February 28, 2010

Okay, this is the last day of February, and it has been a reasonably good month. I've had some happy moments, and some sad ones, and I guess that is how life evens itself out. It's balance. Therefore, in the long run, the Tao is in place.

The more I read of Taoism, the less I realize that I am or probably could live that way. I am too old to program myself into simplicity. Although, I find the concept very appealing. Since I am always worrying about the outcome of each and every event in my life, wouldn't it be wonderful to just flow with the experience? Bend and sway with each new occurrence in life. Since Winnie-the-Pooh is such a great example of living The Way, I really would like to take lessons on behavior modification from him. Although, I'm quite sure I would just confuse the poor little bear. I do notice that Pooh doesn't have any gray hair, or worry wrinkle lines. Of course, I tell myself that my lines are laugh lines, but I'm not really sure.

Since I am such a worrier, and one who likes to keep things going is some sort of order, it feel so good to me to know that my bills are in the postal system moving along to their destination, and I am not in debt to life. My monthly letters, likewise, are on their way to those who recieve them every month, on schedule. The fact that the dust is getting thicker in my space is bothering me a little more each day, is not as important to me, as the things I consider bigger, or more important. Yet, I know that it wouldn't take longer than an hour or so of dedicated cleaning and polishing, to make my furnature shine and the scent of lemon permeate my living space. That would be nice. Putting a positive ascept in view does help motivate me.

My hair is colored and cut, and I only wish it looked like it did when I got out of the chair in Greg's shop yesterday. Today, I had to wet it down, beat it into submission, and at this point , I am hoping it looks good before I leave here.

I had a fun experience with my Cricut yesterday, and found out too, that the more I try to do things with it, the more I learn. I made a cute page of letters and designs for Gregory yesterday, and was thrilled to do it. The experience was a fun one.

I wish I could spend more time with Elsie. She is a fun and nice person, and is slowly coming into my life. But, I know, that as soon as she can arrange it, she wants to move to Texas to be close to her kids. I can't blame her. If my situation was the same, I might want to do the same. At this point she is so far away from her children and grandchildren, and really wants and needs them in her life.

There are a lot of things running through my mind that I would like to do today, and I can only wonder how far I will get until my body tells me, "enough". Most of all, I want to get the pictures of Gregory printed, and buy ice cream. I really also want to go to Target and look for the red hat that Lorriane had . I could put a purple tulle ribbon and bow on it, and love it. But, I wonder how many Targets I will have to hit to find that hat. Also, I would love to go to VF factory outlet, to look for a red hat, and buy a new pair of deniums.

My mind far outdoes my body's ablility to accomplish. But, one can always try.

February 27, 2010

Saturday morning, and I slept in. But lately that doesn't seem to be anything new. Unless I have something going for the day, before noon, I sleep in. It seems to be my defense against the real world. As long as I am asleep, I don't have to face the real world. That really is pretty pathetic. I used to look forward to a new day, anticipate what I was doing with some amount of joy, or at least happiness. Now, I simply face it with gritted teeth, as I painfully get out of bed.

Yesterday, I never totally dressed, and never left the apartment. I simply ventured out to the mail box to pick up junk mail. But, I did sweep the kitchen floor. That may not seem like much to the rest of the world, but for that moment in time, it was a triumph.

So, although I slept in this morning until past seven, I have been moving along at as great a speed as possible. I had goals for today. I prepared all my monthly letters to go out in the mail today, and joyfully got into my bank on the computer, and discovered that my VA check has been deposited in the bank. Wonderful!! I would have made it anyway, but that was a positive feel for the morning.

I used my Cricut on my own yesterday. And what did I do? I printed up Gregory's name. I plan to do it again this morning, and glue the name and whatever design I make onto a paper to take to him later today. I think the Cricut and I are going to be great friends, once I get over my fear of the machine itself.

I laid in bed last night and read The Tao of Pooh. I really loved that book, and it is going to be a source for my paper. I also requested books from the library which will get me started. A book about Daoism by Wayne Dyer, and the other book by Hoff, The Te of Piglet. I found quite a bit of information on the internet, and may continue to search it for more material. I need to define the target of my paper, and just get into it. Maybe before tomorrow is over, I will have started something on Daoism on my Word Perfect. Got to start somewhere. However, as usual, I know that once I start, I will wander from place to place. But, that's okay, I still have to start somewhere.

I'm reading Ahab's Wife. But I wish the book was smaller in size. It is so hard to hold that book as I lay in bed. It's heavy. But the content is so good. I guess I will have to renew it. I will not take it with me today to get my hair cut and colored. I just can't hold the book up that long. So, I'll take The Persian Pickle Club. That's our book club book for Monday. I'll reread sections and refresh my memory for characters and content so that I will feel the book again.

I do feel Spring coming, and I welcome it with open arms. I need fresh green things in my life, and little buds on trees, and perhaps a little hay fever for the season. I will try to cherish each forsythia bush I see and look at daffodils. I will cherish the fact that I no longer need to wear my winter coat, but can get by with a sweater. Spring is my time for renewal of spirit. Please allow me that.

February 26, 2010

For some reason, yesterday was a difficult day to get through. I was with friends, doing things I really wanted to do, the sun was shining. But my physical body screamed at me all day long, and I had to really push myself to do the things I wanted to do. But, I am happy I did all of them. I just wish I could have enjoyed them more thoroughly. Will this pain ever be gone, or at least deceased by 80%? That would be so wonderful! Hopefully, I would never complain about anything again the rest of my life.

Today is a gift. It has no appointments or meetings, or destinations assigned to it. I don't have to demand anything of myself at all. Even making the trip to Smiths to pick up the perscription I called in this morning can wait until tomorrow. I am quite sure it will make no difference if I miss one dose of this med.

If I spent the entire day on this computer today, with little to no pain it would be a reward for enduring. I can look up all possible things on Daoism, and print up things until I run out of ink. I can come back to this spot anytime I want to during the day, and touch the key pad for assurance.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have as much money as you want or need at your fingertips. It might be wonderful to have the peace of mind that financial security could bring. I can't quite wrap my mind around the prospect of being debt free, and being able to buy things on a whim. Perhaps after awhile you would lose your perspective as to what is important, and what is not. I don't believe I was really be happy if I had unlimited money, if I was aware that there were others with so much less. People who can't afford a home to live in, or enough food to stay healthy. And money cannot buy wellness, or happiness, or purpose. I am quite aware of that. I can see it all around me. But, a little more peace of mind financially might be nice.

I don't know where that came from. But it is the way I feel. No amount of money can buy the happiness of Gregory's cute little voice as he asks me to stay longer. Or suggesting I sleep over at his house. Or inviting me to have tacos with them on Taco night. The messages and tone of his voice says he loves me, and misses me. No amount of money can buy me that kind of happiness and joy.

As I look at the subject of Daoism, the subject just seems to get broader and broader. I need to narrow down my basic areas of interest, and focus on something very specific. I'll soon get back to the internet, and information on the subject and thing long and hard about it today. I do need to get a start on this as soon as possible. It's only a few weeks away, and so far, all I can think about is how to create the Yin/Yan sign on the cover page. Will, it is a beginning.

