March 31, 2010

This will be short. It would go down hill if I went too far.

I'm still depressed and feeling very vulnerable. It wouldn't take much to make me cry actually. And it is snowing!!!!

Pool therapy in three hours, and I am dreading it with my whole being. I need to work myself up, feel good about the upcoming experience, and move along. I'm still too weak to get there.

I woke up this morning an hour before the alarm was set to go off. I mis-read the clock, and thought that the alarm had not got off. I'm a bundle of nerves , and I am unhappy.

I know that it is a matter of attitude, but I just can't work it up today. I need emotional therapy right now, and that just says weak to me. I am usually so much more up-beat.

March 30, 2010

Yesterday was not my best day. I really did feel sorry for myself yesterday. It didn't do any good. It just brought sympathy and encouragement from those around me. Then I just felt pathetic.

It was amazing what one and a half pain pills will do. From 3 o'clock until about 7, I felt no pain. But I did feel a little woozy. But there was about an hour in there, that I felt good about life, again. I am so very tired of this pain. What happened to to effects of cortisone? Is this the best it is going to get on cortisone?

Today it is still cloudy, and it is windy, and although I see buds on the trees, and should be enjoying Spring thoughts, I am still fighting sleepy and depressed. I took three pain relievers after I had a little breakfast, and I have done one set of execises, and looked over my monthly bill budget, and my other regular morning things. So, things are getting done, but I am not happy, or feeling great about life, or the pain in my leg. I'm getting worse about just sucking it up.

My ambition for this morning( which is going away quickly) , is to write at least two more letters, then hopefully wash my face, put on make-up, and get newpapers to the recyling bin.

I do want to spend some time studying for my quiz on Zoasterism for tonight. We are getting in Western religions as of tonight. Hopefully, names and terms will not be so hard to memorize or remember for future quizzes. I should start thinking about what I want to write my next paper on.

I need to get myself "Up" , and carry the attitude into everything I do. I'm so fighting the depression. Why am I so "down"? Is it just the pain? Or is something else bothering me? Maybe I need to be still, and listen.

March 29, 2010

I'm not sure I should even be entering thoughts in here this morning. I am not feeling my usual, bubbly self. My back, as a whole feels better, but the muscle in my right upper leg aches a lot. I'm sure I am just straining it too much in the exercises I am doing, and it isn't happy.. At any rate, I am for some reason nowdays feeling slightly unsure of myself, and a touch out of my element. Physical therapy hurts, and doing the exercises takes a certain amount of dedication and determination, and time, that I am not used to giving. I had become very accustomed to my normal, quiet, do-nothing routine. Now, I question myself at every move. At this point in time, I should be feeling empowered, and in control, and I don't. I just want to go back to bed, and snuggle into the covers, and sleep. Every action taken in any positive direction seems like a real endeavor. Self pity is so pathetic though.

I go to pool therpy this morning. And I did love the last time I was there. Now, I just don't want to do it this morning. I just don't. It's not that I have anything more interesting or exciting to do, it's just that I want to do nothing today. NOTHING!!!!!! This is beginning to sound like depression, and I am not usually a depressed person, and when I do feel depression coming on, I can usually talk myself out of it. But, I feel like I am caving in to this . I need a few positive affirmations running through my head and heart 24/7. That is so needy!

I haven't seen sunshine today. I should see sunshine. That may help. Perhaps too, just accomplishing something positive this morning before I go to the pool will help. I'm almost afraid to write to Arlene while I feel this way. I need to work on happy for awhile.

Thus, my goal for today is to work on happy , positive, up-lifting feelings to fill myself up again with the good in my life. Because, there is so much good in my life. My little family, all my wonderful friends, whom I love so much, my improved back condition, the fact that I am doing something very positive for my physical condition, many good things to look forward to in the days and weeks to come, blessings I seem to be taking for granted, and love all around me. There are things to learn, experiences to enjoy, people to add to my life, and wonderful things I have never seen or done. Just get through a day at a time, look for happiness, relish the little things, and appreciate what I have.

March 28, 2010

Sunday morning. It's cold outside. According to the forcast, it's supposed to get almost up to 60, but I can't imagine that at this point.

I must be doing something wrong with these exercises. My right leg hurts so badly this morning. I'm sure it must be something I am doing wrong, but what? I'm not trying them this morning. This afternoon, I may be braver.

Don't know where Julie and I are going fo lunch today. I'll call her right after Bible study.

I really did enjoy being at Lorraine's yesterday. We Red Hat friends chatted for a long time. I do feel sorry for Mary. It is hard enough to lose her husband without the family giving her such a hard time. End of life is never easy.

