soon as I assume the Greenwood Clinic is open in the morning, I will call and make an appointment to see the doctor who now has my MRI results. I really do need some answers, and as soon as possible. But the ball has begun rolling, and at this moment it is in my court. So, I will indeed run with it.

I am proud of myself. I only spent money today on breakfast I had with Julie at IHOP. I came directly home, and did not leave again. Can't spend money when I am not in the market place.

As a whole, I really believe that life is quite wonderful. I am aware that attitude, maintaining a positive, happy attitude is a large portion of that experience. There is so much disaster, and unhappiness, and real sorrow in the world as a whole, the be able to find bright spots along the way is a great experience. It is the good feelings about life that keep me going, keep me from sadness or mild depression on gloomy days. And yes, gray, cloudly, cold days have a tendency to make me less happy than I would be when Spring arrives.

I deleted all the pictures in my digital camera today. The ones I want are printed, and no more film will be wasted on pictures I don't want. I have a hard time with the realization that taking pictures with a digital camera only wastes film and copy paper when they are not worth printing. Therefore, as I take pictures from now on, I will work on subject perfection. After all, that is the reason I am taking a picture to begin with. Thus, if I perfect my ability to capture the perfect picture inside the camera, I will have only perfect pictures to be developed. That is indeed logical, and sensible. I am telling myself that I can do this.

Tomorrow morning I begin writing my monthly letters. I always look forward to this time. It's my attempt to reflect, and try to re-connect with my friends. It means a lot to me. I wish I could see my friends so much more often. See them in person , read their facial expressions, hear their voices, and feel their feelings. Letter writing is as close as I can come in most instances. It makes me feel good.

January 23,2010

It's pretty early in the morning to feel so empowered, but, I'm beginning to feel it. I just added Kesia and Linda to my blog spot . I kept wondering how to do that all day yesterday. Now it is done. That ensures my sense of ability to do new things.

Yesterday was a totally free day, and with it, I did almost nothing. Mostly I did a whole lot ot sitting. That was not a good idea. The more I sit, the deeper the back pain. Thus, by 9 PM, I couldn't get to bed fast enough. Thank Heaven for pain pills, even old, expired pain pills. By Monday, I must contact the Dr. to set an appointment to find out what my MRI results were, and find out what I can do to alleviate at least some of this pain. It is depressing to be in this much pain all the time. I have almost forgotten what it is to be pain free.

So, keeping in mind that today too is a free day, I will not allow myself to sit as much today. However, so much of what I do constitutes sitting , in some form. I sit at the computer, I sit to read, I sit to scrap book, and sit to watch TV. But my back doesn't care. And I do move better when I am not sitting. I am going to assume that sitting to do anything is necessary, but that I must get up, and move, and straighten the back to relieve the pressure from time to time, to not be in constant pain. It makes logical sense. That doesn't mean that I am always logical.

Since my text book for my World Religions class arrived, I have been reading as quickly and thoroughly as possible. I skipped the first few chapters, since I am behind. Next Tuesday we will be discussing Hinduism, and having a quiz on it. Therefore, I am reading the chapter on Hinduism, and trying to absorb all I can from this concise description of such a complex religion. It is just so difficult to absorb the Hindu doctrine. It is very strange, and hard to wrap my mind around such an odd belief. The goal of a true Hindu is to reach Nirvana. Their greatest fear is having to go through re-birth again. Therefore, I guess suicide is pointless. I am going to really enjoy this class. It is concise, but with any class, that is the case. The man who teaches this class is making it so much fun, and besides, I am auditing the class. But, I do look froward to writing the 2 seven pages papers that are due during the course of this class. And I'm going to look at the quizzes as a way to actually see what knowledge I have attained along the way.

I got The Time Traveler's Wife from the library the other day, and began reading it, but I am having a difficult time really getting into it. The idea that this man just disappears from time to time, and then reappears, is so inconceivable to me. I may not get through this one. Besides I have four other books from the library that I want to read more, that are due next week. Life is too short to read all the books I want to read.

I just tried something a few minutes ago, and I'm going to try it again. If it works, I will explain what it is. If it doesn't, it means I don't know how to get pictures on here.

Eureka!!! I did it. The pictures at the top of this spot are my first attempt at uploading pictures to something I am sending through space. Thus, explainations.

The first picture is of my Gregory and I making Christmas cookies for Christmas, and Santa. Sure he is on the counter, but it was the best shot. The second picture is of me, on the left front, with my Red Hat sisters at a barbeque place for lunch one day. The waiter took our picture so that we were all included.

Now that I know I can do this, I am going to whip my digital camera out, wherever I go, and get shots of everything, and hand the camera to whoever is next to me, and search for a good profile shot for my Face Book spot. My daughter informs me, and I do agree, that I am a lousy photographer. Maybe I just need more practice, and more willing subjects who will patiently wait while I align the camera position, and get the corrct angle. Okay, I'll work on that.