February 25, 2010

I'm getting ready to go to my second Cricut class. Perhaps there, I will figure out why I can't get this thing plugged in, or to turn on. It will be nice to know.

I don't feel wonderful today. My stomach feels a little "iffy". I know that isn't a word, but it describes how I feel. I just took half a "lesser" pain pill, and hope that doesn't affect me adversely. But, I am taking my chances. I will be happy when today is over, because tomorrow, I have no agenda. I love those days.

I finished Dear John, and although it was as good as his others, it wasn't earth shattering. I may want to see the movie.

I can't think. I may come back here later, when I feel better.

February 24, 2010

There is something about Daoism that really lights a spark in me. I really enjoyed last night's class, and decided that I would write my first paper on Daoism. I keep thinking of all the avenues I an follow as I write this paper. I can find my Dao of Pooh, and Te Of Piglet, and find part of Wayne Dyer's books to put into this paper. I just need to narrow it down to two or three fixation points, and then I will be ready to begin. I am excited! Why do I love the challenge of writing papers for classes? I have about a month to get this done, but if I focus, I should be able to manage it and feel good about it.

I didn't leave the apartment yesterday until I went to class. But, somehow, I found things to do to keep myself busy. Although they did not include dusting anything. But, somehow, the dust will remain, and can be removed at any time. Although, I doubt it is at a healthy level anymore.

I'm down to just my letter to Deanna, then the two e-mails which I will write on Sunday. I love composing and getting my letters ready to send out. The push to do so, I am thinking, is not a Daoist concept. My life lacks flow. I am constantly pushing against the current of life, trying to make things occur on my agenda. Life with be so much simpler if I could just "go with the flow. I should either accept the fact that I am who and what I am, or make a concerted effort to relax and "go with the flow". I believe that that concept would certainly be a show of faith on my part. Which is one of the biggest obstacles in my life.

Today is my laundry day. Though Jeremy doesn't fully realize that yet. Meaning, today, I get to see my cute little Gregory. He is my heartbeat!

I keep wondering why I can't get my Cricut to connect with electricity. It just doesn't. I may try the connections again today, and hope to get it going. If not, I won't know what I am doing wrong until I get to class tomorrow. Oh well, I have lots of time to get used to my Cricut.

Maybe what I should do this morning is get myself together, and read. I may be able to finish Dear John if I focus long enough. I would like to think I can get by this morning without a pain pill, but I don't know.

I will never be a good meditator. My mind wanders too quickly, too far, too often. I'm already thinking of things I should be doing, or want to do with this day, and I am not even dressed yet, and am fighting sleepy and tired. My eyes itch, and my bad aches. Wouldn't it be great to be able to meditate myself beyond this feeling?

If I focus my thoughts on little happy thoughts will I eventually think myself out of a slight depression? Because the day is gray, and I'm already dreading carrying my clothes basket to the car, and into Marilyn's house. But what needs to be done, will get done, somehow. If I show up at their house a little after two, I will have time to read quite a bit before I see my Gregory. I just want to feel his arms around me, and I want to plant little kisses on his face. He is my gift from God too.

Februray 23, 2010

I just took the "lesser" pain pill a little while ago, and I am waiting for it to kick in. It worked beautifully yesterday, and I am expecting as much today. There is a moment shortly after I take a pain pill, and relax in faith, that I feel wonderful. I'm not there yet. At this point I just want to go back to bed and wait until the day goes away. But that is giving in, and I don't want to do that. I want to move along with the day, and accomplish a few things, as I did yesterday. I keep thinking of dusting. At this point, I could write my entire name on any piece of furnature in this cute little apartment. My space deserves more admiration and respect than that. This is my home!

I began writing my monthly letters yesterday, and have completed three. I only have four more to type in and print out, and I do have until the end of the week. But, soon, the spirit will hit me, and I will go at it with the enthusiasm it deserves. I appreciate the fact that I can write letters, and I am thrilled when told by those who recieve them that they love receiving them. I think the written word is a wonderful thing. By the same token, I really love writing in here. This is my space, for my thoughts, feelings, ups and downs, hopes and dreams, anxieties, inspirations, and fond memories. I don't really care if anyone else reads these. The fact that I can put down my feelings into a space that is mine, is a blessing. Since my arm surgery, actually using pen and paper has been more painful, and this is an avenue which I find as an answer to prayer.

Okay, .... I'm beginning to feel more relaxed and comfortable. The pain pill is doing it's "thing" . I keep remembering how long I fought the use of real pain pills. I worried about dependence on them, and possible addiction. But the relief is so wonderful and generally certain. And why am I so opposed to addiction? I am addicted to eating, and smoking, and that is equally as harmful as dependency on pain relief. Besides, when I am not in such pain I am a much better person to be around , even in my own company. I am around myself more than anyone else.

It was so nice to get Arlene's letter yesterday. When I don't hear from her, I worry about her. She is the next one on my list to write to today. I enjoy writing to Arlene. I can open myself up to her more than almost anyone else on my letter list. I don't really understand that, because I am not always that at ease talking to her in person. I would love to see Karen and Arlene and myself having a long lunch together. But, I don't in actuality see that happening. Arlene will never make it to Salt Lake again without a real reason. But as I think of that happening, I realize how thankful I am that Karen and I are so close, and I can, at any time, just pick up the phone and call and talk to her. She has been such a great friend for so many years. And I really believe that the older we get, the more we have in common, and the more honest we can be with each other. I absolutely love that experience.

As I begin thinking how blessed I really am, I find that I am thanking God for all my blessings. For the health I do maintain, for my family, for my many friends, for the new friends I have made in the past few years, for growing in indpendence and strength, for taking a few chances in my new life, for beginning to open up with my real feelings, and for a touch more of faith than I had before. I wonder, if before I die, I will ever be strong enough to surrender my fears about myself to absolute faith. It is an ideal. I should be strong enough to fear nothing unknown. I am perhaps not learning the lessons of life well enough to actually do that. It would be a powerful, glorious feeling.

I keep thinking about dusting, or at least sweeping the kitchen floor. I also want to spend at least another hour studying my notes on Sikhism . Wouldn't it be cool to recognize the answer to every question on the quiz tonight? Dream on Diane! But, dreams are free. But, I do want to give it more than I have so far. However, these terms are so foreign, how can anyone learn the meaning of words they can't even begin to pronouce .

Perhaps when the Fall Semester comes around, I will search more diligently for a class in Philosophy. I still think that sounds like a great way to keep my mind active. But right now, I should be focusing on what to write my first paper in this class on. I keep thinging Daoism. I could use some of what I learned from Pooh. Give it a little twist. But seven pages? Suddenly that sounds really long. Of course, I could fudge a little and make the print size a little larger than standard, and perhaps it wouldn't be noticed. At least it would be easier to read. I wonder how important that is to Ken White.