I did buy something at Lorraine's yesterday. I spent $30 on earrings for Jerrie for her birthday. I hope I don't lose these things before October.

I should not be looking at my surroundings. This area is so dusty and has so many cobwebs. It's especially bad when the sun shines on things. But, I do need the sun.

The pain in my leg is distracting me. This is not fun. But, I am working at correcting my back problem, at least I'm trying. That should count for something. Perhaps this is part of the meaning of "no pain, no gain". Well, I feel the pain.

I can't believe that next Sunday is Easter. That came much too quickly for my sensitivities. I'm just beginning to feel Spring, but not quite into remember my Easter dresses, shoes, and Spring wardrobe feel. That was so long ago. I haven't even thought "Easter dress" for many, many years.

I need to move. I'm feeling very sleepy. Get make-up and shoes on, and keep moving.

Sunday's paper has lost it's glow too. Why is that?

March 27, 2010

Where has this month gone? In fact, where has the time gone? I can't believe we are almost 4 months into this year already. Is it because I am busy and happy, or just to engrossed in my daily life rituals to notice little things? Am I taking time in my day to "smell the roses?" Some days seem so long and oppressive, and others seem much too short and seem to go unappreciated. At my age, I should be appreciating each and every day. They are limited!

The therapy exercises I do at home, on my own are accomplished because I know how important they are in the over-all picture, and though they are painful in the process, I feel and realize their potential benefits. I also realize that if I don't do them, I will not progress towards feeling better. And feeling better, much better, is my ultimate goal. I have to maintain the tenacity to accomplish these goals. It will be a real blessing in the long run. Will my body and mind eventually be at the same level? The hope includes the theory that my mind will not deteriorate at a greater rate than my body can attain more strength. So, it's kind of a two-fold process.

It's not that I intend to live forever, or even longer than is reasonable, but while I am alive, I want my body and mind to respond to the necessary requirements to keep me functional and appreciative of what I have and what I can do with life. Just existing is not my goal in life. Giving and recieving, the best I can, is the basic goal.

I want to write a few more letters today. I would also like to reward myself by just reading and relaxing. I have several hours before I need to leave here to go to Lorraine's party. I don't intend to buy any jewelry, but I owe it to myself to dress, and get out of here today, and mingle with poeple, and feel life.

After leaving Lorraine's I want to go to Wal-Mart to buy the vitamins I want and need. Then the rest of the evening is mine. Why am I looking forward to that so much. It should be the other way around. I should be happy to be getting out, mingling, and enjoying company. Why am I so reticent? Am I worried about the pain I may be feeling, or about my difficulty with mingling? Or maybe both. Live for the moment Diane, don't anticipate the unknown. There is more joy that way.

Before I sat down at the compter, I picked up my Gregory bear and squeezed his hand. Heaing my little Gregory's voice brought tears to my eyes. Goodness , I love him so!

Now, I just need to tune myself into the proper spirit, and I can write my letters. Think happy!!

March 26, 2010

I didn't get to my gratitude journal last night. I may miss it sometimes. Not that I am not grateful for some things, I'm just to tired to open this up, and do the work.

In a few minutes I am on my way to TOSH to get in the pool and do something benefial for my back. I'm a little nervous about a new experience, but after the initial opening, I'll be fine. I just don't feel that alive and alert this morning. I slept in longer than I really wanted to, and have felt edgy ever since. Why the nerves? I did my exercises twice yesterday, and was happy that I did, and felt better after I had done them. But, I guess the concept of free days being gone, is really what is upsetting me. I was in a rut, and unfortunately, I was comfortable there. This disrupts my daily nothingness, and I don't quite know how to handle it.

I really felt loved and appreciated yesterday by Gregory. He brought a friend home from school with him, but he was kind of torn about me being there as well. He chose to spend some time with me playing a board game, and it was fun, although shorter than it would have been otherwise. But, it did mean that he loves me, and wanted to give me some of his time. That is very special to me.

I began writing my monthly letters yesterday, but my heart was really not in it. I don't know what is the matter with my attitude and spirit the last couple of days. I feel insecure and lonely. That is not like me. And it puzzles me. Maybe it is just the newness of physical therapy, and new routines. But I should be more mentally adjusted than that. Maybe when I fit into the groove, things will feel normal and happy again. I am not good with change, never have been.

A few minutes ago it was snowing. But I am seeing sunshine coming in the window. I need the sunshine, and some positive feelings today. I'll begin now looking for positive things around me. I'm sure they are there, I'm just lost inside to feel and see them. Perk up Diane.

March 25, 2010

I woke up this morning at 5:30 A.M. with my left arm in severe pain. But it was too early to get up, so, by some miracle, I got back to sleep, and didn't wake up until a little after 7. Left arm still ached a little, but was better. Why does my body insist on aching somewhere so that a good night's sleep alludes me?