Having accomplished this, I will close up the computer, at least for the time being, and see what I can do to keep this positive feeling going.

January 22, 2010

Some days just feel right. Yesterday was one of those. It was nothing really special, but a "feel good" day, all day long. I have to discount the constant back ache, and pain of walking. I am feeling that the pain is just part of my life now days, and must smile in spite of it.

Fortunately, I bought fabric softener sheets on the way to Marilyn's . There were none at her place. It was a normal laundry day, but perked up once Gregory walked through the door. His voice alone, lifted my spirits. I asked him how his day was, and he resignedly said "Okay" . He doesn't love school, or his new class as much as I had hoped he would. But at least his attitude is honest. I am hoping for his sake that he really learns to love school. It would make his whole life so much happier. When he is not happy, I'm not happy. At the same time, he must face as much reality as he can and still be reasonably happy. He is a secure little guy. He knows he is loved and accepted for who and what he is. That is a blessing. He was telling me his plans for the future yesterday. I'm sure those ideas were planeted by his dad, and that's a good thing. He plans to go to school for a long, long time, then go to college, then join the marines, then take up boxing as a life-time profession. However, joining the marines is still his main goal. He wants to go out there and fight the bad guys, and use his many weapons and fire power. He will always take his boxing gloves with him, in case he runs out of ammo and needs to just fight the bad guys with his hands in boxing gloves.

I'm feeling a little unhappy about Marilyn returning to work at Encore tonight. She loves her free, end-of-the-week Friday nights. But, she is so strong, and has determined to do what she feels she must do, to keep the family afloat. Her financial worries dominate her life, and keep her from really feeling free and happy. I am hoping and praying and some day soon, life changes for the positive for her and her family. I realize too, that her situation is not unique, nor is she the only woman in the world struggling to create a better life for her family. But she is my daughter, and many times I really hurt for her. No one wants to see their children suffer hardships, or heartache. When she was five years old, I could kiss her boo-boos, and hold her in my arms to give her comfort. Can't do that anymore, and that is very painful for me.

I love the way Gregory wants to share his world with me. He showed me some fun things in his room, that he and his dad had set up to allow his soldiers to slide down a tiny nylon string to the floor. These were set up in his room in two places, and he has posters and target posters on his wall, and is very happy with his room. I told him how cool his room was yesterday, and he said it was he room, and was just the way he liked it. Jer and Mar love him so much. And his life is very emotionally secure.

I googled some notes about Eastern religions yesterday, because I was not sure when my text would be arriving, and I have a quizz next Tuesday. But, when I opened my mailbox, lo and behold, there was my text! Happy!!! Our focus in the next class will be on Hinduism, so that is where I will place my focus, espescially over this week-end.

I can scrap book Gregory's Christmas, and my birthday in his scrap book this week-end. I will do all I can, then take my printed journal pages, and paper to put them on, and lots of Gregory pictures to Shirley's on the 6th, and finish it up. Then I can give it to Marilyn on her birthday.

I need to have someone take more pictures of me on my digital camera, so that I can download them, then put some in here, and in my face book space. I even know how to order them on-line now from Walmart. January is not over yet, and I have already learned something new in the world of computers.

Why do I measure my success or failure of any day on how many things I accompish? Is it how I measure my worth?

Thursday, Jauary 21, 2010

It is now the 21st day of January 2010, and thanks to my beautiful daughter, I am back to my precious blog site. I have been trying to get into this spot for over 20 days now, and today, I feel powerful.
Today, I go do my laundry at my daughter's home, and I will see, touch, kiss, love my little grandson. It is the surest day of the week to guarantee that I get to see my darling Gregory. I spent the first five years of his life with him every week day, and our bond is so strong. I am so thankful for that. But since his father has been out of work since April, I see him on a less frequent basis. Yes, there are times I make up excuses to go over there, just to see him. I need the reassurance that I am still important in his life. It is not always easy to be rational about this when I am old, and living alone. There are times when reasoning just flys out the window and is replaced with longing and lonliness.

I just need to scrap book Gregory's Christmas pages, and I can present his yearly scrapbook to Marilyn , on her birthday. But I can do that in a day or two, so I am not worried about getting it accomplished. Somehow, I feel like my scrapbooking is losing it's quality and grandeur as I go along. But it is done from my personal perspective, and reflects my thoughts and love for him in some small way. Hopefully, I will feel better as I work on his one for "six year old".

Now that I am actually into my blog page, I hate to quit. I will work on improving this page, and make myself feel prouder of it as time goes on, but , in the meantime, this is it. I need to get my camera out, and take lots of pictures of Gregory to post places ,now that I know how to do it. Eventually, I will make this page say who I am also. Today, I'm just remaining simple. I'm far too unsure of myself to get into too much elaborate stuff. When I find it, and feel comfort with it, I'll add it. Who knows, I may even create poetry in here. That would be a reach.