It would be nice, and possible to finish Dear John by the end of the week. I really want to finish Ahab's Wife too. It's just that that one is so long, and although I am loving it, I doubt I can finish it before I need to read the next book for book club, but maybe. I suppose it is worth a try. Besides, I 'm very sure I can renew that one.

Okay, I'm relaxed, I can now sign out, and begin my letter to Arlene. And maybe I will dust?

February 22, 2010

The sun is out. The sky is soft blue. A few puffy clouds float in view. It is a beautiful day. I even opened the kitchen blinds to allow a little morning sunlight to touch on my expiring plant.

It IS a matter of attitude!! My back problem is still very much on my mind, but about two hours ago I decided to take control. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, created cinnamon toast, and ate breakfast. I didn't want to do any of that. But, I knew the best way to take a pain pill was to do exactly that. Now that pain pill has taken effect. I feel a little dittsy, but the back pain in not on the forefront of my mind and things, are getting done. I'm not talking about big things getting done. I don't intend to vacuum, or sweep the kitchen floor and mop it. But, I am accomplishing little tiny things. Not taking a step in any direction, is not growing or feeling, or experiencing life, or purpose in any way. So, I am moving. I won't expect a lot from myself today, and will only do things I really want to see done. I will create and edit ways and means of doing things I don't feel like doing, and at least attempt to perform some sort of movement, with, or without the constant pain.

I appreciated getting a phone call from Karen last night. We talked about our common pain, and what we are expecting for the future of said pain. I have to give Karen a whole lot of credit for enduring this kind of pain for so long. I really believe that her determination for enduring this, and living a life of consequense is braver than my feelings about it. I tend to whine about the suffering, and she does what she can around it, and maintains her friendliness, and a cheerful spirit in spite of what her body is trying to endure. What strength!!!! I am assuming that you just have to develop the attitude as you go along, and strenghen yourself in whatever way is necessary to maintain a life worth living. After all, I could be so much worse off, when I think about it. I am so fortunate to be living, enjoying my friends and family, and cute little Gregory. I can see, hear, move, drive, read, make my own choices in life, and I can set challenges for myself, such as writing a paper in the next month for my Religion class. I should be starting on that any day now. I am not in a wheelchair, nor hospital bed, and I have to keep doing the things that I can do, so that I don't lose the ability to do those things.

I appreciated Jerrie's phone call last night too. We really talk so seldom. But I know she is there, and I know she cares for me, and my welfare. And I know that she would, if she could put out whatever it takes to make my pain go away, and my life better. I don't know what I would do without her love and concern. Sometimes I feel that she "feels" me, better than anyone I know.

It is the last week of the month. That means that this week I want to write all my monthly letters. Got to check to see if I have enough stamps to cover bills and letters.

I really believe that my Cricut machine should fit into my rolling scrap book case. I am at this time wondering how difficult it will be to remove that sectioner in the case to make the Cricut fit inside more easily. I do not want to have to carry that machine without the aid of wheels. Are all things possible? I could spend a lot of time shopping thrift stores to find what is sitting in my mind as the perfect thing, but I think adapting this case will be the simplist. I hope!

What a great way to start my morning. Julie called as I had been out of bed for 10 minutes. My voice wasn't even in operating mode yet. She informed me of a scrap book day set up at Charms on the 5th of March. I am thrilled to be included. Julie, Lorraine, Charm and I . I do want to spend more time with these wonderful women. It's so great to be included.

Now, the morning is gone, and I am rolling along in top functioning mode, thanks to the pain pill. I just need to stay awake now. Keep moving. Keep living. Keep dreaming of better days. Think thankful and happy and blessed. Because I am!!!!

February 21, 2010

Sunday. I did enjoy yesterday, a lot! I just did things Iwanted to do, and felt less tired at the end of the day. Yet, I still was in bed before 9. It seems to be my general way of living now, and I guess it's fine.

Okay, I had an Activia for breakfast, but now I feel a little nauseated. I really don't like breakfast this early in the morning. It is quite an adjustment. Yet, I know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and should get me through feeling better than usual. Therefore, why do I feel this uncomfortable? I'm also feeling a little achy and sleepy. It's not even nine o'clock yet. I got plenty of sleep last night. I just can't seem to get enough, but I'm probably getting too much.

It's cloudy again today. It may even rain or snow a little. Yesterday was sunshine and blue skies, and my mood was better. There definitely is a corrolation between the weather, and the mood. But the whole thing is psycological. Thus, change the mind, change the mood. I'll have to work on that one for awhile.

My mood definitely needs to improve before very long. I had hopes and dreams for today. I would like to set up my Cricut, and do a little practicing. Also need to do a little grocery shopping, and maybe a little studying for class on Tuesday. Hopefully, I will begin to feel better in the next couple of hours, and the day will take on a whole new tone.

February 20, 2010

I have waited for this day all week. I am enjoying this day so much. Today has no plans. It's a Saturday. A free day. I even slept in this morning, and felt no guilt. How lucky to have days like this now and then. This is a day to charge my batteries, re-new my committment to like, and purpose. And for the last hour, I have been thankful for pain pills to counteract my consistent pain.

I am doing with this day, whatever I want to do. It's a creative mind game, and I'm enjoying it so much. I have done essential things. I have clothes on, taken my daily meds, had a little healthy breakfast, and picked up and put a few things around the edges away, and enjoyed a little sunshine. I am trying not to think about the clock. Except for the library hours, the clock is not important today. I may, or may not make it to the library. There is always Monday.

I do have a few things in mind that I really would like to get done, and depending on how long I feel only a little pain, I may try to do them. I would like to get the newspapers and plastics out to the recyling bin, take out a little perishable garbage, plug in my Cricut machine, maybe adapt my scrap booking tote to become my Cricut tote, run dishes through the dish washer, and maybe watch more of Band of Brothers. But , I will not force myself to do anything which disturbs my bodily comfort any more than necessary. However, I know myself well enough to realize that the more I can adequately accomplish today, the better I will feel emotionally. The goal, perhaps is to stay awake until at least 9 P.M. this evening, trying to get my body and routine back into some sort of order and functionality.

Maybe, if I treat myself well, both physically and emotionally, by Monday, I will feel strong enough to get out the sewing machine, and quilt blocks and actually sew some together, sweep the kitchen floor, maybe vacuum the living room, and perhaps dust the places that are bothing me the most. Sometime this week-end too, I need to go to a grocery store, and at least buy fresh milk and maybe bread.

I am quite sure that part of my unhappiness, and lamenting the pain, is emotional. I can feel it taking over, and I don't want it to do that. I must maintain a positive attitude, and happy spirit. It is my best defense.

I should try every day to do something positive for myself. Eat a healthy breakfast, drink more water, move more, do some real meditation to improve my mood, and elevate my spirit. Life is good, and I should find more to be happy with than spending my time dwelling on my run-down, pain -filled body.

