Back again

I have been gone so long, it was almost difficult to actually get in here. But, I am feeling good about being back to my blog spot.

I have been so preoccupied by my daily life, and scheduling of pain pills, and times that I can lay down on my vibrating mat, that I do not get to this spot to actually put down anything. I'm even having a hard time finding anything I really enjoy reading. Very unusual for me. But at the moment I am back in Neiderbopp and loving the feeling I a get as I read about love and joy.

I'm almost through Christmas shopping, and that feels very wonderful. Especially, because my Christmas budget is about exhausted. For the next few days I will be focusing all my attention on our Red Hat Cookie exchange, and getting ready for that.

I'm probably just going to ramble for awhile. I can't get to sleep, but I would like to, while the pain pills are still effective, but they also make me feel more alive and happy than I have felt for a long time. I'm still trying to decide how much I want to do in the line of baking , for Christmas this year. I usually try to over-do it, and then resent it. Maybe I will just go with carmel corn and assume all will be happy enough.

I am still very happy spending time with Gregory every week-day afternoon. He really does put joy in my heart. He is so much fun to be with, and to love so freely. Today he read to me from one of his new books, and I am so impressed that my little grandson can read. He is so good at doing his school work, and loves to show me things he has in his back pack every day.

Thankfully, the purple shawl I ordered for the gift exchange came today, and it is now wrapped and ready to go to the party, as well as the little individual boxed gifts for each Red Hat sister who attends on Saturday.

My bedroon is a mess with Christmas stuff, as yet unfinished, or partly finished, and Gregory's afghan is not finished yet. But, I am sure I will make it by Christmas. I do believe that Sunday and Monday I will put up my tree, and decorate my apartment in preparation for Christmas. Then, I will try to do a little Christmas reflecting every evening there-after as I look at the lighted tree and perhaps listen to Christmas music for a few minutes. Christmas comes too quickly after Thanksgiving for me to do much reflecting. Yet, I have the same amount of time to enjoy it as anyone else. My mind tends to stress instead of enjoy the time.

This is also the time of year I rethink my priorities, and set new goals for a brand new year. I am getting so close to 70 years old. It is hard to comprehend. But it is a fact.

Just thoughts

I'm going to use this space today just as I would if I were writing in a journal. Opening notebook, putting pen to paper. I am taking my chances, because I know at least two people read this, and I am not looking for sympathy, or criticism , or advise. I am simply putting my thoughts in a place where I can look at them, analyze them, think about them, and pull myself out of my dismal outlook on life today.

Yesterday seemed like a day of torture, and unhappiness, and sense of loss. Until my grandson entered into my world. What a joy that child is to me. I spent most of my day flat on my back, on the vibrator/massage pad. I did most of my exercies, I took my regular pills and pain pills. And I spent 90% of my day feeling sorry for myself. Even talking to Karen for awhile on the phone didn't really help me. Somehow, her situation mirrored mine so closely, that I actually felt justified in my misery.

But, Gregory poured sunshine into my heart and soul within minutes!!!! I was standing at the bottom of the steps to the school, watching for him to come through the doorway with the throng of other little people, and as soon as we saw each other, he smiled, and my heart opened up to receive him fully. Very deep in my being I wanted to just grab him, hold him very tightly, and envelope him in all the love I felt for this little being, who is part of me. When we were crossing the street to my car he held my hand for a few seconds, and I embraced the deep connection between us. As we got into the car, secured seat belts, and started the car, I began rolling up the windows to allow the cool of the air conditioner to do it's thing. I rolled up the window next to Gregory last, and once it was rolled up, I heard it going down again. I gave him my "mean grandma" scolding, and he giggled in delight and rolled it back up again. Moments later he rolled it down again, and I again gave him my false displeasure voice. Again he giggled. I told him how much I loved his laugh. Which I really do. In the few blocks to his home, he told me about a car wash that washes a car so it stays clean, and explained that it is the wax job that does it. He wanted to show me the car wash immediately, but, I knew that he couldn't really give me directions so I talked him out of that. Right this minute, I wish I had just taken that time to advdnture with him. When we pulled in his driveway at home, we noticed the trash cans on the street, so as soon as he got out of the car, he said " I'm going to get the cans off the street. I get money to do it." So I opened the garage door as we went to retrieve them, and as I expected, his Dad's car was in it's place. Gregory rolled the big trash can into it's place, and went to get the second one still on the street. As I opened the kitchen door his dad appreared from the upstairs, and came out to the garage. When Gregory saw him, he looked at him in shock, and said "What the.....?" Once in the house, Gregory went to change into comfies and as he was busy I was asking Jer how he was, and if he wanted me to stay. He told me I could go, that if he needed something he would call his mother. So, I began picking up my things to return to my car, and Gregory was back down in the kitchen and said, " Grandma, can't you stay with me for awhile. I would like you to." I almost teared up on the spot. I told him that was the sweetest thing he could have said, then I considered the fact that Jeremy was in the house, and I could go home and lay on my pad again, and as nicely as I could told Gregory I would go home, but that I would see him tomorrow as I pick him up from school. I kissed him, and left. I was a little difficult to get to the car without wishing I could change my mind and go back for an hour to spent the loving time with Gregory.

Yesterday, and again this morning, I felt so unhappy when I got out of bed, and realized, as usual, that the pain from previous days was still what I was conscious of as I got out of bed. Just one morning I would like to get out of bed thrilled that I am here, and have a purpose, and a new day to enjoy and experience. Where did that enthusiasm go? I used to feel that way most of the time. But yesterday seemed to drag me down so much during the day, that until I picked up Gregory, and was with him for that short time, I saw no real purpose for being up, dressed, or even getting out of the house

I'm not sure these exercises are working, and I resent working this hard, and pushing myself the such pain level for such a small amount of relief for such a short time. I am trying to measure the over-all good these therapy exercises are doing, and it is getting harder to find the benefits at all. Okay, it's only been a week, and as with yesterday, I only did them half-heartedly, but I am so impatient, and am so tired of the constant pain. I don't want to face the ordeal of going back to the Dr. and finding out that there is no possiblity for back surgery for me, or be shown the negative possible results of surgery on my back. I want to back time up to where I was three years ago, and not allow myself to fall and break my arm to begin with. Constant pain is so hard to live through and with on a daily basis. Am I strong enough to surround myself with the proper spirit and positive affirmations and attitudes to maintain a good life? I would like to think I am, but perhaps I am weaker than I think I am. I am not good at just enduring to the end. But, at this point, I have no choice but to look at each situation in my life in the brightest light I possibily can. That seems to be my only defence. I must keep in mind that I am stronger than the challenge of the daily pain. It is the only way I can make my life happier.

So, for the next few hours I will not think about the pain of the exercises which must be done to try to improve my muscle tone and possibly remove just some of the pain of moving. I will focus on the positives of what I going on around me. In another hour or so, I will be leaving to go have lunch with my Red Hat friends. While in that location, I want to keep in mind that I am there to enjoy their company and being with them, and good food, and a different experience than yesterday. I will focus on "one day at a time", and perhaps even one minute or hour at a time. Only I can improve my attitude, and I must do it for my self preservation. Life is too short to waste in self-pity. Maintain positive attitude!!!!

August 29, 2010 Thoughts

My originial purpose for my blog spot was just to put down some of my thoughts. I seldom do that. I usually feel like they need to be fit for publication. Nonsense! These are my personal thoughts, and if they seem silly or unimportant to the outside world, so be it.

I am writing this under the influence of my nightly pain pill. I took it a little over an hour ago, and I am indeed feeling much less pain. What I am feeling is ambitious, and worthwhile, and able, and although a little sleepy, at least fully alive. I usually at this time want to make a list of things I want to do tomorrow, because I am full of ambition and a sense of happiness and usefulness that I only feel in this state. So, if I am slightly high on pain pills, so be it. I feel good right now about who I am, and what I am feeling, and secure, and totally functional. I am quite sure that at some time in my younger years I felt this way much more often than I do now.

I do remember times in my life, during my more productive and ambitious times that I felt I could take on many new projects and new challenges in life, although at that time, I was too insecure about my person ablilities to give them a try. Now that I am old enough to know that "nothing ventured, is nothing gained" my physical abilitiy to actually do them is not within my realm. Physically, at this point in time, I cannot walk for even a reasonable length of time due to my back problems. My stamina is also gone.

But, during these times of high wishful thinking, I am thinking I would like to drag out the sewing machine tomorrow and sew up at least one quilt block, or trim off the ones that I cut out wrong. I would like to finish the two letters I still want to write. I want to pull out the vacuum and at least cover the living room floor, and perhaps dust the area involved. But, I know that I will do the things that have priority on my mind. Start the pork in the crock pot, calculate what is in my checking account, and make changes to the banking situation if need be. I would like to also go to TOSH and get in a little maintenance time, buy cigatettes and hamburger buns, and get all things to Marilyn's house by 2:30. Then I will probably focus on reading as much as I can while I am there, and water the tomato plant, and feed it.