So, although I have been up and accomplished a few things, I still kind of feel disconnected. Is this considered mental stress or anguish?

One monthly letter has been written and printed. Painful exercies have been done, once today. I mindlessly went through e-mail and scanned through Face Book. I have consumed a small yogurt, and that is breakfast. I forced it down because I thought I would want to take pain relievers, but that doesn't seem necessary now. That's a plus.

When I got out of physical therapy yesterday, came home and took a pain pill, and rested for awhile, I felt really up, and wanted to restructure my life to the positive, right that very second. That little fire has gone out, and at this point, I am just slogging from one thing to the next. Where did that over-powering feeling of yesterday go? Must have been the effects of the pain pill. Perhaps that is why druggies love those pills. But I want to still have faith in the effects of the cortisone injection, and the exercises. I don't want to rely on the pain pills to get me through the bad times. I should be stronger than that. However, if I run out of these things, I will call Brad Davis and request more pain pills, and inquire about the arthritis pills that Karen mentioned the other day. I am not terribly Stoic.

In a couple of hours I want to be out of here and getting things done on my way to Mar and Jer's to do laundry. I want to cash those two little, tiny checks, and pick up the vitamins I need from a drug store on the way over there.

I do want to finish the Charlotte book today. It's good, but I want to be reading something that moves faster and keeps me fully engrossed. I keep getting discouraged by the Victorian ideology .However, Charlotte Bronte was an interesting person.

I am again having mixed feeling about going to physical therapy tomorrow. But, new things always unsettle me a little. I am looking forward to being in the pool, and feeling something positive happen. I may feel the need, if this lasts very long, to purchase a new swim suit. I probably need one anyway.

I am picturing Gregory's face in my mind, and am anxious to see him today. What a ray of sunshine in my life!! Love you Gregory!

March 25, 2010

I woke up this morning at 5:30 A.M. with a severe left arm in pain. But, it was only 5:30, and no reason to get up, so although I didn't think I could do it, I went back to sleep until a little after 7. However, the arm ache was much diminished. Now, although I have accomplished a few things, I still feel like I'm not quite connected. Is that mental stress and anguish?

March 24, 2010

I've been home from physical therapy for almost three hours, and finally, after a little breakfast, a pain pill, and laying on the massager pad, I am feeling better. But, again, I am happy that someone who knows what to do about my pain, knows what I am feeling , and understands what I need, is helping me. Aaron is my therapist, and he is very gentle, and helpful, and answered some of my questions to give me a better idea of what I am feeling, doing, and expecting. He sent me away with four exercises to do on my own. Next time, Friday morning, I will go directly to the pool and begin working with someone who will direct me through exercises in the pool. I am so looking forward to that!

While I was there this morning, I was talking to a woman who was just going, independently from machine to machine, and working out . I talked to her for a few minutes and found out that she is in the "maintenance" program offered by TOSH . For $150 for a 6 month period she can go to the center and use the equipment to keep herself tuned up. She has been doing it for a few years. She is 75 years old, and looks and feels great. I have to find out more about this by the time I am through with this physical therapy treatment session. It makes logical sense to maintain the tone and use of the muscles in the body for a long as possible. I deserve that.

Also, as soon as it is physically possible for me to really walk, I am going to force myself to walk at least 5 times a week, and make it a " happy habit". Having my body deteriorate , while I am still tryin to live my life , is just making me very unhappy. Why have I waited so long to try to correct my past physical needs situation. I have so much work to do, and I have put it off for so long. Wouldn't it be nice to repair some damage, and make myself feel better and better every day , so that while my mind enjoys the thought of really living life, my body can join the fun, and really, really, live and experience LIFE? I tend to give up when things get uncomfortable, or sound or feel like too much work. But , that doesn't accomplish my higher goals. Thus, I am defeating my own objectives. Life is made up of choices, and I can't let neglect of things like this keep me from reaching some loftier goals. Do I need to pep talk myself every day of my life? I guess if it helps to get me there I need self pep talks, daily affirmations, and self-congratulations when even little goals are met.

I was so proud of myself last night when I got back my quiz on Daoism, and read 100%!!!! Each test I got back last night had a higher score than the one before it. That is a real feel good pat on the back for achieving these things. Right now, I feel so powerful. I just need to maintain that feeling 24/7, and that is so difficult for me to do. There are so many moments I feel "down" and move farther in that direction.

The pain pill I took an hour ago has made me feel so much better, and more relaxed. I think I will try to accomplish something positive today. Don't know what yet, but maybe I'll define it and accomplish it,when it hits me. KEEP THINKING POSITIVE, DIANE!!!!!