I really enjoyed the past hour. I took a pain pill, then laid down on my massager/vibrater, and read a little more of the Elm Creek Quilter's book. I hate to give up Ahab's Wife, but right now it is too big to deal with. However, I love the way this woman writes. I love the sensitivity in the characters and the feelings she makes me feel. I will finish this book!!!!

With my mind filled with these objectives, I will prepare myself to actually go outside and venture into the larger world, ..... soon.

February, 19, 2010

It's getting harder and harder to feel normal. I try to maintain my happy spirit, but I ache, all the time, all day long, with deep intensity. But nobody, not even me, wants to hear a complainer. It's not my usual style, and besides, it makes no difference in my discomfort or pain level. I refuse to live on pain pills!! It takes away who I am inside. But, I also hate feeling this depressed because the pain and " tired-of-it" won't go away. It is hard to keep my mind focused on almost anything else.

Yet, there are things I want to do, today, and everyday. I want everyday to mean something, and feel wonderful for some reason, at least for a period of time each day.

I did not want to get myself out of bed and go to Mary Syrett's husband's funeral today. Not that I don't care about Mary, I definitely do. She is a sweetheart, and usually so pleasant to be around. But I wasn't sure I would be dressed correctly, or function properly at a Catholic funeral, or look presentable when I got there. Thanks to a lot of standing during the long service, it was easier to deal with. And it did help to have Lorraine Davis next to me to help me feel more at ease during the service.

My stomach is bothering me too. I didn't eat breakfast. Nothing sounded or looked good before I left. Then I had toast between the service and the lunch. Then I ate too much lunch. And, as usual, as soon as I got home, I laid down on the massager/vibrator, and just tried to relax. I have now taken two Rolaids, and am still feeling crumby, and sleeping, and in pain.

Now, I am trying to decide how to keep myself awake and endure the pain until it is time to take my pain pill, and nighttime pill and go to bed. I am so thankful I have not appointments or committments tomorrow. Yet, there are things I want to accomplish. I would like to take the papers and plastics out, a little garbage I forgot, and maybe go to the library. I need to read at least part of the text for class next week, and sometime before next Thursday, play with my Cricut again. And "Ahab's Wife" is so big. I may decide to put it aside, move to something lighter, and renew the book, or get it out again. After all "Dear John " is waiting for me at the Holladay library, and a new "Elm Creek " quilting book is calling me.

Only 4 more weeks, and I should be getting some help with my back. I must make it that long, and do the best I can with those four weeks. I can't just lay around and sleep all day everyday. However, sometimes I think that would be very easy. Very, very easy!!!!

Februray 17, 2010

Well, yesterday turned out differetly than I expected.

Just before I walked out the door to go to lunch with Red Hatters, I got a phone call from the Spine Institute. Dr. Barry decided I didn't really need surgery, so we cancelled that appointment for next Monday. Annette set me up with someone to look at my back and treat it. But that won't happen until March 17th. I also have a mammogram that day. Might as well do it all the same day, since the appointments don't conflict.

I am going to Marilyn's today to do my laundry. First I need to take my shower, change my bed, and get myself ready. I hurt.

Tomorrow, I have my first Cricut class, and I hope that I will really get a lot out of this class. I want to use this machine to enhance my scrap booking skills, and enjoy the results. I don't know how I will ever be able to afford all the cartridges that I want for this machine, but one can only hope that I can. Or be happy with the one's I do have.

I can't believe that I have to wait another month to do anything to alleviate some of this pain in my leg and back. Some days, I just want to lay down and cry due to the pain. But, there are no other choices that I can see right now. It's just so difficult to carry on with life and things I really want to do when I am in this much pain. I'm whining. Didn't want to do that, but some days it is harder than others to maintain a smile and good attitude. Right this minute I want to go back to bed, and just lay there. And I've only been up a little over two hours. But seeing, and holding my Gregory will be good for my heart and soul. Sometimes I feel like he is the only one who loves me enough. I just want to hold him in my arms for a long, long time.

February 16, 2010

I definitely feel a head cold coming on. Sneezing, runny nose, ichy, achey, and feeling like a stretch of bad road. Not only that, but my back and leg ache , almost non-stop.

Couldn't get through to Annette. Have to put that one off until tomorrow. The only thing I am looking forward to today is lunch with Red Hatters at CheeseCake Factory. I think I will then go to Murray Library and get a book. I just finished my last one. Book withdrawl!

I almost hate the thoughts of sitting in Religion class tonight, but I do want to go.

I'm trying to decide if I want to chance a pain pill, or just a little pain reliever.

I've first got to get dressed. Not even looking forward to that.

This is obviously not my best time to blog. I am feeling negative about everything right now. But, I love coming here, even if it is only to feel sorry for myself.

February 15, 2010

This is one of those holidays that aren't really celebrated, just a day off work for certain employees. Since I am not part of the work force of the nation, it has little bearing on my personal life. It is President's Day. Back in the day when I was in grade school, we remembered Abraham Lincoln on his birthday and George Washington on his. Now those birthdays are lumped together so that we can have a holiday, or a day off. Politics is strange.

While I was laying in bed last night, waiting to get sleepy enough to actually sleep, I had a fleeting moment of realization that at that moment, or any particular moment in time, I really had no need to worry. Whatever is going to happen, be it during the night, or the next day, or any day, will happen and my reaction to anything is only based on my reality of what I preceive the event to be in relation to my life. So, for that fleeting moment, which I can't seem to fully re-capture, even if I took whatever time I choose to do anything I want, it is fully my decision. Thus, if I choose today to sit and stare at a wall for an hour, and contemplate it's history and origin, and significance, and do nothing more, that is my choice. I need to quit focusing on the pain and discomfort in my back and leg, and spending my time trying to figure out ways and means around the disability, and engage in something else, it is my choice. I somehow feel that what I am saying in this space makes no sense, except to me. But, it was an "Aha" moment, and the happiness and freedom I felt in that moment is gone, and I can't quite get it back. Maybe the point was, that although this particular day has not been given a regular structure, it doesn't mean I am just floating in space. I can give significance and meaning to this day in any way I choose, or I can lay in bed all day, and wish I were doing something else. Even just rearranging an object on a shelf or dusting a belonging can feel like something I want to do. A day does not mean it has to have rules or regulations, or set agendas. That is a mind -set, and not fully real at all times. I do have things that I need to get done this week, some that I am not all that excited about. But, I can arrange my days and times to accomodate the things and need and want to get done during this week. I am looking forward to Saturday already, because that is a free day. I am wishing my life away. I want to be enjoying as many aspects of every day as much as I can. At my age, life is getting shorter, and time takes on more meaning. Life is a gift, and should be seen and used that way. Just marking time, does not mean a person is fully living or appreciating the gift.

I loved my Valentine from Gregory yesterday. Right after Bible study, he appeared with a stack of Valentine cards in his hand, and very carefully made sure that everyone got the proper card with his very own signature on it. I wonder how long it will take him to get in the habit of turning his lower case "g" around the other direction. But the fact that he is writing his name is such a pleasure to behold, in his childlike fashion. Even thinking about his handwriting makes me love him more.