I like my new neighbor, Tina. I wasn't sure I would to begin with. She seemed a little weird to me when I first met her, but the more I talk to her, the more I like her, and appreciate her. I gave me a beautiful plant today, and she has been working on my landscaping for the past week, and she is so good for my sense of self.

I am happy that I helped Julie out today. It made me feel really good about who I am. And I am happy that she suggested the things to help my constipation problem. I went right out and bought grapes, and raisins, and prunes. And I think I am feeling better. At least emotionally.

It sounded good to hear from my beautiful daughter this evening. She is so special to me.

I'm not enjoying the crocheting as much as I want to. But, I will plug along. Perhaps I will finish all the black squares first, so that I can get them out of my way.

I wonder if I can change my hair appointment to a different time. It can't hurt to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I want to mark all my September events on my September page of the calendar tomorrow. Maybe I will feel more like I DO have a real life.

I should be going to sleep soon. Heaven fobid I mess up my sleep schedule.

Aug. 20, 2010

I've been back from my vacation for a week. In some ways it feels like I just returned to town. I loved my time in Idaho. I did many things, all of which I fully enjoyed.

The class reunion was nice. It was great to see so many people I had not seen for many , many years. But in so many ways, it felt just like being at the last one, five years ago. Seeing old friends and childhood friends seemed so empty in ways. We used to know each other so well, had so many things in common. Now, we just seemed like senion citizen strangers who used to relate on many levels, but could not fully experince each others lives anymore. So many values have changed and life's experiences have left all of us with different feelings about our own lives. All of our lives are now filled with our own families, and feelings of inner security, or deep sorrow that we cannot seem to share with these people who are now strangers to us. Three hours spent in a room, over food and songs, and funny stories of old times, cannot rekindle those feelings we shared when our lives were based on such different goals and values. Yet, we are all the same. But the unity was lacking.

I more fully enjoyed the time after the reunion, with Deanna. She and I are more honest with each other, because we know each other, and share family blood and ties. We understand the value of honesty. I don't believe there is anything in the world that can connect people like being real and honest with each other. We all share the same needs and desires and hopes from life.

As usual, I loved my time with Jerrie, and being in her space. I had time there to love nature, and friends, and talk, and feelings, and the opportunity to meet new friends, and share times and happy laughter, food, and fun with them as well. I did try to just relax and take a minute at a time while I was there, and for moments of each day, I felt very relaxed and loved and appreciated.

I took pictures of the cabin, inside and out, and I will make a scrap book section to reflect the feelings I have about that time and space.

I am extremely happy that my colonoscopy is over. I really hate that procedure!

I loved my time with Red Hatters today, and am excited about our newly forming book club.

I have fully enjoyed my time with Gregory for the past week. We are fully back together. He is my joy!!!!

Now I need to get my life back into exercise routines, and regain some of my strengh and agility, and maybe, negate some of my back pain issues. I have to maintain positivity.

Grandma Di is back!

Gregory and I are now aware that Grandma Di is back. We are back. Our mutual comfort is back. And I am so happy about that.

When I think how nervous and worried I was last week at this time, it seems so silly now. But at that time the uncertainty was there in heavy doses. All it took was two days to renew the old feelings of comfort that only come with being alone with my only grandson.

But this time, I cannot hug him to my satisfaction, or cover his cute little face with kisses every few minutes. He has grown beyond that, and this is a little painful for me. Because if I did what I really want to do, I would be hugging and kissing him all day long. But I know that he loves me more for not attempting to do it. This child is growing so quickly, and maturing faster than my emotions can deal with. But being a wise old woman, I know the passion I feel for him must remain subdued. Our closeness yet remains very much in tact. How blessed I am. I know too that his mother is happy that I am back in this position. And I am thankful for having a little more time with her than I have had for quite awhile.

I am still trying to balance the rest of my life with my "grandma tending " responsibilities. I am more of a complete person when I do more that try to be the center of my little grandson's life. I am becoming more "me" and that makes me happier, and more interesting, and more able to love and be loved. My only wish is that I was at least ten years younger, and my physical body had many more abilities than it is feeling now. I still feel that life has so much to offer me, and that I am not taking advantage of all opportunities, and not reaching out far enough. Maybe too, I am now allowing myself to feel deeply either.

Why do I always feel this much better in the night time, two to three hours after I have taken my pain pill, and am relaxed in bed? I have felt pain through my body all day long, and just was waiting for evening to come so that I could feel this relaxed, and this good. Why can't I rationally allow myself to feel this free and good during the day? I do believe that the answer is in the fact that during the day I allow myself to worry about what may happen, what could happen, what I fear will happen, and do not realize how to just relax and flow. I have used my whole lifetime thinking about the next hour, day, week, month, and never allow myself to just "feel the moment". I wonder if I could better my life by consciously thinking about the good in every moment during each day. And will I remember this conscious moment tomorrow when even the slightest thing begins to worry me?

Status Changes and Anxiety

Once a pattern for life is set in my mind and heart, it is so hard to change it. Change of almost any kind, brings on undo amounts of anxiety.

I'm quite sure my status is changing , soon, very soon, and my mind it not ready for the change. It is not a bad change. In fact it is and should be a very happy change. But , still the anxiety exists. It disturbed my sleep last night, and as a result has caused me physical pain, and upset stomach all day long.

I should be thrilled to death, and in a way, I am. I will soon be back into Gregory's everyday life, and we can again regain our closeness, and mutual bonding. He is such a joy to me. But, at the same time, my daily life will change, and not terribly comfortably.

Son-in-law appears to have a job, a good job, a promising job, and a profitable job. For them, it is an answer to prayer. They have been hanging on finacially to a thread for many months, and it in turn has upset me to see the pain and anxiety my beautiful daughter has been going through. Now things will turn around, and their world will eventually have some stability, and security, which has been seriously needed for many, many months.

For me, with my severe back pain, it will mean more, and prolonged daily back pain, and tiredness. It will mean that the things I normally do for myself, on a daily basis, will not always be available to be. Can I adjust to not getting to my TOSH pool exercises? Can I adapt to not being able to rest when the need arises? What about other activities I have picked up in the last year? Can my schedule work around his so that I can do the other things I love? Will I have help and cooperation from the other grandparents?

It will be easier once school starts again. And after that time, I will be freer to use my days as I choose. It's only for the first month that I worry about the sudden changes in my lifestyle.

I love him so much and have missed our time together. I am so happy that this change should eradicate much of Marilyn's anxiety. I will really love being part of his life again.

But change is difficult. Even positive change. Am I really able to do this , and do it as well as I would like to for their sake? Will I disappoint them, and myself? Will my body endure this?

So many questions and fears. My head aches. My body aches, and my stomach is feeling nauseous. Questions and fears keep running through my head.

I love him so much. And I have longed for this time for over a year. So why now am I such a train wreak?

Invictus

I watched a movie last week, via Block Buster, and it starred Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandella. I enjoyed the movie very much. But I didn't understand the title of the movie. What was Invictus? What did it mean?

I was aware of the history of Nelson Mandella. I knew what a courageous man he is. But, until the end of of movie, until he quoted some lines of poetry, I was lost in the deepness of the theme of this movie. Then I heard somewhere recently, the same lines he quoted in poetry from the movie. Aha, it's a poem. So, I pulled out my book of poetry from the book shelf, and looked up the poem Invictus. It is a poem written by William Ernest Henley. I read the poem. The last two lines in this poem were the lines quoted in the movie. Plus, they fully made it clear to me, why those lines were important to the movie, and also personally important to Mandella. He spent many years in prison for living according to his beliefs. It was a terrible and inhumane place for anyone to have to survive for that many years. Yet , he survived, and triumphed, and held to his ideals leading the people of South Africa to the freedom they longed for for so many years. The movie then took on more clarity, and depth than when I first watched it. What a story of bravery and conviction.

" I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul"

BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!

June 30, 2010

I don't know why I can't turn my mind off. It is not that I am wanting to do things, I am totally relaxed, and at peace with the world as a whole. But as I lay in bed, reading this book, I am so enthralled by it.

"Coming Up For Air" is a little different than anything I have read for quite awhile. The subject matter in this book is not really new, or unique. Perhaps it is the way this woman presents it that makes me feel so good. And it presents the age old question---Why am I here, and what is my purpose? As I read it I am remembering " Gift From the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindburg. The author in this book has removed herself to a remote beach front home somewhere along the gulf, and is searching for answers the these questions in her own fashion. She has given herself a month to stay at this nice resort home, and figure out what she wants out of life in the next ten, twenty, thirty, or forty years from now. It is a spiritual journey, but not to the point of total isolation, or anything really fanatical.