March 23, 2010

I just don't know. Am I in less pain now than I was last week at this time? I suppose I am, but I still hurt. I guess cortisone doesn't take away all the pain. Acutally, I do feel better than I did last week at this time, but that doesn't discount the fact that I do still hurt, and it is still hard to walk, and move . Probably , some of this is arthritus, but, that doesn't make me too happy either. Does this simply mean that I will never be pain free? I guess only time and endurance will tell.

Okay, I watched Dancing With the Stars last night. It was good, and I can see where the interest will peak as I get more and more into it. There are some stars I really want to get recognition, and others I really don't care about. Perhaps that is the function of the program. I felt sorry for Buzz Aldrin last night. After all, the man is 80 years old. How much can an old, well-used body take?

In an hour from now I will be meeting Karen for lunch at Jason's Deli. I do look forward to this time with Karen. We can talk to each other as soul mates, and it makes me feel so good to be with her.

Health Care Bill? I don't really care one way or another. Unless it affects me or my lifestyle, I can live with it. Sure there are flaws, but we are a very large country with diversified people, how can we expect to please all the people all the time? I'm sure, over time I will feel negative results from the action, but I see nothing I personally can do about it. I do see flaws in the structure of this government, but I doubt if there are any real solutions to the problems. The thing is, we all need to give and take to make a system work, and some are more willing to give than others. It is basically human nature. You can't legislate morality, or honesty, or integrity. But, you shouldn't have to. People should be willing to share, and give and take, and keep unity of nation in mind. My over-all worry is " what is going to happen to me, when I get old, and helpless, who will lovingly take care of me."

Tonight, I deliver my Daoism paper to class, and hope I study enough to get through the quiz without much difficulty. I have basically stopped reading the text. Maybe I should at least scan the chapters as we get there. But, they are so concise, and it is basically hard to stay awake and read them.

I am a little nervous about going to physical therapy tomorrow. I hope things don't hurt to the point that I can't do something progressive for my back. Well, I'll deal with that tomorrow.

I'm almost through with "Charlotte Bronte" . Then I'll just find a paper back book I have here, and read until I get another good book from my library choices. As long as I have a book at hand, I am satisfied.

March 22, 2010

Since, for some odd reason, I have two blog spots, it dawned on me last night, that I can use the other blog spot as my gratitude journal. Thus, I began it last night. If, I can regain the habit of recording my blessings at the end of the day, then it should remain an on-going site.

But, this spot will remain the site where I just flourish space with flowing thoughts of each day.

As I lay in bed last night, in total relaxation and comfort, I ran through my mind things I wanted to do on this "free" day. Mostly it concern the cleaning up of my living environment. Now that the morning has arrived, and I am dressed, the feelings I had last night about doing some serious cleaning and organizing are not glowing as brightly. My back and arms ache this morning. However, down deep inside, I keep assuring myself, that if I move, and keep moving, I will feel better. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. After all, no one else controls my living space, and if I want it improved, and happier, I am the one designated to preform said changes. Thus, when I finish here, I will move, and clean something. I don't have to do it all in one day. It certainly took more than one day to create this situation. But there are definite areas in this apartment that are not letting me relax and enjoy my immediate surroundings. So, it must be done if I am to be happier. Because right now, I am living in a littered state of mind.

I spend a considerable amount of time this morning on the County Library site, and put holds on 4 books which have a long list of holds. But with my luck, they will all be available for pick-up the same week, then I will have to choose which ones I really want to read first. Thus goes my life.

I keep telling myself that I feel so much better since my coritsone injection, but I still feel pain. However, I am quite sure that a lot of this pain is arthritus, and has little to do with the back condition . It is also discomforting to wake up in the mornings with my left arm aching all the way to my fingers. I must sleep in a weird position, but this has been happening for the past month, and I am beginning to think that my body hates me. It probably has a right to do so, since I don't always treat it kindly. After I see a physical therapist on Wed. I will ask him about the benefits of walking, and then, I will , with mixed feelings begin to do so.

I keep going to bed each night sometime between 8:30 and 9:00 P.M. It's not that I plan to sleep at that time, I've just had all the T.V. I can stand. I seldom go to sleep before 10:30 or 11:00, and usually wake up around 6 or 6:30, so my sleep pattern is pretty regulated. There is a plus. But, bed time has become my favorite time of any day. It means I don't expect anything else of myself for that given day, and as I review the day, I usually feel satisfied with what the day has brought me, and vise versa.

I guess, later today, I will go to the bank and cash those two tiny checks that the U.S. Treasury sent me. It's hardly worth the effort, but a dollar is a dollar.