I could go out today, and just window shop in a mall, or get myself together, and go have a drink at McDonalds and read, or I could watch another episode of " Band of Brothers" , or I could get out some purple and red stock paper, and find pictures of Patsy, and begin scrap booking her page. There I go again, thinking I must plan my day. I don't need to. It's a day.

February 14, 2010

Valentine's Day. The day of love and romance.

Funny, I don't remember any Valentine's Day in my life that I felt was full of love and romance. And I always considered myself a true romantic. Maybe I just didn't look hard enough, or deep enough. My husband was certainly not a romantic person. If I ever received roses for the day, I do not remember them. But, there are other types of love, and love as a whole, should be celebrated in some way. I tend to think of it as a world-wide day of love for everyone. However, that is the way I picture Christmas also. Generally, when I think of Valentine's Day, I remember making paper Valentines, and pretty red hearts with paper doilies, and running around the town placing them at people's doorsteps. That was fun. Now days, it generally means I could make pretty Valentine cards if I wanted to, and send them to friends and loved ones. I have done that in the past.

I watched " The Bridges of Madison County" last night. Hadn't seen it for quite awhile, and I still found it deeply romantic. I wonder how many people in the world find deep love like that, and let it go because they demand doing "the right thing" with their lives. It makes me wonder where my soul mate was when I was living my life in quiet desparation. But, it makes no difference now. Except , I am still living and breathing, and wishing I had more in my life, and at the same time, making what I do have, wonderful and full. Is this growing old gracefully? Where is the impact?

For several years, my grandson and I have carried out a tradition, just the two of us. We bake and decorate holiday cookies. Yesterday of course, was Valentine cookies. He really enjoys this experience, but, not as much as I do. Helped roll out the dough, cut the heart shapes, put them on the cookie sheet, and was anxious to frost and deocorate them. They are far from perfect. They will never win a ribbon at a fair, or a prize at a bake-off, but they are ours, and they are special. He gave me the cookie cutters for my birthday, saying, " to make Valentine cookies, grandma". It was a special birthday gift, because I knew that he had picked the gift himself, and looked forward to our cookie experience. So, he rolled out dough, cut out big hearts, smaller hearts, medium hearts, and little scalloped hearts. But he also requested, and got two hand print shapes which he took great pride in. I mixed green, red, and pink icing, and he used all the colors, then used a lot of green and red sprinkles to decorate. He thought back to our Christmas cookies, and asked about making Halloween cookies. Later, I realized that we can actually make ST. Patrick Day cookies, since I have a few clover leaf cut outs as well. I love these special times with Gregory, when we are sharing our loving time alone, just the two of us, and enjoying every moment of the experience. I know that in a few years these times will just be happy memories for both of us. He will soon be too big, or too grown up to want to be making cookies with Grandma Di. So, I cherish it while it is here.

Later in the day I went to a viewing for Patsy. It was difficult to see her in that casket. It hardly looked like Patsy. I felt the sorrow for her children, and realized how much her family would miss her. Lorraine looked so unhappy, and I felt a great sorrow for her. She and Patsy were so close, had such a bond. I spent the time with Red Hat friends at the viewing, and was so happy that I had made the effort to get there. After the viewing, four of us went to Johanna's for pie. We have such a great relationship. Patsy should have been a greater part of what we enjoy. Saying good-bye to someone you know and admire is so difficult. Patsy was a very special person, and her family will feel her loss forever.

February 12, 2010

Funny how life's plans can change, and put things out of order, even if just for a few minutes and hours. I had planned to drive up to the U.ofU. hospital this morning to pick up film of my MRI . So, I called, and they basically told me I can't get it without cost. Then I called the Spin Institue, and got information. I'll call the spine institute next Tuesday and work this out. But, my morning is free. That should fill me with joy, but, I just feel at loose ends.

When life changes on me I feel a little upset, but the morning is free. It should be a reward. However, the need to fill the morning up with something leaves the field wide open, and there are way too many choices. At times like this I usually just flit from thing to thing, and little gets accomplished. But, just maybe, nothing needs to get accomplished. There's a new thought.

Gregory is always so cute, without even trying to be. As soon as I see him, my heart skips a beat, and I am smiling. While I am there, just doing my laundry, he doesn't leave me, but stays close by and tries to entertain me, and keep me company. That makes me feel very good. So, I'm going back over there today, and we are going to make Valentine cookies. He does like making shaped cookies and frosting them, and putting sprinkles on them. It is our "sharing" time, and it is very precious to me. I should think of other things we can do together, and enjoy each other. He and grandma Jennie made a book of pictures he drew, and he showed it to me.

I can read today. I can read!

February 11, 2010

It's snowing! This was a surprise to me. I have been thinking Spring for the past few days. Well, this is still a sign of Spring. We live in Utah.

My thoughts were so scattered yesterday after the phone call from the Drs. office. I really didn't expect what I recieved. My initial reaction was terror. But, I have to develop enough faith to see the wisdom in back surgery. I was told that the damage is too great for therapy or other proceedures. The only answer to my back problems is surgery. Two doctors were recommended, and based on my schedule for my life, I picked one that could get me in around my schedule. I have heard horror stories about back surgery all my life. I never thought I would have to face the possibility of such a thing. But, I am facing it. But seeing this problem, on top of Patsy's sudden death, is very frightening if I think about it too much. I must focus on the positive possibilities. Ken's surgery really helped him. I have heard of others who says back surgery has really helped. But, will my size and weight be a factor? And how big a factor?

I am happy that I went to Pat's last night to play Bunco. I don't really find Bunco that much fun, but I do enjoy the time spent with friends, and always enjoy the pot luck. I was happy that Paula and Candy came and joined us. It gave us a chance to get to know them a little better. We exchanged $5.00 gifts last night, and I got the cutest heart-shaped, silver measuring spoons I have ever seen.

I am thankful for my friends and family. They are my support system, and they do care about me. I am truly blessed to have such loving people in my life. When life's problems rise up around me, it helps so much to look at the things I am most thankful for. My friends, my family, my comfortable life and the serenity of knowing that God does love me, and knows what is best for me, and my life. Why is fully surrendering to faith so very difficult for me?

February 10, 2010

My sleep pattern seems to be a little messed up. I keep sleeping a little later each morning. Not that it usually makes too much difference, but it does seem strange to me. When I woke this morning, it was light in the room. No wonder, it was after 8 AM. Apparently, I need more reason to get up earlier in the mornings. But most the time, there really is no real reason to do so, except perhaps, the regularity of do so.

This morning the sky is blue, and the birds are chirping, and the air seems clearer than it has done for quite awhile. I somehow feel Spring in the air. That is good for my spirit. I love Spring. New beginnings. Fresh start to the world.

I had promised myself that today I would wash the car, go find Pat's house, and sometime today up-load my pictures again to my computer, and try to get them in the right spot so that I can access them, and get them where I want them. I need to do this so that I can regularly add pictures to my blog.

