April 26 , 2010

Today feels good. Don't know why, but it is feeling good.

Sunshine, blue skies, comfortable temperatures, and looking forward to things.

Pool therapy did hurt today. I ached from the nape of my neck to the tops of my feet, and everywhere in between those spots. But I persevered. Then I made up my mind not to let it interfere with the rest of my day. So, I drove to 7-11, then onward to Michaels. I took my time picking out flowers I wanted to go on my wreath, and got all but one thing on sale, and used the coupon for the other bunch of flowers, so I saved. Now I am determined to wait until tomorrow to start work on the wreath, but I really want to start on it right this minute.

I'm drinking coffee to stay awake because I am going to pick up Julie at the airport about 8:30 tonight. That's about the time I am usually getting into bed position. So, I need to just keep moving. But even now I am feeling sleepy. Some of this may be because I am sitting in front of the computer screen. It does that to me.

I love the new top I bought at WalMart the other day. This is the second day I've worn it, and I still love it dearly.

I took my contract into the office this morning, all signed and initialed. Tomorrow I will call the carpet cleaning service and set up a date.

I have eaten semi-healthy today. Strawberrie on cereal, crackers and cheese, grapes, and an English muffin with cheese. That's probably too much cheese, but I love cheese, real cheese.

I have written three monthly letters. Only 5 more to go. Tomorrow is a free day. I can make my wreath tomorrow and write many more letters. And, I must do my exercises. They are getting easier to do, and do make my back feel better. The thing is, once I lay on the bed, that is all I want to do, plus read, and maybe eat cookies. That's at least one negative. I look forward to tomorrow. I can even sleep in with no guilt.

April 20, 2010

I've wanted to write for days now, but did't feel I had anything worthwhile to write. Yet thoughts continually run through my head. A lot of things are out there which could be commented on.

I found out that my rent is going down again this year. Not a lot, but it is going down. Even five dollars a month is worth some kind of little celebration. Because I know, that soon, the rent will go up again, and then it will be a problem as to how much it goes up. So, even going down a little is worth so much to me in the long run. Thus, when they suggested at the office that I renew for 18 months instead of the 12, I could definitely see the immediate advantage. I am however, still waiting for the paper work to appear at my door. I also asked if they would give me the discount on carpet cleaning for the first week of June, and they agreed. I will be much happier when all of this is fully agreed to, and in a permanent place. I will also be happy to find something else to do, outside my apartment on the day they clean my carpets.

Keeping up a car means putting out money to insure that the car is in good to wonderful running order. Last week Julie took me to her favorite mechanic and he analyzed and did a lot of work on my car. It cost me close to $1,000 , on my charge card, but I now feel safer, and surer of my cute little car's performance. So, it was money up against a safer, surer car, and the safer, surer won out. In the long run, I feel so much better about my little "grandma car". I guess in reality, no one can actually live "debt free". Life happens, and as long as it does, debt of some kind occurs.

I really hate the fact that I am relying on pain pills again. I think I overdid it in the pool on Monday, and thus, I paid the price. I hurt so badly by the time I came home, I consumed breakfast, and took a pain pill and enjoyed the relief. This morning, I feel pain. But, I pushed myself through my exercises, and took half a pain pill, and feel less pain. However, I don't feel save to be out on the road, behind the wheel, but, I'm quite sure that in another hour or two I will be able to make the trip to Murray library, and to Smiths to do the necessary things on my list today.

Sometimes , during any given day, my mind thinks of things I can do with the day that are fun, and worthwhile, and wonderful. Yet, as with most days, I just let the feeling for adventure and fun, and good for me urges, just pass away. I used to sit in Village Inn almost every day and have coffee and read to my heart's content. Haven't done that for many years. I do think about it though from time to time. Did I burn that experiece up and don't feel it's pleasure any more? Right now, the Spring weather is perfect. Why am I not outside soaking it in, and relaxing? Maybe I am reminded of the allergies I have acquired over the years, and only sneeze and feel my nose and eyes itch when I'm outside in Spring's glory now days.

I am so happy today that Karen's plans changed for Friday, and we can go have lunch at the Rooster Waffle cafe on Friday. I love being with Karen. I can share my life, and hopes and dreams and fears with her, and I always feel safe and happy when I am with her. I do have some very wonderful friends. I am so blessed.

I am writing. This does feel good. It dosen't even need a purpose, it's freeing, and happy. Why can't I allow myself the same thing with the scrap booking? Maybe because by the time I clean up the area to scrap book in, I'm almost too tired to actually do it. Or the inspiration has faded, or my concentration level has ebbed.

I need to learn to work through the pain. I have so many areas in my life that can be attended to, and which will add to my life, and most of my time is spent on the massaging pad, with a book in my hand.