I love the way she has written the book, the way she uses words to express herself and her thoughts so clearly, and definitely, and clearly. I find myself saying "yes, yes, yes" as I identify with the ideas and feelings she is expressing so beautifully. I find this book very uplifting, and so full of word imagery, and wonderfully expressed feelings. I want to go back and re-read " The Purpose Driven Life" or "Vein of Gold " by Julia Cameron, or anything by Wayne Dyer, or Og Mandino or "It's Not About Me" by Max Ludlow.

Does everyone search for these things during their lives, or am I just obessed by the idea because I sometimes feel like an orphan that has no real home base? I keep telling myself that as long I as I am trying to better my life in certain ways, searching for the inspiration and methods for finding the answers is a healthy thing to do. I find it difficult to accept that this is the best my life can be, or that I have nothing to work towards, and that who I am is the best me I can be. I have an inner need to find a compass and to be able to follow it. I would like to think that when I leave this world I have done at least one thing that has made the world for someone , a better place to be. It can't be done by trying to follow paths that others has already created. I can't follow anyone else's map, or guideline. Why is this such a struggle?

And why do I never have enough real, sincere, deep faith to trust that God is watching over me, and presenting my life to me as he saw it for me, long before I reached the earth and my present existence? Am I expecting too much of myself, or not enough? Why can't I quiet my mind long enough to hear the answers?

Reading

I've been laying in bed reading for the past hour and a half, and although this book is not one I would have chosen by my own will, I am liking it, and enjoying the way the author writes, and feeling inspired by what it is saying.

I am the kind of person who is addicted to reading. I cannot sit anywhere, at any time, without something to read, even if I am not particularly interested in the subject matter. Something inside me says that I must read.

There are certain authors I always enjoy reading, and certain genre of reading material I get engrossed into. I usually like psychological mysteries, but they must have characters I can relate to and root for, or dislike intensely. I like the character Alex Cross. He is a good detective, plus he loves his family intensely.

I like the characters and adventures of The Elm Creek Quilters . I loved the characters and story line in Kate Jacobs' knitting books. I like the relationships in the books by Debbie Macomber. I used to love the books by Danielle Steele, but they have all become so predictable. Once in awhile I really enjoy historical fiction, because I do love history.

I knew a man once who read a lot. He asked me if I liked anthologies. I don't even know what an anthology is. Maybe it is worth searching out. I feel very often that my likes and dislikes in books is much too narrow. I would love the challenge of reading more of the classics. That is one good reason I enjoy our book club so much. Someone, every now and then presents us with a classic.

I loved the Jan Karron books about Father Tim, and all the characters unassociated with him and the community.

The last book that I really loved intensely was " The Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society". I also really enjoyed "The Help".

One of my greatest hopes and prayers is that I will not lose my eye sight, or ability to read before I die. I am so afraid my life would feel very hollow without my opportunity to read. It is my joy.

June 27, 2010

I DID IT!!!! I got a picture in my profile. And it is one of the newest, and cutes pictures of my darling grandson, Gregory.

I spent some quality time with him today. We watched a DVD on survival, and he told me all about it as it went along. He makes it so much better than just the video, because of his voice infections, and facial experessions, and the way he tells what he knows. What a sweetheart.

I'm just a few pages from finishing a good book. So this this short. But I am thrilled that Gregory's picture in on my page.

HOORAY!!!!

June 20, 2010

It's been almost a month since I have been here. That's part avoidance. Some days I feel like I have nothing worth sharing with anyone, yet, I tend to have thoughts and feelings, and emotions running through my head all day long. Not all the feelings are happy, or full of joy, or even inspiration, but that doesn't mean I can't put them down, and reflect on them, and analyze my supposed "normalcy".

At night , when I am laying in bed, allowing myself to relax and as the pain pill kicks in, I am usually filled with expectations about life, and the next day, and my life as a whole. Many times I find myself getting out of bed, and making lists of things I want to do for the next day. Plans, real plans. I feel like a goal setting person with a future. Sadly, when I wake in the morning, I wonder why I ever made such plans, and as I read them, I wonder what was going through my head to set myself with so many expectations. But, when I analyze the situation, I realize that if I felt good enough to make the list of tasks and expected accomplishments there must have been a valid reason for them. Fortunately, I am flexable enough to realize when I am not emotionally, or mentally, or physically able to follow through with the lists I wrote the night before.

I sincerely loved the time I spent with Gregory a week ago last Friday night. When we are together, one-on-one like that, it is as if our separation never existed. We share certain feelings when we are together that immediately re-bond us. I feel his love like a familair , comfortable blanket that wraps me in total security.

I have started a new afghan for him for Christmas. I know he doesn't need one. But it something that I can do for him that is personal, and gives him the loving touch from Grandma, that no one else can do.

I am loving the experience of making my own birthday, and greeting cards. I keep coming up with ideas for different ways to make them, and make them individual. It's a little creative experince.

Now I am getting very sleepy. Time to give up. But, I will be back. I promise myself.

May 24, 2010

I don't really know why, but a positive attitude always trumps a pity party. It's just true.

When I got out of bed this morning, I didn't feel on top of the world, but I had no definite plans set for myself for the day, so I didn't really care. I began to talk myself into just going with the blah feeling that was setting in rather quickly. Then I made myself take a shower and get dressed, although that is not what I really wanted to do. I then found myself laying on the bed, and deciding to just remain there all day if I wanted to. But I called Julie, and after the call, I began to feel better. That may also have been due to a half a pain pill and three pain relievers. Then I began moving, doing little odd jobs that had been bugging me for some time. I also took bread dough out of the freezer, and set it up to thaw out. By noon, I was in a happy mood. Well, as happy as I can be, while still limping my way around the apartment.

I was indeed shocked to see large snowflakes falling this morning at 8 A.M. They continued for about an hour. It's almost the end of May???? What is with the snow?????

The door key wouldn't come out of the lock. But after a trip to the office to report the condition, the problem was solved and under control in 15 minutes. I LOVE living here!!!!

I love fresh baked bread with honey butter. I love positive ideas running through my head . I love snow when it melts and the skies turn blue. I love getting rid of boxes, and newspapers, and re-cycleables, and I love the lid to the bin being open when I get there. I love oranges.

I wonder if Karen will make it to pool exercises tomorrow. I love possibilities.

May 18, 2010

Somewhere along the way, in the past few days, I seem to have turned a corner. Life looks better to me than it has for quite awhile. And I am enjoying it again.

It seems that for the past few months I have been letting life get me down, and keep me down. Oh, there have been bright spots along the way, and reasons to keep doing ordinary things. But, much of it seemed like "ordinary things". I have been dreading getting out of bed in the mornings, and not looking forward to the things I felt I must do. But something changed, and I don't really know what it was, but life took a little turn I had never seen before. I has become more apparent to me very recently, that if my life is going to change in any way, I am the one who has to make the change happen. So, I started looking at things a tiny bit differently, and I am seeing a new way of living my life.

My back and arm pain are still on my mind a lot, and for so long been giving me an excuse for not doing the things I really want to do. And, I have basically quit doing the exercises I hate. Then I am faced with self-disappointment, and self-disgust, simply adding to my sense of hopelessness, and self pity. Sure I am in pain, and things are more painful to do, but it makes more sense to me to do those things, and accomplish something, and increase my sense of self worth, or let myself lay on the bed each day, feeling sorry for myself. So, I started moving, and doing so in a more positive and helpful direction.

Last week I finally defrosted the freezer. That doesn't sound like much, but it made me feel good about my abilities, and I actually saw something positive in my life when I got through. In the meantime, I haven't scrap booked for months, and the bedroom is filling up with scrap booking mess. So, Sunday, and Monday, I cleaned up the scrap booking haven, and feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I signed up for arthritus exercise classes, and pool maintenance for a month, and actually went to the first exercise class today. Then I went to Ross and bought two new swim suits. Sunday, Julie gave me a vast amount of summer clothes that she has outgrown. Yesterday, and today, I threw away a lot of my old clothes, put them in garbage bags to give away, and hung up my "new clothes" , and reorganized my closet. The day just kept moving along, rain and all.

Schwans delivered my food order, UPS brought the Sizzix I ordered, I ordered Red Hat stickers on line, and kept myself busy all day. I still worked in a half hour rest on the massage pad, and read for awhile this afternoon.

So, what I have discovered is, being in pain all the time, does not mean I cannot reach some, to most of the goals I set for myself. The pain is there. The choice to move through it and do something I enjoy, or lay on the bed in pain, is my choice.

Now, I am counting on a "no rain " day on Thursday. It is time I bought and planted some flowers. I CAN do this!