I have a new kitchen clock. It is surrounded by a silve frame, and is not what I had pictured in my mind as I went out to buy it. But, it looks more comfortable there every minute, and it runs with reliability, and it serves it's function. I had really missed a kitchen clock.

I confirmed a suspicion this morning. Water frozen in a plastic bottle , distorts the plastic bottle, and causes it to spill. I wonder how long I will remember that!

This week has days in it that I am really looking forward to with happiness. Tomorrow I am having lunch with Karen. Happy, happy, happy thought! Also on Tuesday, I will joyfully turn in my paper on Daoism. Wednesday I will face physical therapy, (maintain positive attitutude), Thursday is my laundry day, I get to see Gregory. Also during this week I will be writing my monthly letters to my friends. That means, maintain positive attitude and happy thoughts as I write.

So, at this juncture, I will prepare myself mentally to unclutter, clean, and organize at least one tiny area of my living space, and my life. Maybe, I will even reward myself by doing some scrap booking before the day is over. It's a sunny day, life is good!

March 21, 2010

Yeah!!!! I got my Daoism paper written, and printed up. No more stress about that issue. It is not as glorious as I had hoped it would be, but, it does fill the requirement, and that is what is the most pressing issue. I used to write great papers when I was going to U. of U. , but I seem to have lost the knack. Perhaps the passion of writing is not as hot as I thought it was, or the subject matter was not a stirring, but something was missing from this paper. Of course, if I knew what it was, I would still have time to create it.

My back and leg are feeling better. That is so wonderful to me. I can't believe that an injection of some sort can actually take away the intense pain I was feeling for so long. I am blessed.

This afternoon is unusually free. I may decide to go do a little grocery shopping, or at least purchase a new kitchen clock. I do miss the one that quit running. I still wonder why it quit. It worked fine until I changed the time. What happened to the inside mechanism that caused this thing to stick on it's way to the top of the clock? A new battery should not have stopped it. It wants to run, but the second hand is stuck. I'm still part of the old days where you used to try to fix things instead of just replace them.

I am so looking forward to lunch with Karen on Tuesday. It seems like forever since I have had a chance to talk to her. She always brightens my life and makes me feel like a great person. She just has a built-in knack for doing that. But she does that with everyone.

I would like to really clean this apartment. It has been so long since this place has really had a good cleaning. But, my back and leg are feeling better, and my ambition is up. I just have to remember to pace myself. I don't have to do it all in a day. It can take me all week if it must. But, it would do my heart and soul a great deal of good to see things in here shine and glow, and be happy they were touched and cleaned.

I am so happy about my bath mat. Why did I wait so long to get something which eases my mind so much? I finally feel safe in the shower. I am certainly worth the cost and the effort to find this thing. I guess I kept looking for those frog things, yet not frogs. The frogs belong to my grandson.

Spring is coming!!!! I can actually feel it in my body and soul. Soon I will see daffodils, and forsythia, and tulips, and green leafy buds on trees, then blossoms. Spring comes so quickly, and vanishes at the same rate. I would like to take opportunities this year to sit in the Spring air monents and really take in the feel of the season. It is my favorite seaon of the year. It renews my faith in life . If the earth can re-new itself every year, I should be able to do the same. Maybe, after a few sessions of physical therapy, I will be ready to make walking a newly formed habit again. I used to love to walk. I want to re-new that enthusiasm for it again. That is so good for my body and soul too. Like Spring. New beginnings, fresh hope, higher goals, more gratitude!! After all, if I'm not good to me, who will be?

March 20, 2010

Saturday morning. I slept in a little, and am feeling less pain than I did yesterday at this time. Joy!! I am feeling encouraged by the lack of pain. Yet, I am still skeptical. It is the doubt that is bothering me the most. Why can't I just take what I have at the moment, and be thankful for it? Why am I waiting for the other shoe to drop? There should be no questioning of what is, simply happiness in the fact that at this time, on this day, I am feeling so much better. I deserve this! To throw that in as a question creates a lack of faith, and faith in being loved is what I am searching for in life. Thus, relish the moment. If I were a true Daoist, that is exactly what I would do. If I were really a firm believer in a Father in Heaven who loves me, I would have no doubt. Where do these fears and doubts come from? And why can't I over-come them?

Today is a totally free day. If it remains so, or gets complicated, is totally my choice. My main objective today is to finish writing my class paper to hand in on Tuesday evening. So far, I am not that totally thrilled with it, although it isn't bad. It just isn't wonderful. But I am only 4 pages into it, so I still have the opportunity to create something I feel really good about, and today, that is my goal. I have the whole day today, and most of tomorrow, and Monday and Tuesday to accomplish this goal. I just need to get past the mind set that I need a lot of references, and foot notes, and facts. I need at this point to interject my own personal thoughts and feelings on this subject. That was my original idea when I began this project.

