Thankful!!!

My hip surgery was fantastic!!! It's been 3 1/2 weeks since surgery, and life is so much better. The pain I felt before surgery is simply a terrible memory. My recovery rate has been so , so fast, that I find it hard to believe!!! I did something today that I hope I won't regret tomorrow. I put an end to my home health care team. The thing I was worried most about since I got out of rehab, (putting on those terrible while socks) is no longer a factor to contend with, so I feel very secure about caring for myself, completely. As long as Marilyn will still do my laundry , until I figure out a way to do it, I can do most other things I need to do, with a little careful thought, and care.

Today's mail brought me a letter from Joyce!!!!!!! When I took it out of the mail box, I just looked and it and cried with joy. I've waited so long for a letter from her, and I finally got one. I'm going to write to her tomorrow, and can think of so many things to say.

I'm going to shower on my very own tomorrow. I'm going to get in my car and drive to the nearest grocery store. I also want to take the newspapers out to the recycling dumpster tomorrow. I want to go to the library on Saturday.

Am I ready to get back into life full force? I really want to go to lunch with Red Hatters on Wednesday, and go to scrap booking at Charm's on Friday. I want to read Judy's book choice in the next week and a half and go to her home for book club the next Wednesday. I want to go to dinner with Red Hatters the end of the month. All this will depend on how I feel from day to day, and whether I can make myself keep up with my physical therapy, and increase my walking stamina.

I feel so sure of myself today. I hope I can be reassured of my abilities as I go from day to day. I'm so happy I am money ahead at this point. It feels remarkable.

I want to add more to Gregory's journal every week. I miss him so much!!!

Back again

I have been gone so long, it was almost difficult to actually get in here. But, I am feeling good about being back to my blog spot.

I have been so preoccupied by my daily life, and scheduling of pain pills, and times that I can lay down on my vibrating mat, that I do not get to this spot to actually put down anything. I'm even having a hard time finding anything I really enjoy reading. Very unusual for me. But at the moment I am back in Neiderbopp and loving the feeling I a get as I read about love and joy.

I'm almost through Christmas shopping, and that feels very wonderful. Especially, because my Christmas budget is about exhausted. For the next few days I will be focusing all my attention on our Red Hat Cookie exchange, and getting ready for that.

I'm probably just going to ramble for awhile. I can't get to sleep, but I would like to, while the pain pills are still effective, but they also make me feel more alive and happy than I have felt for a long time. I'm still trying to decide how much I want to do in the line of baking , for Christmas this year. I usually try to over-do it, and then resent it. Maybe I will just go with carmel corn and assume all will be happy enough.

I am still very happy spending time with Gregory every week-day afternoon. He really does put joy in my heart. He is so much fun to be with, and to love so freely. Today he read to me from one of his new books, and I am so impressed that my little grandson can read. He is so good at doing his school work, and loves to show me things he has in his back pack every day.

Thankfully, the purple shawl I ordered for the gift exchange came today, and it is now wrapped and ready to go to the party, as well as the little individual boxed gifts for each Red Hat sister who attends on Saturday.

My bedroon is a mess with Christmas stuff, as yet unfinished, or partly finished, and Gregory's afghan is not finished yet. But, I am sure I will make it by Christmas. I do believe that Sunday and Monday I will put up my tree, and decorate my apartment in preparation for Christmas. Then, I will try to do a little Christmas reflecting every evening there-after as I look at the lighted tree and perhaps listen to Christmas music for a few minutes. Christmas comes too quickly after Thanksgiving for me to do much reflecting. Yet, I have the same amount of time to enjoy it as anyone else. My mind tends to stress instead of enjoy the time.

This is also the time of year I rethink my priorities, and set new goals for a brand new year. I am getting so close to 70 years old. It is hard to comprehend. But it is a fact.

Just thoughts

I'm going to use this space today just as I would if I were writing in a journal. Opening notebook, putting pen to paper. I am taking my chances, because I know at least two people read this, and I am not looking for sympathy, or criticism , or advise. I am simply putting my thoughts in a place where I can look at them, analyze them, think about them, and pull myself out of my dismal outlook on life today.

Yesterday seemed like a day of torture, and unhappiness, and sense of loss. Until my grandson entered into my world. What a joy that child is to me. I spent most of my day flat on my back, on the vibrator/massage pad. I did most of my exercies, I took my regular pills and pain pills. And I spent 90% of my day feeling sorry for myself. Even talking to Karen for awhile on the phone didn't really help me. Somehow, her situation mirrored mine so closely, that I actually felt justified in my misery.