May 10, 2010

There is no special reason for this blog. I just feel like it.

yesterday was Mother's Day. It was not different than any other Mother's Day has been for the past few years, just nice. Marilyn and Gregory gave me a heating pad, and some fuzzy pink and white socks, and some delicious candy, which I left in the hot car, and got damaged during my lunch time with Julie. But, after refrigerating it, it still tastes wonderful. And I was very happy to share one with Gregory as I opened my gift. I would have given him anything!!

My hair appointment is changed so that I have no conflict with the Red Hat grill-off.

I am going to meet Karen at TOSH tomorrow for arthritic pool exercises. Thus, today, I decided I had better go buy a lock for a locker. I didn't do that during my therapy routines, but it is probably a good idea. I am so sleepy.

I finished The Help last night, and began reading Family Tree. This is going to be good too. So many books to read, and so little time. I have to get Twenty Wishes out of the library by Wednesday. This has turned into a busy week. How did that happen?

My refrigerator is now happier. It is defrosted and cleaned! I'm thinking of taking a nap.

May 7, 2010

Now that I am up, showered and dressed, I really believe that today will be a great day. I was slightly skeptical when the alarm went off this morning so early.

Today, I am spending the day with friends! What better way to spend a day. Scrap booking at Charm's.

I prepared the lunch yesterday afternoon/evening, and it looks perfect to me.

I am really enjoying my book.

Funny, I kind of thought this coming week would be free, and it is beginning to fill up, at least in my head. I know that I am having lunch with Helen on Tuesday, and hopefully doing arthritic pool exercises with Karen on Tuesday and Thursday. Wednesday we Red Hatters have lunch at Goodwoods, and Friday we go to Good Things Utah. See, the week filled up.

I don't expect a lot from Mother's Day. I will spend the later portion of it alone, I know. But, I will try to use it to make myself happy. Whatever that may be.

I do need to get busy this month and do some serious house cleaning. Defrost fridg, clean kitchen, remove boxes, clear patio, plant flowers, and organize my stuff. I also really need to clear and organize my scrap booking area. I can't find anything. It's a disaster!

Hopefully, I will have the energy to do my exercises tonight. If not, I must not let the guilt get to me. Tomorrow is a whole new day.

May 5, 2010

Goodness , I enjoyed yesterday so much, that I was so tired by the end of the day, that nothing else got done. Not even exercises, and I promised myself I would do them at the end of the day. That never happens. I should know that.

I love having breakfast with Red Hatters. We always have such a great time. I love meeting new people, and always enjoy Village Inn food. I was through there at 11, so I needed to kill at least an hour and a half. Went to Target. Bought another red hat, on sale.

Book club was great. We had a really good discussion, and it was so nice. I even had time to spend some one-on-one time with Karen before the others arrived.

Then I went directly to Roberts in Brickyard Plaza. The store was a mess, and there was little there I wanted, but I got $68 worth of stuff for less than $17 . I love sales like that!!!!!

I have about decided that the reason I felt so good as I wrote my last blog was because I had taken a half a pain pill about two hours earlier, and it was making me feel so good. I haven't felt that good since. It depresses me to think that it takes half a pain pill to make me feel that good, and sure of myself. Where has my natural inner spark gone? I used to be able to find it at will. Does that mean I need to be a little drugged up to feel that wonderful? However, pain free is a happy feeling, invoking feeling of self-mastery and enthusiasm. I used to have it without them. That makes me feel bad.

May 3, 2010

Today turned into a good day. No real reason that I can put my finger on, but I just feel good about who and what I am right now. So question, why can't I feel this positive, and happy, and self-assured all the time? Is it part of my genetic make-up that causes days, and weeks, and a life-time of being unsure of myself and my abilities?

When I got out of bed this morning, I was overcome with anxiety and my thoughts wandered, and I did not feel centered or on target of any kind. But, after pool therapy, I went to Wendy's and had a salad, scanned through the book club book, then went to Smiths to pick up a prescription and a few groceries. By the time I got home I was achy and totally exhausted. Laid on the mat, and fell asleep. When I got up, I started doing things. Nothing monumental, or important, but just moving around. I am feeling better. I feel like the "me" I like best.

Perhaps it was getting the steps in writing about the pool maintainence program, and seeing that it is not cost prohibitive. I copied it off for Karen, and am ready to take it to her tomorrow. I am making plans in my head for the rest of this week, and feel good about where I am going, and how I am going to do the things in my head.

Maybe it was in part the love I felt from Marilyn's e-mail this morning, or the pool therapy itself, and the people in the pool, or completing the therapy, under instructions for the last time. I can do this! And I can continue to do this. I can increase the strength of my muscles, and begin walking again, and make myself feel good. That's pretty powerful!

I do need to break away from some of the ingrained habits I feel push me around, and prevent me from doing what I want to do. I can do my laundry on Wednesday, and free myself up for Thursday and Friday. I can go to Roberts tomorrow after I return my book to the library, and get things on a good sale. I can use some money to go to Ross on Saturday to buy me a few new pieces of clothing, perhaps maybe even another swim suit. I can ask questions, and search for answers, and research topics of interest to me. I can associate with the outside world. I can clean, and reposition, and exercise, and push myself to higher goals and ambitions. I can!

Get up earlier, try a little walk. Read the newspaper more thoroughly. Read different kinds of books. Try new hobbies. Search out volunteer sites. Find ways to meet new people. Change my opinions about old concepts. Branch out, move on. Apply for a job at McDonald's? They are hiring 700 new employees right now. Check into a part time job at the library? Research a cruise? Am I just lazy, or do I doubt my abilities too much? Try something new. LIVE!!!

April 26 , 2010

Today feels good. Don't know why, but it is feeling good.

Sunshine, blue skies, comfortable temperatures, and looking forward to things.

Pool therapy did hurt today. I ached from the nape of my neck to the tops of my feet, and everywhere in between those spots. But I persevered. Then I made up my mind not to let it interfere with the rest of my day. So, I drove to 7-11, then onward to Michaels. I took my time picking out flowers I wanted to go on my wreath, and got all but one thing on sale, and used the coupon for the other bunch of flowers, so I saved. Now I am determined to wait until tomorrow to start work on the wreath, but I really want to start on it right this minute.

I'm drinking coffee to stay awake because I am going to pick up Julie at the airport about 8:30 tonight. That's about the time I am usually getting into bed position. So, I need to just keep moving. But even now I am feeling sleepy. Some of this may be because I am sitting in front of the computer screen. It does that to me.

I love the new top I bought at WalMart the other day. This is the second day I've worn it, and I still love it dearly.

I took my contract into the office this morning, all signed and initialed. Tomorrow I will call the carpet cleaning service and set up a date.

I have eaten semi-healthy today. Strawberrie on cereal, crackers and cheese, grapes, and an English muffin with cheese. That's probably too much cheese, but I love cheese, real cheese.

I have written three monthly letters. Only 5 more to go. Tomorrow is a free day. I can make my wreath tomorrow and write many more letters. And, I must do my exercises. They are getting easier to do, and do make my back feel better. The thing is, once I lay on the bed, that is all I want to do, plus read, and maybe eat cookies. That's at least one negative. I look forward to tomorrow. I can even sleep in with no guilt.

April 20, 2010

I've wanted to write for days now, but did't feel I had anything worthwhile to write. Yet thoughts continually run through my head. A lot of things are out there which could be commented on.

I found out that my rent is going down again this year. Not a lot, but it is going down. Even five dollars a month is worth some kind of little celebration. Because I know, that soon, the rent will go up again, and then it will be a problem as to how much it goes up. So, even going down a little is worth so much to me in the long run. Thus, when they suggested at the office that I renew for 18 months instead of the 12, I could definitely see the immediate advantage. I am however, still waiting for the paper work to appear at my door. I also asked if they would give me the discount on carpet cleaning for the first week of June, and they agreed. I will be much happier when all of this is fully agreed to, and in a permanent place. I will also be happy to find something else to do, outside my apartment on the day they clean my carpets.

Keeping up a car means putting out money to insure that the car is in good to wonderful running order. Last week Julie took me to her favorite mechanic and he analyzed and did a lot of work on my car. It cost me close to $1,000 , on my charge card, but I now feel safer, and surer of my cute little car's performance. So, it was money up against a safer, surer car, and the safer, surer won out. In the long run, I feel so much better about my little "grandma car". I guess in reality, no one can actually live "debt free". Life happens, and as long as it does, debt of some kind occurs.

I really hate the fact that I am relying on pain pills again. I think I overdid it in the pool on Monday, and thus, I paid the price. I hurt so badly by the time I came home, I consumed breakfast, and took a pain pill and enjoyed the relief. This morning, I feel pain. But, I pushed myself through my exercises, and took half a pain pill, and feel less pain. However, I don't feel save to be out on the road, behind the wheel, but, I'm quite sure that in another hour or two I will be able to make the trip to Murray library, and to Smiths to do the necessary things on my list today.