My thoughts keep jumping from one thing to the next with hardly a space between them. Wouldn't it be nice today, if I could just flow with the moment, and not worry about what may or may not happen later in the day? There is a possibility with this day and every day, that it can be fully enjoyed and appreciated for what it is, or isn't. " Attitude is a choice".

I have so much go be thankful for, and it would make my life much happier, if I would focus on those things rather than allow doubt and fear to enter my mind. I have a wonderful place to live. It is me. I have a car that I totally own, and that runs well. I have food in the fridg and cupboards, I have clothes to wear, with choices. I have many friends. I have a beautiful daughter who loves and cares for me. I have a grandson who loves me, no matter what. I have enough monetary resourses to get me through from month to month. I have hobbies, and interests, and the blessing of eyesight, and hearing. I can walk and move around as I choose. I have books to read that are my choices. I have a healthy mind and soul. I see opportunities for choices all around me. I have comfort in my soft places which soothe my mind and soul. I am blessed by a much Higher Power than the materialism of the world.

After I left the Spinal Institute yesterday, I was so filled with wonder at modern medicine. The degree of pain I felt when I went into that building a little before 10 A.M. was gone when I walked out of there a little before 11 A.M. How powerful is that? My mother would have benefited so much from that treatment. Her back hurt all the time too. I do live in a great time. This time period in history has so many social problems, and most of the time I really wish I had been born a hundred years earlier so that life would have been simplier. But, I guess we have to give up one thing to have another. In this computerized age, life is anything but simple, but it many ways it is so much better. However, technologically, I am so far behind in understanding that I don't fit in to all the moderization, or the value system which has created today society. I still try to visualize a social system based on love, caring, empathy, trust, gratitude, humility, faith, and family togetherness. Today's generation has no understand of those things. Sure it's old-fashioned, but is it wrong? Is it possible at all to have the best of two worlds? It's only speculation.

March 19, 2010

Well, I started a message in here a couple of hours ago, but then I took a nap. Can't find my draft. Oh well. I needed an nap, and until I had it, I couldn't continue. But, I'm back, and perhaps what I left here earlier is lost. But I must record my day.

I had a cortisone injection this morning, and I immediately felt better. That was phenomenal! All logic says things should not be cleared up that easily. I was informed however, as I left that part of what I was feeling was the numbness, and that after it wore off I would feel the normal pain I felt before. It will take two or three days for the effect of the injection to take affect. But, still, that's super. As soon as I got home, I made an appointment with TOSH to begin physical therapy. So, I have an appointment next Wednesday morning at 9:00 A.M. That will leave the rest of my day free. I must promise myself to really work on this therapy. I know what not working on therapy can do to you. My right arm is the result.

I was surprised to see Gregory this morning. He apparently didn't feel well when he woke up this morning and didn't go to school. But, I was happy to see him. He added that much more joy to my day.

I felt a little uncomfortable about Jeremy going back into my apartment to find his wallet. I don't think any pills are missing, but I really don't know. It's just a feeling of not being able to trust him around drugs. That makes me feel sad. I did check the bottle when I got back home, but, I couldn't tell. Still, the fact that I faced that issue bothers me. I trust everyone, except perhaps my own son-in-law. But, that is not my fault.

Last night I put some veggies in the oven to roast. But when they were about done, I wasn't in the mood to eat them. So, they are back in the oven, and in a few minutes I will have them for lunch, or at least part of them. Do I want to grate cheese on them? Of course I do! Then I will read for awhile. Later, I will work on a segment of my paper. I do want to get a start on it today, before the day is over.

Now that I have had the cortisone, I am going to have faith in miracles. I truly beleive that my back is bad for a reason, and I just need to learn the lesson, and believe that my life will once again feel like it is worth living, and doing it with more purpose. It's hard to think of living a purposeful life when you are in so much pain, but, I now have to help myself get rid of the cause of the intense pain, and I can do this. Faith to the point of surrender does not mean I can become lazy. This will require some sincere dedication on my part.

March 18, 2010

Yahoo!!!!! Finally, someone really listened to me, heard my complaints, saw my MRI, and understands me. I'm sure was just doing his job, and he was doing it well, but I felt heard, and understood, and valued yesterday, as I haven't for a long, long, time. And finally, after two months delay, I am going in tomorrow to get a cortisone injection to stop this terrible mind controling pain. Maybe because of that, I feel so good this morning. I still hurt, and still don't want to make any unneccessary moves, but, emotionally, I am feeling unstoppable.