But, Gregory poured sunshine into my heart and soul within minutes!!!! I was standing at the bottom of the steps to the school, watching for him to come through the doorway with the throng of other little people, and as soon as we saw each other, he smiled, and my heart opened up to receive him fully. Very deep in my being I wanted to just grab him, hold him very tightly, and envelope him in all the love I felt for this little being, who is part of me. When we were crossing the street to my car he held my hand for a few seconds, and I embraced the deep connection between us. As we got into the car, secured seat belts, and started the car, I began rolling up the windows to allow the cool of the air conditioner to do it's thing. I rolled up the window next to Gregory last, and once it was rolled up, I heard it going down again. I gave him my "mean grandma" scolding, and he giggled in delight and rolled it back up again. Moments later he rolled it down again, and I again gave him my false displeasure voice. Again he giggled. I told him how much I loved his laugh. Which I really do. In the few blocks to his home, he told me about a car wash that washes a car so it stays clean, and explained that it is the wax job that does it. He wanted to show me the car wash immediately, but, I knew that he couldn't really give me directions so I talked him out of that. Right this minute, I wish I had just taken that time to advdnture with him. When we pulled in his driveway at home, we noticed the trash cans on the street, so as soon as he got out of the car, he said " I'm going to get the cans off the street. I get money to do it." So I opened the garage door as we went to retrieve them, and as I expected, his Dad's car was in it's place. Gregory rolled the big trash can into it's place, and went to get the second one still on the street. As I opened the kitchen door his dad appreared from the upstairs, and came out to the garage. When Gregory saw him, he looked at him in shock, and said "What the.....?" Once in the house, Gregory went to change into comfies and as he was busy I was asking Jer how he was, and if he wanted me to stay. He told me I could go, that if he needed something he would call his mother. So, I began picking up my things to return to my car, and Gregory was back down in the kitchen and said, " Grandma, can't you stay with me for awhile. I would like you to." I almost teared up on the spot. I told him that was the sweetest thing he could have said, then I considered the fact that Jeremy was in the house, and I could go home and lay on my pad again, and as nicely as I could told Gregory I would go home, but that I would see him tomorrow as I pick him up from school. I kissed him, and left. I was a little difficult to get to the car without wishing I could change my mind and go back for an hour to spent the loving time with Gregory.

Yesterday, and again this morning, I felt so unhappy when I got out of bed, and realized, as usual, that the pain from previous days was still what I was conscious of as I got out of bed. Just one morning I would like to get out of bed thrilled that I am here, and have a purpose, and a new day to enjoy and experience. Where did that enthusiasm go? I used to feel that way most of the time. But yesterday seemed to drag me down so much during the day, that until I picked up Gregory, and was with him for that short time, I saw no real purpose for being up, dressed, or even getting out of the house

I'm not sure these exercises are working, and I resent working this hard, and pushing myself the such pain level for such a small amount of relief for such a short time. I am trying to measure the over-all good these therapy exercises are doing, and it is getting harder to find the benefits at all. Okay, it's only been a week, and as with yesterday, I only did them half-heartedly, but I am so impatient, and am so tired of the constant pain. I don't want to face the ordeal of going back to the Dr. and finding out that there is no possiblity for back surgery for me, or be shown the negative possible results of surgery on my back. I want to back time up to where I was three years ago, and not allow myself to fall and break my arm to begin with. Constant pain is so hard to live through and with on a daily basis. Am I strong enough to surround myself with the proper spirit and positive affirmations and attitudes to maintain a good life? I would like to think I am, but perhaps I am weaker than I think I am. I am not good at just enduring to the end. But, at this point, I have no choice but to look at each situation in my life in the brightest light I possibily can. That seems to be my only defence. I must keep in mind that I am stronger than the challenge of the daily pain. It is the only way I can make my life happier.

So, for the next few hours I will not think about the pain of the exercises which must be done to try to improve my muscle tone and possibly remove just some of the pain of moving. I will focus on the positives of what I going on around me. In another hour or so, I will be leaving to go have lunch with my Red Hat friends. While in that location, I want to keep in mind that I am there to enjoy their company and being with them, and good food, and a different experience than yesterday. I will focus on "one day at a time", and perhaps even one minute or hour at a time. Only I can improve my attitude, and I must do it for my self preservation. Life is too short to waste in self-pity. Maintain positive attitude!!!!