Sometimes , during any given day, my mind thinks of things I can do with the day that are fun, and worthwhile, and wonderful. Yet, as with most days, I just let the feeling for adventure and fun, and good for me urges, just pass away. I used to sit in Village Inn almost every day and have coffee and read to my heart's content. Haven't done that for many years. I do think about it though from time to time. Did I burn that experiece up and don't feel it's pleasure any more? Right now, the Spring weather is perfect. Why am I not outside soaking it in, and relaxing? Maybe I am reminded of the allergies I have acquired over the years, and only sneeze and feel my nose and eyes itch when I'm outside in Spring's glory now days.

I am so happy today that Karen's plans changed for Friday, and we can go have lunch at the Rooster Waffle cafe on Friday. I love being with Karen. I can share my life, and hopes and dreams and fears with her, and I always feel safe and happy when I am with her. I do have some very wonderful friends. I am so blessed.

I am writing. This does feel good. It dosen't even need a purpose, it's freeing, and happy. Why can't I allow myself the same thing with the scrap booking? Maybe because by the time I clean up the area to scrap book in, I'm almost too tired to actually do it. Or the inspiration has faded, or my concentration level has ebbed.

I need to learn to work through the pain. I have so many areas in my life that can be attended to, and which will add to my life, and most of my time is spent on the massaging pad, with a book in my hand.

Yesterday I thought about going out to buy some new summery clothes. Specifically, new light, airy, fun shirts, and new capris, and new sandals that are easy to get on and off, and perhaps a new swim suit. I intend to continue to spend valuable time in a swimming pool working for the benefit of my back. Thus, I do need another swimming suit. This one is getting really tired. I do deserve these things, and right now, I do have a little money to invest in such things. I would like to find a couple of really cute outfits to take to Idaho to wear to my class reunion when I go up there. And actually, I'm really looking forward to this trip. I plan to spend a few days in Rexurg with Deanna, and maybe Loa, and Shirlene, and Arlene , and then go to Island Park. I'm even looking forward to at least one day at Jerrie's before she arrives back from California. Quiet, alone time. Time to do nothing but think and read, and rest, and do whatever I want to do.

Tomorrow a big sale begins again at Kohl's and I am going after my therapy session and look at blouses, and capris, and swim suits. Sandals I will look for at PayLess. I can do this, and feel good about it.

I am looking forward to the scrap book classes that Julie and I signed up for on the 1st of May. I do need to expand my ideas for scrap booking and ways to do pages. I need much more practice too, with the stencils and chalk and the over-all methods of card making.

I'll pick Twenty Wishes for my choice for book club for June. I did like that book, and there are plenty of copies of it in the library.

I feel better . I did just need to write, and it has done wonders for me. Now, as soon as I feel responsible, I will go to the library, and to Smiths.

I do need to study my religion notes. Class tonight.

April 13, 2010

The day didn't start out wonderfully, can't explain it, it was just a feeling of unease and faint unhappiness, but I continued to function and do the things I had on my mental list. And as I did things, in the cold, and rainy weather, my outlook improved. ATTITUDE!!!!!

I knew yesterday, when Arlene's letter came back, that I would hear from her personally if I didn't re-address a new envelope and get the letter back in the mail. Sure enough, she called me on my cell phone to check on me. How nice to know that someone cares that much that they are willing to put out the money for a phone call to me, just to check on my well-being.

I talked to Lorraine, went to the library and got the book club book, went to Michaels and got yarn on sale, and a few sheets of scrap book paper on sale. I put the greenery back in place, and washed the mirrors. I did my exercises, and began the book club book. I even wrote another page for my religion paper. Ideas for that paper are floating through my head and I am going to make it by the time this week-end is over.

I'm thankful today that I don't live in Rexburg's snow and cold. Arlene made it sound dreadful.

April 10, 2010

I wonder why on days that I sleep in, my inner alarm goes off at 7:23 A.M. That is normally what happens though. If it would go off a little before 7 I would be a little more content.

I wonder why , also, when I first get out of the bed in the mornings, my back and leg do not hurt, at least not very much. Does that mean that somewhere during the night, my back found it's perfect position, and moved it's way into place, and found comfort? If so, good for it!

I tried something yesterday. I decided that if the back and leg were going to hurt, I needed to work through the pain, and accomplish something. So, I began moving. I found, much to my surprise, that the more I moved, the more back and leg comfort I found. Or.... after a while, I just didn't notice the pain as much. However, at the end of the day, I hurt less than usual. And I got a few things accomplished during the day that I had been putting off for a long, long time. I cleaned little areas in my home. Not overdoing anything as I went along. Accomplishment!!!!! I don't have to clean this whole place and make it spic and span all at the same time. I can clean little areas at a time, and make myself feel better.

I am thinking of things to put in my paper on the Amish religion. I would like to tie it to family values, and compare the way the Amish bring up their children, against living in the outside world, and seeing the differences in the family structure. I went to Murray Library and picked up three books on the Amish, and as I scan thrugh them I am finding many areas to cover. I will begin writing this paper today, and add a little bit every day. By next week at this time, the goal is to have the paper ready to print out. Goal set. Now I just have to focus the attention on the areas I want to cover, and get them into Word Perfect.

I got the Cricut cartrige I ordered yesterday. I can hardly wait to set the machine to work making things. I want to make a card for Jim and Sue to enclose Gregory's picture. I also want to make a couple of birthday cards. One for Judy, and one for Velma. Maybe too, I'll make a card up for Deanna, just to show off a little.

I'm enjoying Deanna's e-mails. She has decided that this is perhaps an easy way to communicate and I have always thought that this was the purpose of e-mail. I do like great saying and cute jokes that come through e-mail, but real messages are much more important to me.

Why am I getting sleepy again? Not fair. I do have things I want to do today. Therefore, I must get up, move, and keep moving. It seems to be the best answer to living my life.

I finished my book last night, now I will read Erma. By Wednesday, I can go to the library and get Karen's book choice for club.

April 7, 2010

There are a few things I believe. These beliefs lead me to where I go in life, and the methods used to get there.

I believe that when my heart is not in it, I should not feel compelled to write in my blog spot. Thus, I haven't been here for few days. During those days, I felt a little bit depressed and sorry for myself. I may be entitled to these days, and I may use them in any way I choose. But, during those days, I will not lament my condition on my blog spot. Because , down deep inside, it is not a true reflection of who or what I am .

I believe that I need faith in myself as a person to overcome problems in my life. So, much of what is going on in my life now is a matter of attitude, and my attitude has not been where I want it to be. If my leg hurts, it hurts. If my back feels weak, it is still a fact of life. If physical therapy hurts, it will hurt. I can't overcome the problem in my back and leg, until I personally put forth the effort to build and strengthen the muscles that need to be built up and strengthened. It just looks, from this angle, like such a very long journey. I am not, normally, a person who exercises, uses my muscles, or works on bettering my physical body. But the realization is, unless I faithfully do these exercises, and continue with the physical therapy, things will not improve, and I could be in constant pain for the rest of my life. I choose to make the difference.

I believe that when it is cold and gray, and windy, and no blue sky and fluffy clouds can be seen, I am not in the best mood. Today, I could see sunshine, puffy , beautiful clouds, and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I felt life was worth living.

I believe that realizing that certain things need to be done at certain times in my life, is not synonymous with actually getting them done. Similar perhaps, but not the same. I am realizing that after I take my wonderful pain pill at night, my mind becomes ambitious to accomplish things I have let slide for a long , long time. I almost feel like getting out of bed to begin doing those wonderful things. The next morning, however, the ambition level has receded to a very small urge. The time has come to do something, no matter how tiny towards improvement, and the furthering of my happiness in my home, and beyond. With this said, I can only hope that the goals I set this evening, will again re-surface in the morning, and I will indeed do something meaningful, and worthwhile tomorrow. Each new day is the first day of the rest of my life.

April 5, 2010

Easter got by, and I didn't get here. I did mean to, but ran out of desire, and energy.

I did enjoy my day, on the most part.

I spent time in Bible study, and soaked in the feeling and meaning of the resurrection. And the meaning remained with me all day. Maybe that was why I came home, and watched a little conference. It just felt good, and right. It felt good, and familiar to sing "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" with the choir and congregation.

But most of the afternoon, I dealt with stomach issues and the pain in the leg. Couldn't focus on much of anything else. I loses so much enjoyment of life when discomfort and pain are the major focus.

I loved seeing Gregory and getting hugs and kisses from him. He looked so grown up when I saw him, it made my heart ache.