I've already changed my bed, and fully made it, made out a bill, done the crossword, taken a shower, and hung up coats, and a few other little things. The only thing I am dreading is taking out the garbage, and taking to clothes out to the car. But, after I do all that, I will take half a pain pill, and feel better about who I am.

Lunch with Red Hatters at Asian Star today. Sure, it will be fairly expensive, but today, I am celebrating. I deserve this. Maybe, after lunch I will go to Wal-Mart to look for the tub suction things. I do really want them. Just not frogs.

After I get home tomorrow, I will put all my efforts into my paper, and continue to do so the rest of the day, and all day Saturday, and use what is left of Sunday to finish this thing. I do want to get this done, and I want it to be good. So, work to accomplish it , to my satisfaction is required. I want to give it my all.

I will enjoy Gregory this afternoon while I do my laundry. I will read before he gets there, and enjoy him totally when he gets home from school. He is such a treasure. I should have taken pictures of the cookie making experience the other day. I have a little calendar page that would fit right into those pictures. I'll do it in April.

Next week looks pretty uncluttered to me, so far. I love that. Maybe I should call Karen, and see if we can go out for lunch, or at least get together. I really love my time with Karen. We live in the same city, why can't we find the time to get together whenever we want to? We simply complicate our lives beyond reason.

At this point, I am simply praying that the cortisone injection lasts a long time, and that while it is working, the back will begin to repair itself. Is that asking too much? I need to create more real , unconditional , surrendering faith. I am so weak in this area. Deep in my soul I usually expect the worse, and as "The Secret" proclaims, that is what I get. I really, really need faith, to the point of surrender!!! Why am I so sure that I am being tested beyond my ability to cope?

March 17, 2010

Finally, the day has come!!!! I get to talk to a doctor about my back, face to face. It's been almost two months since I had the MRI and I am so ready to have someone tell me there is a solution to this terrible, miserable pain. The most important thing I want out of this appointment, is some answers and solutions to the constant pain. My first thought is, I want a cortisone injection to ease the pain. Actually, I want everything to return to what it was two years ago, or even before I broke my arm. I would like to move normally, walk, get up, sit down, get dressed, just move, with out the pain. I am thankful though for the pain pills, it was worse without them.

First thing on my schedule today though is a mammogram. But , that is so simple and easy it's just a little blink in my day's activities.

I will finish Mercy today. Before this day is over, I will be into the book club book. I hope it grabs me, and won't let me go. I need that in my life right now.

It is an absolute must that I finish writing my Religion paper this week-end. I would like to think I can get it done by Saturday night.

Gregory and I made cookies yesterday. They are not pretty when we get finished, and his attention span is shorter than the experience really calls for. But, it is our time together that is important. He is such a joy. His hand print cookie came out perfect, and I was thrilled about that. But, more importantly, I felt his love and care for me. I cherished his kisses, and "ate him up with my eyes and heart" I stayed just love enough to see my darling daughter for 5 minutes, then I left them to enjoy each other for the rest of the evening. I love my tiny family.

March 16, 2010

Sometimes little things in life become a mystery. Like my kitchen clock. I've had this clock for a long time. I really like it. It is round with a yellow border, and is a smiley face. I think I bought it at a yard sale one day for less than $5. When I changed the time Saturday night, I set this clock , and others, and went to bed. The next morning, the smiley face clock was basically stopped. So, I assumed it needed a new battery. Went out and bought batteries that were the same as the one I took out of it, and re-set it. Now, I assume the reliable little smiley face will do it's job. Not so. So, I turned the battery around, and it started moving the second hand . I set it again. Checked it an hour later, and the second hand was stuck on 10. So, I again removed it from the wall, pushed the battery around a little, and set the clock again. It is still not working. Why does a clock suddenly decide to quit working? Have I upset it, or confused it, or hurt it's feelings? So, I guess I'm in the market for a new kitchen clock. But, I loved this clock because it was yellow and matches my kitchen, and is a smiley face. Should I spent days and weeks searching for a clock that is all that this one is? Will I find a reasonably priced kitchen clock I like as well? Or should I get over it, and just get used to relying on the microwave clock.? Maybe, I need to just accept the loss, get over it, and move on. Besides, my contact paper has fallen off the dining room wall. Is my apartment losing it's spirit and enthusiasm? Or is it just me? Or maybe it's just the way it is and doesn't need to be dwelled on too deeply.

Now that I am finally showered and dressed, I am ready to meet the rest of the day, head on. I will go the the store and buy cookie mix and frosting, and then go to the library to pick up the book club book. This is a last minute retrieval. But, I do still have three weeks to read the book, and reflect on it, and study question 12 in the back of the book. However, I am going to finish Mercy first. It shouldn't take long.