August 29, 2010 Thoughts

My originial purpose for my blog spot was just to put down some of my thoughts. I seldom do that. I usually feel like they need to be fit for publication. Nonsense! These are my personal thoughts, and if they seem silly or unimportant to the outside world, so be it.

I am writing this under the influence of my nightly pain pill. I took it a little over an hour ago, and I am indeed feeling much less pain. What I am feeling is ambitious, and worthwhile, and able, and although a little sleepy, at least fully alive. I usually at this time want to make a list of things I want to do tomorrow, because I am full of ambition and a sense of happiness and usefulness that I only feel in this state. So, if I am slightly high on pain pills, so be it. I feel good right now about who I am, and what I am feeling, and secure, and totally functional. I am quite sure that at some time in my younger years I felt this way much more often than I do now.

I do remember times in my life, during my more productive and ambitious times that I felt I could take on many new projects and new challenges in life, although at that time, I was too insecure about my person ablilities to give them a try. Now that I am old enough to know that "nothing ventured, is nothing gained" my physical abilitiy to actually do them is not within my realm. Physically, at this point in time, I cannot walk for even a reasonable length of time due to my back problems. My stamina is also gone.

But, during these times of high wishful thinking, I am thinking I would like to drag out the sewing machine tomorrow and sew up at least one quilt block, or trim off the ones that I cut out wrong. I would like to finish the two letters I still want to write. I want to pull out the vacuum and at least cover the living room floor, and perhaps dust the area involved. But, I know that I will do the things that have priority on my mind. Start the pork in the crock pot, calculate what is in my checking account, and make changes to the banking situation if need be. I would like to also go to TOSH and get in a little maintenance time, buy cigatettes and hamburger buns, and get all things to Marilyn's house by 2:30. Then I will probably focus on reading as much as I can while I am there, and water the tomato plant, and feed it.

I like my new neighbor, Tina. I wasn't sure I would to begin with. She seemed a little weird to me when I first met her, but the more I talk to her, the more I like her, and appreciate her. I gave me a beautiful plant today, and she has been working on my landscaping for the past week, and she is so good for my sense of self.

I am happy that I helped Julie out today. It made me feel really good about who I am. And I am happy that she suggested the things to help my constipation problem. I went right out and bought grapes, and raisins, and prunes. And I think I am feeling better. At least emotionally.

It sounded good to hear from my beautiful daughter this evening. She is so special to me.

I'm not enjoying the crocheting as much as I want to. But, I will plug along. Perhaps I will finish all the black squares first, so that I can get them out of my way.

I wonder if I can change my hair appointment to a different time. It can't hurt to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I want to mark all my September events on my September page of the calendar tomorrow. Maybe I will feel more like I DO have a real life.

I should be going to sleep soon. Heaven fobid I mess up my sleep schedule.

Aug. 20, 2010

I've been back from my vacation for a week. In some ways it feels like I just returned to town. I loved my time in Idaho. I did many things, all of which I fully enjoyed.

The class reunion was nice. It was great to see so many people I had not seen for many , many years. But in so many ways, it felt just like being at the last one, five years ago. Seeing old friends and childhood friends seemed so empty in ways. We used to know each other so well, had so many things in common. Now, we just seemed like senion citizen strangers who used to relate on many levels, but could not fully experince each others lives anymore. So many values have changed and life's experiences have left all of us with different feelings about our own lives. All of our lives are now filled with our own families, and feelings of inner security, or deep sorrow that we cannot seem to share with these people who are now strangers to us. Three hours spent in a room, over food and songs, and funny stories of old times, cannot rekindle those feelings we shared when our lives were based on such different goals and values. Yet, we are all the same. But the unity was lacking.

I more fully enjoyed the time after the reunion, with Deanna. She and I are more honest with each other, because we know each other, and share family blood and ties. We understand the value of honesty. I don't believe there is anything in the world that can connect people like being real and honest with each other. We all share the same needs and desires and hopes from life.

As usual, I loved my time with Jerrie, and being in her space. I had time there to love nature, and friends, and talk, and feelings, and the opportunity to meet new friends, and share times and happy laughter, food, and fun with them as well. I did try to just relax and take a minute at a time while I was there, and for moments of each day, I felt very relaxed and loved and appreciated.

I took pictures of the cabin, inside and out, and I will make a scrap book section to reflect the feelings I have about that time and space.

