June 30, 2010

I don't know why I can't turn my mind off. It is not that I am wanting to do things, I am totally relaxed, and at peace with the world as a whole. But as I lay in bed, reading this book, I am so enthralled by it.

"Coming Up For Air" is a little different than anything I have read for quite awhile. The subject matter in this book is not really new, or unique. Perhaps it is the way this woman presents it that makes me feel so good. And it presents the age old question---Why am I here, and what is my purpose? As I read it I am remembering " Gift From the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindburg. The author in this book has removed herself to a remote beach front home somewhere along the gulf, and is searching for answers the these questions in her own fashion. She has given herself a month to stay at this nice resort home, and figure out what she wants out of life in the next ten, twenty, thirty, or forty years from now. It is a spiritual journey, but not to the point of total isolation, or anything really fanatical.

I love the way she has written the book, the way she uses words to express herself and her thoughts so clearly, and definitely, and clearly. I find myself saying "yes, yes, yes" as I identify with the ideas and feelings she is expressing so beautifully. I find this book very uplifting, and so full of word imagery, and wonderfully expressed feelings. I want to go back and re-read " The Purpose Driven Life" or "Vein of Gold " by Julia Cameron, or anything by Wayne Dyer, or Og Mandino or "It's Not About Me" by Max Ludlow.

Does everyone search for these things during their lives, or am I just obessed by the idea because I sometimes feel like an orphan that has no real home base? I keep telling myself that as long I as I am trying to better my life in certain ways, searching for the inspiration and methods for finding the answers is a healthy thing to do. I find it difficult to accept that this is the best my life can be, or that I have nothing to work towards, and that who I am is the best me I can be. I have an inner need to find a compass and to be able to follow it. I would like to think that when I leave this world I have done at least one thing that has made the world for someone , a better place to be. It can't be done by trying to follow paths that others has already created. I can't follow anyone else's map, or guideline. Why is this such a struggle?

And why do I never have enough real, sincere, deep faith to trust that God is watching over me, and presenting my life to me as he saw it for me, long before I reached the earth and my present existence? Am I expecting too much of myself, or not enough? Why can't I quiet my mind long enough to hear the answers?

Reading

I've been laying in bed reading for the past hour and a half, and although this book is not one I would have chosen by my own will, I am liking it, and enjoying the way the author writes, and feeling inspired by what it is saying.

I am the kind of person who is addicted to reading. I cannot sit anywhere, at any time, without something to read, even if I am not particularly interested in the subject matter. Something inside me says that I must read.

There are certain authors I always enjoy reading, and certain genre of reading material I get engrossed into. I usually like psychological mysteries, but they must have characters I can relate to and root for, or dislike intensely. I like the character Alex Cross. He is a good detective, plus he loves his family intensely.

I like the characters and adventures of The Elm Creek Quilters . I loved the characters and story line in Kate Jacobs' knitting books. I like the relationships in the books by Debbie Macomber. I used to love the books by Danielle Steele, but they have all become so predictable. Once in awhile I really enjoy historical fiction, because I do love history.

I knew a man once who read a lot. He asked me if I liked anthologies. I don't even know what an anthology is. Maybe it is worth searching out. I feel very often that my likes and dislikes in books is much too narrow. I would love the challenge of reading more of the classics. That is one good reason I enjoy our book club so much. Someone, every now and then presents us with a classic.

I loved the Jan Karron books about Father Tim, and all the characters unassociated with him and the community.

The last book that I really loved intensely was " The Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society". I also really enjoyed "The Help".

One of my greatest hopes and prayers is that I will not lose my eye sight, or ability to read before I die. I am so afraid my life would feel very hollow without my opportunity to read. It is my joy.

June 27, 2010

I DID IT!!!! I got a picture in my profile. And it is one of the newest, and cutes pictures of my darling grandson, Gregory.

I spent some quality time with him today. We watched a DVD on survival, and he told me all about it as it went along. He makes it so much better than just the video, because of his voice infections, and facial experessions, and the way he tells what he knows. What a sweetheart.

I'm just a few pages from finishing a good book. So this this short. But I am thrilled that Gregory's picture in on my page.

HOORAY!!!!

June 20, 2010

It's been almost a month since I have been here. That's part avoidance. Some days I feel like I have nothing worth sharing with anyone, yet, I tend to have thoughts and feelings, and emotions running through my head all day long. Not all the feelings are happy, or full of joy, or even inspiration, but that doesn't mean I can't put them down, and reflect on them, and analyze my supposed "normalcy".

At night , when I am laying in bed, allowing myself to relax and as the pain pill kicks in, I am usually filled with expectations about life, and the next day, and my life as a whole. Many times I find myself getting out of bed, and making lists of things I want to do for the next day. Plans, real plans. I feel like a goal setting person with a future. Sadly, when I wake in the morning, I wonder why I ever made such plans, and as I read them, I wonder what was going through my head to set myself with so many expectations. But, when I analyze the situation, I realize that if I felt good enough to make the list of tasks and expected accomplishments there must have been a valid reason for them. Fortunately, I am flexable enough to realize when I am not emotionally, or mentally, or physically able to follow through with the lists I wrote the night before.

I sincerely loved the time I spent with Gregory a week ago last Friday night. When we are together, one-on-one like that, it is as if our separation never existed. We share certain feelings when we are together that immediately re-bond us. I feel his love like a familair , comfortable blanket that wraps me in total security.

I have started a new afghan for him for Christmas. I know he doesn't need one. But it something that I can do for him that is personal, and gives him the loving touch from Grandma, that no one else can do.

I am loving the experience of making my own birthday, and greeting cards. I keep coming up with ideas for different ways to make them, and make them individual. It's a little creative experince.

Now I am getting very sleepy. Time to give up. But, I will be back. I promise myself.