I got through physical therapy this morning, and was happy to be at book club. I really love our group. We care about each other so much and share our sadnesses and good times.

I am feeling the effects of the rain/snow. I am tired, and in a certain amount of normal pain. I truly look forward to bedtime tonight.

April 3, 2010

It is Saturday. When I do my laundry on a Friday, it doesn't seem like it should be Saturday. But, it is, and I have done my Saturday things. My hair is cut and styled, and I have been to Smiths and picked up my presciption, and some groceries, and things to put in an Easter Basket for Gregory for tomorrow.

I made my self do my exercises, and I hurt worse afterward. But, I guess that is the price to pay.

The sun is shining, and the air is cool. I watche the children and parents race through the area this morning, and pick up the colorful Easter eggs. Children are so cute about it. I even noticed the eggs before the kids got to them. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling that this place notices children.

I keep thinking of putting my shoes back on, and going to Block Buster to look for a movie. There is absolutely nothing on T.V. tonight. But, I can just watch anything for an hour, and go to bed early, and read to my heart's content. Set my alarm for 6 A.M., and hope my hair doesn't get too messed up overnight. Yet it always does.

I am looking forward to book club Monday, not looking terribly forward to physical therapy before hand though. Hopefully, I will feel better after therapy than I am fearing. And that is what pain relievers are for, to relieve pain.

I keep feeling like there is something I could or should be doing that is productive today, but, nothing is hitting me . I guess I'll just do whatever hits me as the day goes along. Sometimes that is adequate.

April 2, 3010

It's almost the end of the day, and I'm just getting here. But, I only disappoint myself with self-imposed dead-lines. Why do I continue to do that?

I slept in a little later than usual this morning, but it was all good. I accomplished the goals I had set for myself, and even did my exercises . I am always proud of myself when I do the exercises. Mainly, because I hate them Hate them! But, like all good things, I still believe that these exercises will in the end, reward me.

If the therapy and the exercises are doing me good, then I deem it very slow. However, in all truth, I am feeling less intense pain all the time. At least I think I am. Maybe, I'm just getting more used to the pain, and working through it, so, I don't feel the suffering as deeply. I have to keep telling myself that I am improving, because, the alternative is too painful to deal with.

My Gregory, how I love him!!! We baked and decorated Easter cookies today, and he could hardly wait. He has his own unique pattern for going through this process, and is so fun to be with. The cookies themselves are a far cry from artistic, or beautiful, but they are shared time between my darling grandson and me. Daddy never gets involved, and that is fine with me. This is Gregory and grandma time, and it is special to me. We made the hand print again, a favorite cookie shape for both of us. I dropped one perfect hand print on the floor, as I was taking it off the cookie sheet. So, we giggled , and made another one. Making the cookies, and decorating them, is an adventure for the two of us, but, after awhile, he gets tired of the whole process, and is through. I do the clean-up, and today, it seemed harder than usual. Maybe because the kitchen sink was under repair, and not a fun experience.

I charged my camera battery this morning, and did indeed take pictures of Gregory, and the messy cookie situation. I should do that every time we make anything fun together. I am missing opportunites I should be capturing on film.

I have made a detemination. After I get my hair cut tomorrow, I will go shopping , and gather things to make an Easter basket for my grandson. I think the little guy deserves Cadbury eggs, I kind of think I might deserve them too. It's a thought.

I am happy that Julie and I are sharing part of our Easter together. I really enjoy our Sunday breakfast and lunches. I may use the rest Sunday to scrap book, or write in Gregory's journal, or just lay on the massager and read. Monday begins another semi-busy week. Physical therapy now takes up time and effort I never gave out before. Adjustments.

I will send off my e-mail letter to Candie in the morning, before my hair cut. Joy!!!! I get my hair cut tomorrow. That always makes me feel pretty, for at least a little while. With my luck, it will be raining/snowing/ windy as I walk out of Greg's shop tomorrow. But, at least my hair will be shorter. That is a reward.

Maintain positive attitude Diane. Maintain, maintain, maintain. Some moments are easier than others. And thank you my darling grandson for adding the warmth of your love to my day.

April 1, 2010

This was a good day. Not an exclamation point day, but good. It might have been a wonderful day, if I didn't hurt too much to enjoy everything around me.

First of all, I got up early, before the alarm went off. My left arm ached too badly to let me go back to sleep. So, I realized that things would not get better, until I started moving, and getting things done. So, I began my day, measuring out what I could do in what length of time, and structuring my morning to follow it's pattern.

My check book is balanced, my money is in the bank, thus, I could safely mail all my bills. It felt good to watch them go down the mail shute.

As I drove to Charm's I noticed how beautiful all the trees looked with while snow all over them. They looked lacy, and almost like they had been layered in white icing. Below the snow I could see dark green of pines, and realized the joy in really seeing it.

I really enjoyed being out to Charm's with five other Red Hat friends, all of us at tables, scrapbooking , and making cards, and sharing our lives. What wonderful friends, and what a happy experience to be included in these good times. There were even moments when I forgot the pain I was in. There are so many rewards for being with friends.

I went to the extra effort on the way home, to stop at a grocery store and buy cookie mix and frosting, because, may precious grandson and I are going to bake and frost, and decorate Easte cookies tomorrow. I suspect we will also make a Gregory handprint tomorrow. I will do my laundry around the cookie experience, and enjoy my little guy as long as I choose. I even intend to take pictures at appropriate moments . I must charge the camera battery in the morning.

Perhaps it was a determined attitude today, or perhaps I can give credit to blue skies and sunshine, but today, my spark for life is almost back to normal. Sure my leg hurts, but I am more than the pain, I am a person who loves to be with, and interact with people, thus , today was a really good day.

Next week will be freer, and perhaps I will slowly but surely get back to straightening and cleaning my apartment. It does need it, and possibly this is one reason I am giving in to feelings of depression, and lack of interest in life. It doesn't have to be done in one day. I can do a little bit at a time, and feel accomplishment, and move on to new ideas, and more positive attitudes, and make more plans to go more, do more, exercise more, expand more. I don't want to stop existing because of pain, and I know too, that if I do the exercises faithfully, and sincerely have faith in getting better, it will happen. Perhaps too, I am only limited by my ability to try, and accomplish more, and work around the pain. I refuse to let my back and leg pain be the center of my life! Attitude has such a great bearing on how I experience my life and how I choose to live it. And if I need to deliver more pep talks to myself, then I will focus on more pep talks to myself. This is easy to express right now, maybe, because I took half a pain pill about half an hour ago, and the pain is less intense. And since it is, I should be using the experience to accomplish something I want to do. Even something small. Even a little movement is better than no movement at all. I have to be my own best cheer leader. I may never live long enough to over-come all the "dumb-down" things I precieved from James, but I can back up and try to re-precieve them with a better attitude from this point on. HURRAY FOR DIANE!!!!!

March 31, 2010

This will be short. It would go down hill if I went too far.

I'm still depressed and feeling very vulnerable. It wouldn't take much to make me cry actually. And it is snowing!!!!

Pool therapy in three hours, and I am dreading it with my whole being. I need to work myself up, feel good about the upcoming experience, and move along. I'm still too weak to get there.

I woke up this morning an hour before the alarm was set to go off. I mis-read the clock, and thought that the alarm had not got off. I'm a bundle of nerves , and I am unhappy.

I know that it is a matter of attitude, but I just can't work it up today. I need emotional therapy right now, and that just says weak to me. I am usually so much more up-beat.

March 30, 2010

Yesterday was not my best day. I really did feel sorry for myself yesterday. It didn't do any good. It just brought sympathy and encouragement from those around me. Then I just felt pathetic.

It was amazing what one and a half pain pills will do. From 3 o'clock until about 7, I felt no pain. But I did feel a little woozy. But there was about an hour in there, that I felt good about life, again. I am so very tired of this pain. What happened to to effects of cortisone? Is this the best it is going to get on cortisone?

Today it is still cloudy, and it is windy, and although I see buds on the trees, and should be enjoying Spring thoughts, I am still fighting sleepy and depressed. I took three pain relievers after I had a little breakfast, and I have done one set of execises, and looked over my monthly bill budget, and my other regular morning things. So, things are getting done, but I am not happy, or feeling great about life, or the pain in my leg. I'm getting worse about just sucking it up.

My ambition for this morning( which is going away quickly) , is to write at least two more letters, then hopefully wash my face, put on make-up, and get newpapers to the recyling bin.

I do want to spend some time studying for my quiz on Zoasterism for tonight. We are getting in Western religions as of tonight. Hopefully, names and terms will not be so hard to memorize or remember for future quizzes. I should start thinking about what I want to write my next paper on.