Now that Gregory's scrap book is done, and delivered, I feel a little empty spot. That was my focus for a long time. But, the starting again time is soon to begin. Saturday is his sixth birthday, and my camera needs to be ready to record birthday pictures for a new scrap book. I can scarcely believe that this little guy will be six years old. Time goes so quickly. And I still miss my everyday time with him. I didn't used to sleep in too long when I knew I was going to spend the day with Gregory.

But, now that Gregory's scrap book is done, I could devote more time to my other scrap books. I could organize the pictures for my family album, add some pictures to my "Me" scrap book, and even up date in the Red Hat scrap book. I also need to try to expand my creativity and make these scrap books better. I need more flair, and more originality. New ideas for pages.

I really do enjoy my religion class. It is so interesting to learn about these Eastern beliefs, and try to fully comprehend the source of their beliefs. I know I could never be a Hindu, or a Buddhist, or a Jainist. But it is interesting to see where their concepts and beliefs originate, and how deeply their beliefs go.

I just checked my bank account, and I am always happy to find that my checks are where they should be, and I can spend $10 and not worry about it. My life feels pretty secure, within it's parimeters.

February 9, 2010

Patsy, Patsy, why you? Why now? I just can't believe that you are gone.! You were the sweet, quiet one that was nice to everyone. I feel the lose of you as a friend. I wish I had known you better, and longer. I still find it inconceivable that you are gone from this earth. You were so young , and had so much future to look forward to. You had a family who loved you, and a young grandson that you adored. You were so close to being retired, and using your life the way you wanted to. You made an impact in my life, whether you knew it or not. You had such a warm , sweet smile, and your eyes lit up when you laughed, and you added happiness to life around you.

I couldn't get you out of my mind all day yesterday. I functioned, but, it was an effort to keep my mind on task. I kept thinking how we never know when we will die, and as is always the rule, we need to keep our priorities in mind, and in the proper order. My first silly thought was, "If that happened to me, who would discover that I was gone" Then I thought about the trouble I would cause my beautiful daughter, financially, and materially. I don't have enough money in my bank anywhere to bury me. My apartment is full of "things" she would need to go through and throw away. I really hope to live long enough to be financially solvent, and not have too much "stuff" for Marilyn to have to deal with. As far as death is concerned, I am not really worried about the act itself. I simply worry about my daughter and grandson. Even, Jim would adjust and be fine. But Marilyn and Gregory would hurt a lot. But this whole line is much too morbid.

I am thankful Patsy was a part of my life in any way, even if just for a few years. She was a happy presence in my life, and I thank her for that. Perhaps I can learn a lesson from her character in fuse it into my life to make me a better person and friend. So, thank you Patsy for allowing me to consider you my friend. You were a special person, and the thought of your warm smile, will remain with me for a long, long time. You touched my life, and made it better. That is a friend.

February 8, 2010

My daughter asked me yesterday, on her 34th birthday, " Do I look 34?" Oh course I told her "no", but , in all reality, what does 34 look like? To me she looks like she did at 7 or 8, just taller, and more filled out. As I look at her, I see beauty, love, wisdom, strength, and softness. She is a very loving person, and only shows it most to her friends and family. She is , indeed, my reward for whatever I have done in my life.

I enjoyed yesterday. I loved my hug from Gregory. I enjoyed my time with friends in Bible study. I loved taking my gift to Marilyn, and the few minutes we shared alone. I enjoyed lunch and time with Julie. I appreciated the fair weather, and coming home to "my home". It is my home, and it does warm and comfort me, and loves me.

I'm still anticipating the call from the Drs. who are going to set me up an appointment for consultation on my back. I am a little nervous, but there is no sense being nervous about things you don't know . When the time comes, I'll make decisions then. I just want to believe that eventually, this constant pain in my back and legs will go away. I haven't felt pain free for many months. Almost forgot how it feels.

It's Monday, so I want to start the week out well. I have written up a list of things I want to do or experince today, and it is sitting on my dining room table. Soon, I will get myself together, get out the door, and do the things I want to do. I would like to finish my book so that I can take it back to the library when I go. But, if I don't I don't.

Wednesday evening we Red Hatters are going to play Bunco, and have pot luck. I don't enjoy Bunco that much. But I do enjoy being with these friends. Every one of them adds something to my life, and I am so happy I am part of this group. Two new women have joined, and I am excited about getting to know them better, and allowing them into my life. The longer I live, and the more I mingle with society, the more I realize that women around my age are so much like me. We have had life experinces, we have known pain, and heartache, and disappointment, and successes, and have weathered storms, and made it to this point whole. We are stronger, wiser, more optomistic than the younger generation. We are a sisterhood. They all add to my list of friends and people I enjoy being with, and feel safe with.

Some days I appreciate my life because of where I am in my life now. I appreciate who and what I have become in the past ten years. I appreciate the people in my life who show me they care about me, and truly listen when I want to talk and express my deep feelings. I do believe that I have a little more strength to give to others than I did a few years ago. I am a little more sure of my ablitities, and of my short-comings. And I am trying to move on, and to stretch my abilities, and stop questioning myself. Life is too short to take all the safe paths.

February 7, 2010

Thiry four years ago today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My life has never been the same since that moment. She brought joy and happiness into my life from that moment on. How blessed I have been for having this lovely girl in my life for these years. She is , indeed, the most positive thing I have ever done in my life. She is my miracle. Now, she too, is understanding the depth of a Mother's love. And her life is fuller and richer because of our little Gregory. And , because she gave me my grandson, I love her even more deeply. Happy Birthday my darling daughter!

I am so happy Julie is back. She adds more dimention to my life, and helps me see more sides of life than I normally see. We are going for lunch today, her choice of locations. I don't care where we go, as long as we do.

I finished Gregory's scrap book yesterday, and I was extremely tired at the end of the day. But so happy that it is done, and tied in ribbon.

There is nothing on T.V. tonight. I may plan my evening around reading, or go pick a movie from Block Buster. Or do something else. I keep forgetting that my life does not have to follow a particular pattern, I can do something totally off the wall if I want to. I could put shoes back on, and go out for coffee, but my book is almost finished. I do need to read my religion text and review my notes from last weeks class. Buddhism was big.

I wonder if I up load my pictures again, if I can get them to go to Adobe, and be where I want them to be so that I can get them out. I would hate think that I need to ask Marilyn to come help me again. But, if necessary, I could ask her for a little time on the 15th. I'll try again first. I would like to accomplish this on my own if possible. I really would like to successfully post my picture in my face book and blog spot. Once I successfully accomplish that, I will send pictures out in e-mails as well. Millions of people do this every day. It shouldn't be that difficult.

Okay, it's time to get myself together, and get out of here and start my day. Tomorrow I can venture off to the library.

February 6, 2010

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. She is the pride of my soul. If I did nothing else of worth my whole life, then, she is my greatest accomplishment. I knew, as soon as she was born, that she was a special child. She was perfect in every way. Having her in my life has been my greatest joy! I love Marilyn with all my heart. And , as if having her was not enough, she gave me the total gift of a little boy in my life. Thank you Marilyn for your love and gifts to me, all my life.