I am extremely happy that my colonoscopy is over. I really hate that procedure!

I loved my time with Red Hatters today, and am excited about our newly forming book club.

I have fully enjoyed my time with Gregory for the past week. We are fully back together. He is my joy!!!!

Now I need to get my life back into exercise routines, and regain some of my strengh and agility, and maybe, negate some of my back pain issues. I have to maintain positivity.

Grandma Di is back!

Gregory and I are now aware that Grandma Di is back. We are back. Our mutual comfort is back. And I am so happy about that.

When I think how nervous and worried I was last week at this time, it seems so silly now. But at that time the uncertainty was there in heavy doses. All it took was two days to renew the old feelings of comfort that only come with being alone with my only grandson.

But this time, I cannot hug him to my satisfaction, or cover his cute little face with kisses every few minutes. He has grown beyond that, and this is a little painful for me. Because if I did what I really want to do, I would be hugging and kissing him all day long. But I know that he loves me more for not attempting to do it. This child is growing so quickly, and maturing faster than my emotions can deal with. But being a wise old woman, I know the passion I feel for him must remain subdued. Our closeness yet remains very much in tact. How blessed I am. I know too that his mother is happy that I am back in this position. And I am thankful for having a little more time with her than I have had for quite awhile.

I am still trying to balance the rest of my life with my "grandma tending " responsibilities. I am more of a complete person when I do more that try to be the center of my little grandson's life. I am becoming more "me" and that makes me happier, and more interesting, and more able to love and be loved. My only wish is that I was at least ten years younger, and my physical body had many more abilities than it is feeling now. I still feel that life has so much to offer me, and that I am not taking advantage of all opportunities, and not reaching out far enough. Maybe too, I am now allowing myself to feel deeply either.

Why do I always feel this much better in the night time, two to three hours after I have taken my pain pill, and am relaxed in bed? I have felt pain through my body all day long, and just was waiting for evening to come so that I could feel this relaxed, and this good. Why can't I rationally allow myself to feel this free and good during the day? I do believe that the answer is in the fact that during the day I allow myself to worry about what may happen, what could happen, what I fear will happen, and do not realize how to just relax and flow. I have used my whole lifetime thinking about the next hour, day, week, month, and never allow myself to just "feel the moment". I wonder if I could better my life by consciously thinking about the good in every moment during each day. And will I remember this conscious moment tomorrow when even the slightest thing begins to worry me?

Status Changes and Anxiety

Once a pattern for life is set in my mind and heart, it is so hard to change it. Change of almost any kind, brings on undo amounts of anxiety.

I'm quite sure my status is changing , soon, very soon, and my mind it not ready for the change. It is not a bad change. In fact it is and should be a very happy change. But , still the anxiety exists. It disturbed my sleep last night, and as a result has caused me physical pain, and upset stomach all day long.

I should be thrilled to death, and in a way, I am. I will soon be back into Gregory's everyday life, and we can again regain our closeness, and mutual bonding. He is such a joy to me. But, at the same time, my daily life will change, and not terribly comfortably.

Son-in-law appears to have a job, a good job, a promising job, and a profitable job. For them, it is an answer to prayer. They have been hanging on finacially to a thread for many months, and it in turn has upset me to see the pain and anxiety my beautiful daughter has been going through. Now things will turn around, and their world will eventually have some stability, and security, which has been seriously needed for many, many months.

For me, with my severe back pain, it will mean more, and prolonged daily back pain, and tiredness. It will mean that the things I normally do for myself, on a daily basis, will not always be available to be. Can I adjust to not getting to my TOSH pool exercises? Can I adapt to not being able to rest when the need arises? What about other activities I have picked up in the last year? Can my schedule work around his so that I can do the other things I love? Will I have help and cooperation from the other grandparents?

It will be easier once school starts again. And after that time, I will be freer to use my days as I choose. It's only for the first month that I worry about the sudden changes in my lifestyle.

I love him so much and have missed our time together. I am so happy that this change should eradicate much of Marilyn's anxiety. I will really love being part of his life again.

But change is difficult. Even positive change. Am I really able to do this , and do it as well as I would like to for their sake? Will I disappoint them, and myself? Will my body endure this?

So many questions and fears. My head aches. My body aches, and my stomach is feeling nauseous. Questions and fears keep running through my head.

I love him so much. And I have longed for this time for over a year. So why now am I such a train wreak?