Yesterday I thought about going out to buy some new summery clothes. Specifically, new light, airy, fun shirts, and new capris, and new sandals that are easy to get on and off, and perhaps a new swim suit. I intend to continue to spend valuable time in a swimming pool working for the benefit of my back. Thus, I do need another swimming suit. This one is getting really tired. I do deserve these things, and right now, I do have a little money to invest in such things. I would like to find a couple of really cute outfits to take to Idaho to wear to my class reunion when I go up there. And actually, I'm really looking forward to this trip. I plan to spend a few days in Rexurg with Deanna, and maybe Loa, and Shirlene, and Arlene , and then go to Island Park. I'm even looking forward to at least one day at Jerrie's before she arrives back from California. Quiet, alone time. Time to do nothing but think and read, and rest, and do whatever I want to do.

Tomorrow a big sale begins again at Kohl's and I am going after my therapy session and look at blouses, and capris, and swim suits. Sandals I will look for at PayLess. I can do this, and feel good about it.

I am looking forward to the scrap book classes that Julie and I signed up for on the 1st of May. I do need to expand my ideas for scrap booking and ways to do pages. I need much more practice too, with the stencils and chalk and the over-all methods of card making.

I'll pick Twenty Wishes for my choice for book club for June. I did like that book, and there are plenty of copies of it in the library.

I feel better . I did just need to write, and it has done wonders for me. Now, as soon as I feel responsible, I will go to the library, and to Smiths.

I do need to study my religion notes. Class tonight.

April 13, 2010

The day didn't start out wonderfully, can't explain it, it was just a feeling of unease and faint unhappiness, but I continued to function and do the things I had on my mental list. And as I did things, in the cold, and rainy weather, my outlook improved. ATTITUDE!!!!!

I knew yesterday, when Arlene's letter came back, that I would hear from her personally if I didn't re-address a new envelope and get the letter back in the mail. Sure enough, she called me on my cell phone to check on me. How nice to know that someone cares that much that they are willing to put out the money for a phone call to me, just to check on my well-being.

I talked to Lorraine, went to the library and got the book club book, went to Michaels and got yarn on sale, and a few sheets of scrap book paper on sale. I put the greenery back in place, and washed the mirrors. I did my exercises, and began the book club book. I even wrote another page for my religion paper. Ideas for that paper are floating through my head and I am going to make it by the time this week-end is over.

I'm thankful today that I don't live in Rexburg's snow and cold. Arlene made it sound dreadful.

April 10, 2010

I wonder why on days that I sleep in, my inner alarm goes off at 7:23 A.M. That is normally what happens though. If it would go off a little before 7 I would be a little more content.

I wonder why , also, when I first get out of the bed in the mornings, my back and leg do not hurt, at least not very much. Does that mean that somewhere during the night, my back found it's perfect position, and moved it's way into place, and found comfort? If so, good for it!

I tried something yesterday. I decided that if the back and leg were going to hurt, I needed to work through the pain, and accomplish something. So, I began moving. I found, much to my surprise, that the more I moved, the more back and leg comfort I found. Or.... after a while, I just didn't notice the pain as much. However, at the end of the day, I hurt less than usual. And I got a few things accomplished during the day that I had been putting off for a long, long time. I cleaned little areas in my home. Not overdoing anything as I went along. Accomplishment!!!!! I don't have to clean this whole place and make it spic and span all at the same time. I can clean little areas at a time, and make myself feel better.

I am thinking of things to put in my paper on the Amish religion. I would like to tie it to family values, and compare the way the Amish bring up their children, against living in the outside world, and seeing the differences in the family structure. I went to Murray Library and picked up three books on the Amish, and as I scan thrugh them I am finding many areas to cover. I will begin writing this paper today, and add a little bit every day. By next week at this time, the goal is to have the paper ready to print out. Goal set. Now I just have to focus the attention on the areas I want to cover, and get them into Word Perfect.

I got the Cricut cartrige I ordered yesterday. I can hardly wait to set the machine to work making things. I want to make a card for Jim and Sue to enclose Gregory's picture. I also want to make a couple of birthday cards. One for Judy, and one for Velma. Maybe too, I'll make a card up for Deanna, just to show off a little.

I'm enjoying Deanna's e-mails. She has decided that this is perhaps an easy way to communicate and I have always thought that this was the purpose of e-mail. I do like great saying and cute jokes that come through e-mail, but real messages are much more important to me.

Why am I getting sleepy again? Not fair. I do have things I want to do today. Therefore, I must get up, move, and keep moving. It seems to be the best answer to living my life.

I finished my book last night, now I will read Erma. By Wednesday, I can go to the library and get Karen's book choice for club.

April 7, 2010

There are a few things I believe. These beliefs lead me to where I go in life, and the methods used to get there.