I should not have Googled my condition, and read the fine print. My back has some serious issues. Not that I can't feel them, I can, but knowing what is going on inside my body and what it entails , is frightening. Along with being very painful and disabilitating. So, without staying stuck on my physical condition, I moved along yesterday, and accomplished a few things. I completed Gregory's pages in his scrap book, and went out and bought his birthday gifts, wrapping paper, etc., and a few groceries. I haven't yet checked my check book balance to see where I am acutally, but I'm sure I will make it through Tuesday.

I don't plan to do much today except finalize the scrap book, and read, but I may decide to get myself dressed, out of here, and to the library to pick up the book club book, and check out books by Anne George.

I should pull out my quilt blocks and find out how far I need to go to begin that project again. I think I promised myself I would work on them while the cold weather is here. So, I've only got a month or so to get into this project. I have visions of this quilt completed, and on my bed. But, it's the uncertainty as I progress to that point that keeps me from actually pulling it out of it's hiding place in my closet, to actually do more work on it. I am NOT a quilter. But maybe the experience will make me feel good. I try not to think about the money I put into the material for this quilt. Because, the money is long gone. Now it is just an unfinished project. My life has been filled to capacity with unfinished projects. I owe it to myself to take on this challenge. I can read, I can write, I can scrap book, I can make wreaths, I can make cards, I can bake cookies and cakes, I can have fun with friends, I can enjoy the simple joys of life. Must I be able to quilt too?

I'm sitting here in my bedroom, thinking how great it would be to just go back to bed. Bad idea. I will feel like an unproductive person. On the other hand, who would know, or care? I would! And I need to do something progressive and worthwhile today. I even thought of making a cake last night. I may decide to do that. I sometimes just long for a piece of cake. The other half can go in the freezer. Living alone has some definite down sides.

February 5, 2010

Funny, it's a new day, yet a feel a certain left over feeling from last night. Same worries, same aches. But, it is a new day, with new possibilities. I must keep that in mind. And even if the next week should present problems, it's still only a small amount of time in my life span, and I have to surrender enough to know that what will happen, will happen, and there will be a reason, and it will be for my own best good. There, the words are down. Now , if only I could feel the certainty in my heart and soul. Having real, deep faith , is my greatest weakness. Because sometimes, I feel so very much alone. Can I never feel filled enough to feel secure?

If anyone is reading this, I confess to being weak. I am not a hero, or even brave . I try, really I do, but down inside, I want someone to take care of me, and re-assure me.

I am down to the last two days to work on Gregory's scrap book for this year. And , Shirley called and left a message that she has to postpone our all day scrapbook day until next month. That is not really a tragedy, because this way I don't have to pack up all my supplies, and anticipated needs, and make the trip to Shirley's. I am here, with everything I need, and the real time to do it. I just miss seeing Shirley and Diane, and possibly Patricia. But, I need time too, to pick up Gregory's presents, card, wrapping paper, and a $5 gift for Pat's Bunco activity on Wednesday night. So, it's okay. I just need to schedule myself to do the things I need and want to do over the next two days.

I think I need something happy in my life today. Either something I create for myself, or a new experience, or a little more thought time into my gratitudes, or a new project, or goal, or doing some positive cleaning in this apartment, or hearing from Julie, or touching my daughter, or grandson, or reading something really upbeat. Maybe I need to treat myself to dinner out tonight, and read something, even just the book I am reading. I do love the women in this book. I could go to Block buster and see if there is a good movie I can watch tonight. Or, I could try Red Box. Never tried that before. However, the last time I looked at Red Box offerings, I didn't see anything I would put a dollar out for. Why are there no good movies anymore. Has the movie industry lowered it's standards? Are there no fresh scripts to choose from? It might help if I thought movie comedies were really funny. I just think they are silly and meaningless.

It is almost 9 A.M. and I do need to start doing something that gets me away from this computer. There is no doubt, I spend way to much time in front of this screen. But, e-mails that I receive, are appreciated. They mean that someone out there thought about me at least long enough to send me something. That sounds totally pathetic.

At any rate, it is time to leave this spot and venture into the world beyond my computer, and do something I feel is an accomplishment. Something positive, and upbeat.

End of the Day

If I begin crying on my key board, it is only because I am so tired tonight, and my back hurts so badly. I went up to the U.ofU. hospital today, and picked up my MRI. Fortunately, it only took me an hour. On the way over to Marilyn's to do my laundry, I dropped off my MRI with the sheets from those who read the results, and took them over to the Spine Center. The receptionist took them, and said that a panel of back and spine Drs. would look them over and then call me to come in for a consult to decide my treatment. It's not just herniated discs, it spinal stenosis, labeled as mild on the forms. At any rate, since that time, my back has hurt worse. It's probably psychological worry about what these Drs. are going to recommend.

I'm worried, I'm scared, and at this point I feel very alone. But, the sooner they call, and the sooner I see a Dr. , the sooner I will have some options, and hopefully some relief from this intense pain. I'm in so much pain now days, that I am a little nauseous most of the time. I am certainly not eating as much. Nothing even sounds good. I'm sure this condition is not serious, the lack of appitite I mean.

Tomorrow I can use the day to totally finish Gregory's scrap book. Saturday, I need to go buy Gregory's presents, and wrapping paper for Marilyn's gift.

I don't want to stop living or enjoying my life because of a back condition. I don't want to continue to survive on pain pills. I don't want back pain to keep me from following along paths that I want to try and experience. I don't want this to be the end of a life I have just begun really enjoying and living more fully. I really would like to get a part-time job to help pay for more fun with my friends, or allow me more access to other ventures in life. Will I have to just endure this pain the rest of my life? I hate that my body is falling apart, and allowing me to feel so sorry for myself. I thought I was bigger than this, but here I am whining. So much of this is maintaining a positive attitude, and I am trying. But right this minute, I am allowing myself fear and an evening of feeling sorry for myself. I think I am allowed a little of that, maybe from time to time. Most the time I feel very, very blessed, and fortunate to be who and where I am at this time in life. I guess this is just a lonely moment. It will, and must pass.

February 4, 2010

Another day, and another challenge. I am so unsure of myself when I try to accomplish things I have never done before, no matter how simple they may appear to the average public. Today my goal is to get my MRI to the Intermountain Spine Institute. So, in a few minutes I am going to make a call to the U.of U. clinic, and , to the best of my ability try to convey what I need to someone I don't know, can't see, or don't know how to communicate with, and get it done. My hope is that I can make the request, leave my home, drive to the clinic and pick them up, then drive to the location I want, find the right area and person to give them to, and get home before I want to be headed to Marilyn's to do my laundry. This is really grating on my last nerve.

I am happy that I gave Jeremy the shadow box for his birthday. I think he really appreciated it. I know that he is envisioning it , sitting on a desk in an office somewhere, with him behind the desk.