I need to get myself "Up" , and carry the attitude into everything I do. I'm so fighting the depression. Why am I so "down"? Is it just the pain? Or is something else bothering me? Maybe I need to be still, and listen.

March 29, 2010

I'm not sure I should even be entering thoughts in here this morning. I am not feeling my usual, bubbly self. My back, as a whole feels better, but the muscle in my right upper leg aches a lot. I'm sure I am just straining it too much in the exercises I am doing, and it isn't happy.. At any rate, I am for some reason nowdays feeling slightly unsure of myself, and a touch out of my element. Physical therapy hurts, and doing the exercises takes a certain amount of dedication and determination, and time, that I am not used to giving. I had become very accustomed to my normal, quiet, do-nothing routine. Now, I question myself at every move. At this point in time, I should be feeling empowered, and in control, and I don't. I just want to go back to bed, and snuggle into the covers, and sleep. Every action taken in any positive direction seems like a real endeavor. Self pity is so pathetic though.

I go to pool therpy this morning. And I did love the last time I was there. Now, I just don't want to do it this morning. I just don't. It's not that I have anything more interesting or exciting to do, it's just that I want to do nothing today. NOTHING!!!!!! This is beginning to sound like depression, and I am not usually a depressed person, and when I do feel depression coming on, I can usually talk myself out of it. But, I feel like I am caving in to this . I need a few positive affirmations running through my head and heart 24/7. That is so needy!

I haven't seen sunshine today. I should see sunshine. That may help. Perhaps too, just accomplishing something positive this morning before I go to the pool will help. I'm almost afraid to write to Arlene while I feel this way. I need to work on happy for awhile.

Thus, my goal for today is to work on happy , positive, up-lifting feelings to fill myself up again with the good in my life. Because, there is so much good in my life. My little family, all my wonderful friends, whom I love so much, my improved back condition, the fact that I am doing something very positive for my physical condition, many good things to look forward to in the days and weeks to come, blessings I seem to be taking for granted, and love all around me. There are things to learn, experiences to enjoy, people to add to my life, and wonderful things I have never seen or done. Just get through a day at a time, look for happiness, relish the little things, and appreciate what I have.

March 28, 2010

Sunday morning. It's cold outside. According to the forcast, it's supposed to get almost up to 60, but I can't imagine that at this point.

I must be doing something wrong with these exercises. My right leg hurts so badly this morning. I'm sure it must be something I am doing wrong, but what? I'm not trying them this morning. This afternoon, I may be braver.

Don't know where Julie and I are going fo lunch today. I'll call her right after Bible study.

I really did enjoy being at Lorraine's yesterday. We Red Hat friends chatted for a long time. I do feel sorry for Mary. It is hard enough to lose her husband without the family giving her such a hard time. End of life is never easy.

I did buy something at Lorraine's yesterday. I spent $30 on earrings for Jerrie for her birthday. I hope I don't lose these things before October.

I should not be looking at my surroundings. This area is so dusty and has so many cobwebs. It's especially bad when the sun shines on things. But, I do need the sun.

The pain in my leg is distracting me. This is not fun. But, I am working at correcting my back problem, at least I'm trying. That should count for something. Perhaps this is part of the meaning of "no pain, no gain". Well, I feel the pain.

I can't believe that next Sunday is Easter. That came much too quickly for my sensitivities. I'm just beginning to feel Spring, but not quite into remember my Easter dresses, shoes, and Spring wardrobe feel. That was so long ago. I haven't even thought "Easter dress" for many, many years.

I need to move. I'm feeling very sleepy. Get make-up and shoes on, and keep moving.

Sunday's paper has lost it's glow too. Why is that?

March 27, 2010

Where has this month gone? In fact, where has the time gone? I can't believe we are almost 4 months into this year already. Is it because I am busy and happy, or just to engrossed in my daily life rituals to notice little things? Am I taking time in my day to "smell the roses?" Some days seem so long and oppressive, and others seem much too short and seem to go unappreciated. At my age, I should be appreciating each and every day. They are limited!

The therapy exercises I do at home, on my own are accomplished because I know how important they are in the over-all picture, and though they are painful in the process, I feel and realize their potential benefits. I also realize that if I don't do them, I will not progress towards feeling better. And feeling better, much better, is my ultimate goal. I have to maintain the tenacity to accomplish these goals. It will be a real blessing in the long run. Will my body and mind eventually be at the same level? The hope includes the theory that my mind will not deteriorate at a greater rate than my body can attain more strength. So, it's kind of a two-fold process.

It's not that I intend to live forever, or even longer than is reasonable, but while I am alive, I want my body and mind to respond to the necessary requirements to keep me functional and appreciative of what I have and what I can do with life. Just existing is not my goal in life. Giving and recieving, the best I can, is the basic goal.

I want to write a few more letters today. I would also like to reward myself by just reading and relaxing. I have several hours before I need to leave here to go to Lorraine's party. I don't intend to buy any jewelry, but I owe it to myself to dress, and get out of here today, and mingle with poeple, and feel life.

After leaving Lorraine's I want to go to Wal-Mart to buy the vitamins I want and need. Then the rest of the evening is mine. Why am I looking forward to that so much. It should be the other way around. I should be happy to be getting out, mingling, and enjoying company. Why am I so reticent? Am I worried about the pain I may be feeling, or about my difficulty with mingling? Or maybe both. Live for the moment Diane, don't anticipate the unknown. There is more joy that way.

Before I sat down at the compter, I picked up my Gregory bear and squeezed his hand. Heaing my little Gregory's voice brought tears to my eyes. Goodness , I love him so!

Now, I just need to tune myself into the proper spirit, and I can write my letters. Think happy!!

March 26, 2010

I didn't get to my gratitude journal last night. I may miss it sometimes. Not that I am not grateful for some things, I'm just to tired to open this up, and do the work.

In a few minutes I am on my way to TOSH to get in the pool and do something benefial for my back. I'm a little nervous about a new experience, but after the initial opening, I'll be fine. I just don't feel that alive and alert this morning. I slept in longer than I really wanted to, and have felt edgy ever since. Why the nerves? I did my exercises twice yesterday, and was happy that I did, and felt better after I had done them. But, I guess the concept of free days being gone, is really what is upsetting me. I was in a rut, and unfortunately, I was comfortable there. This disrupts my daily nothingness, and I don't quite know how to handle it.

I really felt loved and appreciated yesterday by Gregory. He brought a friend home from school with him, but he was kind of torn about me being there as well. He chose to spend some time with me playing a board game, and it was fun, although shorter than it would have been otherwise. But, it did mean that he loves me, and wanted to give me some of his time. That is very special to me.

I began writing my monthly letters yesterday, but my heart was really not in it. I don't know what is the matter with my attitude and spirit the last couple of days. I feel insecure and lonely. That is not like me. And it puzzles me. Maybe it is just the newness of physical therapy, and new routines. But I should be more mentally adjusted than that. Maybe when I fit into the groove, things will feel normal and happy again. I am not good with change, never have been.

A few minutes ago it was snowing. But I am seeing sunshine coming in the window. I need the sunshine, and some positive feelings today. I'll begin now looking for positive things around me. I'm sure they are there, I'm just lost inside to feel and see them. Perk up Diane.

March 25, 2010

I woke up this morning at 5:30 A.M. with my left arm in severe pain. But it was too early to get up, so, by some miracle, I got back to sleep, and didn't wake up until a little after 7. Left arm still ached a little, but was better. Why does my body insist on aching somewhere so that a good night's sleep alludes me?

So, although I have been up and accomplished a few things, I still kind of feel disconnected. Is this considered mental stress or anguish?

One monthly letter has been written and printed. Painful exercies have been done, once today. I mindlessly went through e-mail and scanned through Face Book. I have consumed a small yogurt, and that is breakfast. I forced it down because I thought I would want to take pain relievers, but that doesn't seem necessary now. That's a plus.

When I got out of physical therapy yesterday, came home and took a pain pill, and rested for awhile, I felt really up, and wanted to restructure my life to the positive, right that very second. That little fire has gone out, and at this point, I am just slogging from one thing to the next. Where did that over-powering feeling of yesterday go? Must have been the effects of the pain pill. Perhaps that is why druggies love those pills. But I want to still have faith in the effects of the cortisone injection, and the exercises. I don't want to rely on the pain pills to get me through the bad times. I should be stronger than that. However, if I run out of these things, I will call Brad Davis and request more pain pills, and inquire about the arthritis pills that Karen mentioned the other day. I am not terribly Stoic.

In a couple of hours I want to be out of here and getting things done on my way to Mar and Jer's to do laundry. I want to cash those two little, tiny checks, and pick up the vitamins I need from a drug store on the way over there.

I do want to finish the Charlotte book today. It's good, but I want to be reading something that moves faster and keeps me fully engrossed. I keep getting discouraged by the Victorian ideology .However, Charlotte Bronte was an interesting person.