I believe that when my heart is not in it, I should not feel compelled to write in my blog spot. Thus, I haven't been here for few days. During those days, I felt a little bit depressed and sorry for myself. I may be entitled to these days, and I may use them in any way I choose. But, during those days, I will not lament my condition on my blog spot. Because , down deep inside, it is not a true reflection of who or what I am .

I believe that I need faith in myself as a person to overcome problems in my life. So, much of what is going on in my life now is a matter of attitude, and my attitude has not been where I want it to be. If my leg hurts, it hurts. If my back feels weak, it is still a fact of life. If physical therapy hurts, it will hurt. I can't overcome the problem in my back and leg, until I personally put forth the effort to build and strengthen the muscles that need to be built up and strengthened. It just looks, from this angle, like such a very long journey. I am not, normally, a person who exercises, uses my muscles, or works on bettering my physical body. But the realization is, unless I faithfully do these exercises, and continue with the physical therapy, things will not improve, and I could be in constant pain for the rest of my life. I choose to make the difference.

I believe that when it is cold and gray, and windy, and no blue sky and fluffy clouds can be seen, I am not in the best mood. Today, I could see sunshine, puffy , beautiful clouds, and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I felt life was worth living.

I believe that realizing that certain things need to be done at certain times in my life, is not synonymous with actually getting them done. Similar perhaps, but not the same. I am realizing that after I take my wonderful pain pill at night, my mind becomes ambitious to accomplish things I have let slide for a long , long time. I almost feel like getting out of bed to begin doing those wonderful things. The next morning, however, the ambition level has receded to a very small urge. The time has come to do something, no matter how tiny towards improvement, and the furthering of my happiness in my home, and beyond. With this said, I can only hope that the goals I set this evening, will again re-surface in the morning, and I will indeed do something meaningful, and worthwhile tomorrow. Each new day is the first day of the rest of my life.

April 5, 2010

Easter got by, and I didn't get here. I did mean to, but ran out of desire, and energy.

I did enjoy my day, on the most part.

I spent time in Bible study, and soaked in the feeling and meaning of the resurrection. And the meaning remained with me all day. Maybe that was why I came home, and watched a little conference. It just felt good, and right. It felt good, and familiar to sing "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" with the choir and congregation.

But most of the afternoon, I dealt with stomach issues and the pain in the leg. Couldn't focus on much of anything else. I loses so much enjoyment of life when discomfort and pain are the major focus.

I loved seeing Gregory and getting hugs and kisses from him. He looked so grown up when I saw him, it made my heart ache.

I got through physical therapy this morning, and was happy to be at book club. I really love our group. We care about each other so much and share our sadnesses and good times.

I am feeling the effects of the rain/snow. I am tired, and in a certain amount of normal pain. I truly look forward to bedtime tonight.

April 3, 2010

It is Saturday. When I do my laundry on a Friday, it doesn't seem like it should be Saturday. But, it is, and I have done my Saturday things. My hair is cut and styled, and I have been to Smiths and picked up my presciption, and some groceries, and things to put in an Easter Basket for Gregory for tomorrow.

I made my self do my exercises, and I hurt worse afterward. But, I guess that is the price to pay.

The sun is shining, and the air is cool. I watche the children and parents race through the area this morning, and pick up the colorful Easter eggs. Children are so cute about it. I even noticed the eggs before the kids got to them. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling that this place notices children.

I keep thinking of putting my shoes back on, and going to Block Buster to look for a movie. There is absolutely nothing on T.V. tonight. But, I can just watch anything for an hour, and go to bed early, and read to my heart's content. Set my alarm for 6 A.M., and hope my hair doesn't get too messed up overnight. Yet it always does.

I am looking forward to book club Monday, not looking terribly forward to physical therapy before hand though. Hopefully, I will feel better after therapy than I am fearing. And that is what pain relievers are for, to relieve pain.

I keep feeling like there is something I could or should be doing that is productive today, but, nothing is hitting me . I guess I'll just do whatever hits me as the day goes along. Sometimes that is adequate.

April 2, 3010

It's almost the end of the day, and I'm just getting here. But, I only disappoint myself with self-imposed dead-lines. Why do I continue to do that?

I slept in a little later than usual this morning, but it was all good. I accomplished the goals I had set for myself, and even did my exercises . I am always proud of myself when I do the exercises. Mainly, because I hate them Hate them! But, like all good things, I still believe that these exercises will in the end, reward me.

If the therapy and the exercises are doing me good, then I deem it very slow. However, in all truth, I am feeling less intense pain all the time. At least I think I am. Maybe, I'm just getting more used to the pain, and working through it, so, I don't feel the suffering as deeply. I have to keep telling myself that I am improving, because, the alternative is too painful to deal with.