I keep thinking about my religion class, and being a Buddhist. They really have a deep, yet confusing view of the world and the afterlife. But, it is the depth that really amazes me. To imagine yourself following such a strict path is very hard to imagine. I really can't fathom thinking that deeply, or meditating to that magnitude. I find meditating a greater challenge than I can manage. My mind jumps from thing to thing so quickly, I can't fully concentrate on any one thing for any longer than a minute. It would take great discipline on my part to devote that much focus, full focus, on thinking on things as deeply as a Buddhist does. Life moves too quickly in my world to envision holding a focus long enough to make it beneficial to me.

I am so thankful that my life is so full, not overly full, but full enough for my well-being. I apprciate the blessings I have, and can focus on what I have, what I have had, and what I hope for in the future. Because, I do assume there will be more future for me. And although I still struggle with my insecurities which hold me back from doing more, I am growing and learning my potential every day. I don't expect a lot from myself, so when I do accomplish something that I consider a positive step, I tend to bask in that glow of accomplishment for awhile before moving on, to a new, and unknown venture.

But, I appreciate the characters in the books I read. When they show growth, and strength, I feel the joy of growing. I am especially enjoying the women in the current book I am enjoying. How hollow my life would be without the abitlity to read and enjoy good books.

I am happy today because before this day is over, I will be spending some quality time with my darling grandson. I love him so much.

February 3, 2010

It has been my habit, since I began this blog, to do it in the morning, when I am at least semi-fresh and full of hope, and confidence. I didn't get the chance to post my thoughts this morning, and now, I am almost too tired to do it.

I took Julie's spot in a card making class today, and it was fun. I was there with Judy, and Charm, and I accomplished 4 Valentine cards. It was fun, and I loved the experience. It just shows me how much I can accomplish once I learn to use my Cricut die-cut machine. And , sure, I'd love to feel I had the money to invest in doing these classes for a long, long time, but the reality is, for me, it is just not in my budget. Therefore, I will let the opportunity go.

After class, Charm and I went to Del Taco for lunch. I enjoy having lunch with friends.

Part of this day I have been trying to coorinate my records from Dr. Stokes, to get things transferred to the Spine Institute, and get an appointment set up to get this cortisone treatment. I will persue it again in the morning. Hopefully, will have an appointment set up by the time I take my laundry to Marilyn's.

At this point in time, I am looking forward to getting in comfies, getting myself some kind of meal for evening, watching "Mercy" and going to bed to read. Can hardly wait until time for pain pill.

But, tomorrow is another day, full of possibilities and knowing I will get my laundry done, and see my darling Gregory. Friday, I must complete the essential work on his album. It must be finished by Sunday. Somehow, I know I will make it.

February 2, 2010

This seems late in the day for me to finally being here. I was running late this morning, and didn't have the time carved out in which to do it. But here am.

The first thing I did on the computer this morning, as usual , was check e-mail. For some reason that is just the way I begin my days. Then I had to sent an e-mail monthly letter, and birthday greeting to my cute little brother in New York.

I went to have breakfast with Red Hatters, and the only one's who showed up were Charm and myself. So, it was just the two of us, and we had a long, lingering, breakfast chat. It is so seldom I get to have a chance to spent one-on-one time with any of the Red Hatters, except Julie. I really enjoyed this.

After I dropped my books at the library, I came home, and before I gave myself a chance to take off my shoes, and get too comfortable, I took the newspapers out to the re-cyling bin, and brought the paper bags back in. That is a job I always dread. First of all, it's hard for me to lift the paper bags high enough to get them over the inside edge of the dumpster bin, and secondly, if the lids are closed on the bins, its very painful to lift the lid high enough to get the full paper sacks over the edge. But this morning, the lids were open, and the task was easier. I always feel good when my newspaper sacks are empty, ready for new newspapers.

My next goal for the day is to finish the shadow box picture frame I am doing for Jeremy,and getting it wrapped. After my one session of card making tomorrow and lunch with Charm, I will take his gift to him. Marilyn's gift is still in the trunk of my car, and may remain there until Saturday.

I am looking forward to Saturday. That day I am going to Shirley's to scrap book for a few hours. I can certainly finish Gregory's scrap book during that time. However, I will get his Christmas page done by Friday night. And Friday also, I will collect a lot of pictures of Gregory that I can put around his journal pages at the end of the book. By Sunday, I can present this to Marilyn for her birthday, plus the gift that Jeremy suggested.

I sure wish I could get my pictures out of where they are hiding in this computer, and into my two profiles. I beg I get it done one of these days though. I know they are in there somewhere. I've seen them two or three times, but I can't seem to keep them in place long enough to accomplish the goal I have in mind. I am smarter than the computer, I think. Although, there are times I feel it laughing at me, and my inability to accomplish something that I am sure is generally considered very simple. Millions of people do this simple operation every day. It can't be that difficult. Except perhaps for me. And maybe for me it is simple a negative mind-set. Think positive!

February 1, 2010

It's Monday, and more specifically, it's the first Monday of the month. That means it is Book Club Day! This is about my most favorite day of the month. Today we are meeting at Diane's and reviewing her book " The Ladies of Covington Send Their Love". I loved this book so much that I requested a follow-up book of the same series from the library, and have begun reading it already. I loved the ladies in this book. I wish I lived with them, or at least in their neighborhood. Diane picks the neatest books. Actually, everyone in the group picks great books because they want us all to love them. It is usually hard to find a book I don't like. Especially, if someone I know recommends one.

Okay, I began this morning making changes in my personal health care. One small step, and I had to back up a little bit, but maybe it is for the best. It has bothered me ever since I asked Julie to take me to Park City for an appointment. That's a long ways, and it could be worked around, I just didn't take the time to assess the issue and figure out another answer to a quick decision. But it bothered me so much when I realized how inconvenient that was for Julie, that there were other options. So, this morning I took the first step in another direction. We will see where this goes.

Two more monthly letters to write, and I have it done. But, I love writing my monthly letters. It's kind of like I am momentarily connecting to these people in my life, and I feel happy.

I've been working on a shadow box picture for Jeremy for his birhday. So far, it doesn't make me too happy, but I will continue thinking about it the rest of today, and tomorrow, and get it done. His birthday is Wed. and I always think it is the fourth of Feb. and not the third. I always know it is close to Marilyn's , and before Gregory's.

I loved my time with Gregory yesterday. He was so cute, and never left me alone for more than a minute all the time I was there. I felt loved, and special, and I sincerely needed that in my life. He is, indeed the light of my life.

Now, if I could just find the pictures I loaded into the computer the other day, and figure out how to get a picture on my profile, I will feel pretty close to invincible. That may take a few days. I need lots of uninterrupted time to devote my full attention to the project. And I must finish Gregory's album by Saturday. Next Sunday is Marilyn's birthday, and I want to give this to her then. Before tomorrow is over, I will finish that Christmas page, and select pictures to go around his journal sheets in the back. Saturday, I can fully finish it at Shirley's. Look forward to that day too.