I am again having mixed feeling about going to physical therapy tomorrow. But, new things always unsettle me a little. I am looking forward to being in the pool, and feeling something positive happen. I may feel the need, if this lasts very long, to purchase a new swim suit. I probably need one anyway.

I am picturing Gregory's face in my mind, and am anxious to see him today. What a ray of sunshine in my life!! Love you Gregory!

March 25, 2010

I woke up this morning at 5:30 A.M. with a severe left arm in pain. But, it was only 5:30, and no reason to get up, so although I didn't think I could do it, I went back to sleep until a little after 7. However, the arm ache was much diminished. Now, although I have accomplished a few things, I still feel like I'm not quite connected. Is that mental stress and anguish?

March 24, 2010

I've been home from physical therapy for almost three hours, and finally, after a little breakfast, a pain pill, and laying on the massager pad, I am feeling better. But, again, I am happy that someone who knows what to do about my pain, knows what I am feeling , and understands what I need, is helping me. Aaron is my therapist, and he is very gentle, and helpful, and answered some of my questions to give me a better idea of what I am feeling, doing, and expecting. He sent me away with four exercises to do on my own. Next time, Friday morning, I will go directly to the pool and begin working with someone who will direct me through exercises in the pool. I am so looking forward to that!

While I was there this morning, I was talking to a woman who was just going, independently from machine to machine, and working out . I talked to her for a few minutes and found out that she is in the "maintenance" program offered by TOSH . For $150 for a 6 month period she can go to the center and use the equipment to keep herself tuned up. She has been doing it for a few years. She is 75 years old, and looks and feels great. I have to find out more about this by the time I am through with this physical therapy treatment session. It makes logical sense to maintain the tone and use of the muscles in the body for a long as possible. I deserve that.

Also, as soon as it is physically possible for me to really walk, I am going to force myself to walk at least 5 times a week, and make it a " happy habit". Having my body deteriorate , while I am still tryin to live my life , is just making me very unhappy. Why have I waited so long to try to correct my past physical needs situation. I have so much work to do, and I have put it off for so long. Wouldn't it be nice to repair some damage, and make myself feel better and better every day , so that while my mind enjoys the thought of really living life, my body can join the fun, and really, really, live and experience LIFE? I tend to give up when things get uncomfortable, or sound or feel like too much work. But , that doesn't accomplish my higher goals. Thus, I am defeating my own objectives. Life is made up of choices, and I can't let neglect of things like this keep me from reaching some loftier goals. Do I need to pep talk myself every day of my life? I guess if it helps to get me there I need self pep talks, daily affirmations, and self-congratulations when even little goals are met.

I was so proud of myself last night when I got back my quiz on Daoism, and read 100%!!!! Each test I got back last night had a higher score than the one before it. That is a real feel good pat on the back for achieving these things. Right now, I feel so powerful. I just need to maintain that feeling 24/7, and that is so difficult for me to do. There are so many moments I feel "down" and move farther in that direction.

The pain pill I took an hour ago has made me feel so much better, and more relaxed. I think I will try to accomplish something positive today. Don't know what yet, but maybe I'll define it and accomplish it,when it hits me. KEEP THINKING POSITIVE, DIANE!!!!!

March 23, 2010

I just don't know. Am I in less pain now than I was last week at this time? I suppose I am, but I still hurt. I guess cortisone doesn't take away all the pain. Acutally, I do feel better than I did last week at this time, but that doesn't discount the fact that I do still hurt, and it is still hard to walk, and move . Probably , some of this is arthritus, but, that doesn't make me too happy either. Does this simply mean that I will never be pain free? I guess only time and endurance will tell.

Okay, I watched Dancing With the Stars last night. It was good, and I can see where the interest will peak as I get more and more into it. There are some stars I really want to get recognition, and others I really don't care about. Perhaps that is the function of the program. I felt sorry for Buzz Aldrin last night. After all, the man is 80 years old. How much can an old, well-used body take?

In an hour from now I will be meeting Karen for lunch at Jason's Deli. I do look forward to this time with Karen. We can talk to each other as soul mates, and it makes me feel so good to be with her.

Health Care Bill? I don't really care one way or another. Unless it affects me or my lifestyle, I can live with it. Sure there are flaws, but we are a very large country with diversified people, how can we expect to please all the people all the time? I'm sure, over time I will feel negative results from the action, but I see nothing I personally can do about it. I do see flaws in the structure of this government, but I doubt if there are any real solutions to the problems. The thing is, we all need to give and take to make a system work, and some are more willing to give than others. It is basically human nature. You can't legislate morality, or honesty, or integrity. But, you shouldn't have to. People should be willing to share, and give and take, and keep unity of nation in mind. My over-all worry is " what is going to happen to me, when I get old, and helpless, who will lovingly take care of me."

Tonight, I deliver my Daoism paper to class, and hope I study enough to get through the quiz without much difficulty. I have basically stopped reading the text. Maybe I should at least scan the chapters as we get there. But, they are so concise, and it is basically hard to stay awake and read them.

I am a little nervous about going to physical therapy tomorrow. I hope things don't hurt to the point that I can't do something progressive for my back. Well, I'll deal with that tomorrow.

I'm almost through with "Charlotte Bronte" . Then I'll just find a paper back book I have here, and read until I get another good book from my library choices. As long as I have a book at hand, I am satisfied.

March 22, 2010

Since, for some odd reason, I have two blog spots, it dawned on me last night, that I can use the other blog spot as my gratitude journal. Thus, I began it last night. If, I can regain the habit of recording my blessings at the end of the day, then it should remain an on-going site.

But, this spot will remain the site where I just flourish space with flowing thoughts of each day.

As I lay in bed last night, in total relaxation and comfort, I ran through my mind things I wanted to do on this "free" day. Mostly it concern the cleaning up of my living environment. Now that the morning has arrived, and I am dressed, the feelings I had last night about doing some serious cleaning and organizing are not glowing as brightly. My back and arms ache this morning. However, down deep inside, I keep assuring myself, that if I move, and keep moving, I will feel better. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. After all, no one else controls my living space, and if I want it improved, and happier, I am the one designated to preform said changes. Thus, when I finish here, I will move, and clean something. I don't have to do it all in one day. It certainly took more than one day to create this situation. But there are definite areas in this apartment that are not letting me relax and enjoy my immediate surroundings. So, it must be done if I am to be happier. Because right now, I am living in a littered state of mind.

I spend a considerable amount of time this morning on the County Library site, and put holds on 4 books which have a long list of holds. But with my luck, they will all be available for pick-up the same week, then I will have to choose which ones I really want to read first. Thus goes my life.

I keep telling myself that I feel so much better since my coritsone injection, but I still feel pain. However, I am quite sure that a lot of this pain is arthritus, and has little to do with the back condition . It is also discomforting to wake up in the mornings with my left arm aching all the way to my fingers. I must sleep in a weird position, but this has been happening for the past month, and I am beginning to think that my body hates me. It probably has a right to do so, since I don't always treat it kindly. After I see a physical therapist on Wed. I will ask him about the benefits of walking, and then, I will , with mixed feelings begin to do so.

I keep going to bed each night sometime between 8:30 and 9:00 P.M. It's not that I plan to sleep at that time, I've just had all the T.V. I can stand. I seldom go to sleep before 10:30 or 11:00, and usually wake up around 6 or 6:30, so my sleep pattern is pretty regulated. There is a plus. But, bed time has become my favorite time of any day. It means I don't expect anything else of myself for that given day, and as I review the day, I usually feel satisfied with what the day has brought me, and vise versa.

I guess, later today, I will go to the bank and cash those two tiny checks that the U.S. Treasury sent me. It's hardly worth the effort, but a dollar is a dollar.

I have a new kitchen clock. It is surrounded by a silve frame, and is not what I had pictured in my mind as I went out to buy it. But, it looks more comfortable there every minute, and it runs with reliability, and it serves it's function. I had really missed a kitchen clock.

I confirmed a suspicion this morning. Water frozen in a plastic bottle , distorts the plastic bottle, and causes it to spill. I wonder how long I will remember that!

This week has days in it that I am really looking forward to with happiness. Tomorrow I am having lunch with Karen. Happy, happy, happy thought! Also on Tuesday, I will joyfully turn in my paper on Daoism. Wednesday I will face physical therapy, (maintain positive attitutude), Thursday is my laundry day, I get to see Gregory. Also during this week I will be writing my monthly letters to my friends. That means, maintain positive attitude and happy thoughts as I write.

So, at this juncture, I will prepare myself mentally to unclutter, clean, and organize at least one tiny area of my living space, and my life. Maybe, I will even reward myself by doing some scrap booking before the day is over. It's a sunny day, life is good!