My Gregory, how I love him!!! We baked and decorated Easter cookies today, and he could hardly wait. He has his own unique pattern for going through this process, and is so fun to be with. The cookies themselves are a far cry from artistic, or beautiful, but they are shared time between my darling grandson and me. Daddy never gets involved, and that is fine with me. This is Gregory and grandma time, and it is special to me. We made the hand print again, a favorite cookie shape for both of us. I dropped one perfect hand print on the floor, as I was taking it off the cookie sheet. So, we giggled , and made another one. Making the cookies, and decorating them, is an adventure for the two of us, but, after awhile, he gets tired of the whole process, and is through. I do the clean-up, and today, it seemed harder than usual. Maybe because the kitchen sink was under repair, and not a fun experience.

I charged my camera battery this morning, and did indeed take pictures of Gregory, and the messy cookie situation. I should do that every time we make anything fun together. I am missing opportunites I should be capturing on film.

I have made a detemination. After I get my hair cut tomorrow, I will go shopping , and gather things to make an Easter basket for my grandson. I think the little guy deserves Cadbury eggs, I kind of think I might deserve them too. It's a thought.

I am happy that Julie and I are sharing part of our Easter together. I really enjoy our Sunday breakfast and lunches. I may use the rest Sunday to scrap book, or write in Gregory's journal, or just lay on the massager and read. Monday begins another semi-busy week. Physical therapy now takes up time and effort I never gave out before. Adjustments.

I will send off my e-mail letter to Candie in the morning, before my hair cut. Joy!!!! I get my hair cut tomorrow. That always makes me feel pretty, for at least a little while. With my luck, it will be raining/snowing/ windy as I walk out of Greg's shop tomorrow. But, at least my hair will be shorter. That is a reward.

Maintain positive attitude Diane. Maintain, maintain, maintain. Some moments are easier than others. And thank you my darling grandson for adding the warmth of your love to my day.

April 1, 2010

This was a good day. Not an exclamation point day, but good. It might have been a wonderful day, if I didn't hurt too much to enjoy everything around me.

First of all, I got up early, before the alarm went off. My left arm ached too badly to let me go back to sleep. So, I realized that things would not get better, until I started moving, and getting things done. So, I began my day, measuring out what I could do in what length of time, and structuring my morning to follow it's pattern.

My check book is balanced, my money is in the bank, thus, I could safely mail all my bills. It felt good to watch them go down the mail shute.

As I drove to Charm's I noticed how beautiful all the trees looked with while snow all over them. They looked lacy, and almost like they had been layered in white icing. Below the snow I could see dark green of pines, and realized the joy in really seeing it.

I really enjoyed being out to Charm's with five other Red Hat friends, all of us at tables, scrapbooking , and making cards, and sharing our lives. What wonderful friends, and what a happy experience to be included in these good times. There were even moments when I forgot the pain I was in. There are so many rewards for being with friends.

I went to the extra effort on the way home, to stop at a grocery store and buy cookie mix and frosting, because, may precious grandson and I are going to bake and frost, and decorate Easte cookies tomorrow. I suspect we will also make a Gregory handprint tomorrow. I will do my laundry around the cookie experience, and enjoy my little guy as long as I choose. I even intend to take pictures at appropriate moments . I must charge the camera battery in the morning.

Perhaps it was a determined attitude today, or perhaps I can give credit to blue skies and sunshine, but today, my spark for life is almost back to normal. Sure my leg hurts, but I am more than the pain, I am a person who loves to be with, and interact with people, thus , today was a really good day.

Next week will be freer, and perhaps I will slowly but surely get back to straightening and cleaning my apartment. It does need it, and possibly this is one reason I am giving in to feelings of depression, and lack of interest in life. It doesn't have to be done in one day. I can do a little bit at a time, and feel accomplishment, and move on to new ideas, and more positive attitudes, and make more plans to go more, do more, exercise more, expand more. I don't want to stop existing because of pain, and I know too, that if I do the exercises faithfully, and sincerely have faith in getting better, it will happen. Perhaps too, I am only limited by my ability to try, and accomplish more, and work around the pain. I refuse to let my back and leg pain be the center of my life! Attitude has such a great bearing on how I experience my life and how I choose to live it. And if I need to deliver more pep talks to myself, then I will focus on more pep talks to myself. This is easy to express right now, maybe, because I took half a pain pill about half an hour ago, and the pain is less intense. And since it is, I should be using the experience to accomplish something I want to do. Even something small. Even a little movement is better than no movement at all. I have to be my own best cheer leader. I may never live long enough to over-come all the "dumb-down" things I precieved from James, but I can back up and try to re-precieve them with a better attitude from this point on. HURRAY FOR DIANE!!!!!