So, as I venture out during the next few days, I will be on the look-out for a cute, low-cost, kitchen clock to replace my smiley face. Why is this clock so difficult to say good-bye to? Do I have hidden memories of James and this clock? Maybe.

I loved my time with Gregory yesterday. We went to McDonald's playplace and had a great time. When we first got there, there were no children, and he ate most of his cheeseburger. Soon, a couple of children showed up, and he was off and running, and having a great time. We laughed and joked, and shared conversation, and I cherished every minute with him. It was even difficult to read, because I just wanted to absorb every second as I ate him up with my eyes and feelings of love. He is such a blessing in my life. He is about the only part of my life that makes complete sense to me. I love his enthusiasm, and joy, and free spirit. I am so happy he is who and what he is, and that he and I are part of each other. He is an inspiration to me to keep trying, keeping enduring, keep learning, keep giving. Thank you Gregory for being you!

March 15, 2010

Well, I did it. I got myself out of bed when the alarm went off this morning at 4:20 A.M. and got myself together and got to Julie's at the designated time. As I went to bed last night, I wondered if I could make it. We even got there early. I did all the things I wanted to do while she was with the doctor, and felt quite relaxed. As an added bonus, we stopped at Virg's for breakfast on the way home. Strawberry waffle. So good!

Now that I am home, and have called the spine institute, and know where I am going Wednesday, I can hit the bed, and read or sleep for at least two hours. It is going to feel so good to hit that bed.

I am going to pick up Gregory from school today, so that Jer can go to a movie. I think I will suggest that Gregory and I go to McDonald's playland, and spend an hour or two. That way, I can watch and love him, and read. I'll bet I'm in bed by 8 P.M. tonight. But that's good. Tomorrow I go to the library, and to the grocery store to get cookie mix and frosting, and spend later afternoon with Gregory, as we make cookies. I am certain that ,at his request, we will make hand prints. Bless his heart is such a fun experience.

It's nap time.

March 14, 2010

Snow. It's sitting all around me. And it's cold. Feels like Winter, but we have been promised, via the weather forcasts, that it is going to warm up. Spring is coming! I have to believe that, it's my salvation.

Yesterday was fun. There were only 4 of us at the movie, but , it was a great movie, and we were all happy that we saw it, and saw it together. Judy, Julie, Norma, and I. These are women I love. Charm joined us at Iggy's for late lunch. We did have fun together.

Okay, so Julie's appointment is for 6:30 tomorrow morning. But, it isn't a problem to find. Forty-first south and Bangerter is not a problem. I am already into the time change, I think, and getting up very early tomorrow morning will be a one time thing. I can always come home and sleep, which is probably what I will do. I just want to be sure I get her there on time, and in safety. I can do this.

After Bible study today, and perhaps after lunch, I will totally organize my thoughts on Daoism, on paper, then begin typing the paper up. There is so much I want to say, and I want to say it like I really care about it. Just needs mental evaluation.

This week, I am especially looking forward to Tuesday, and making cookies with Gregory, and going to the library to get the book club book. I will be very happy to have Wed. over with. I am looking forward to Thursdays lunch with Red Hatters at Asian Star. Never been there. I know it is expensive, but, I'm set.

I wish my hanging contact paper didn't bother me so. I should just bravely tear it down, and then think of a way to get a new piece up there. Need to change the batteries in the kitchen clock too. Just need to check to see what size they are, and if I have some on hand.

Grocery list: T paper, paper napkins, maybe little batteries.

The Sunday paper is becoming disappointing. I can read the whole thing, and the ads in less than an hour. That either means the paper is giving me less, or I am caring less about the content. I remember years ago, spending hours reading the Sunday paper. Maybe next week, I will try to find more in each section, and perhaps read the comics as well. I guess I keep looking for something in there that relates directly to my life, and it isn't usually there. Don't know what it is I am looking for though. I guess I would know if I saw it. I took half a pain pill with my regular pills, and beginning to mellow out a little. Given a choice, I would go back to bed, and read until I fall asleep. But, that sounds like a little depression, and although I know I am a little depressed, I need to continue to work my way out of it. A little sunshine would help though. Okay , Diane, think happy thoughts. I want to see Gregory today. I want his arms around me, and to hear his voice.

I really liked Blind Side. It was a good, good, movie. Sandra Bullock did a great job.

Go out there now , and face the world and smile.

March 13, 2010

My little group for my planned activity keeps getting smaller instead of bigger. But, it's okay. It isn't the number that counts, it's the fun we will have. And I really believe that more will show up for lunch at Iggy's.

In the meantime, it's cloudy and windy, and probably going to rain or snow before noon. But we will be mainly inside, and fine. I am anxious to see this movie. I've wanted to see it since I first saw the trailer. Sandra Bullock is good. And apparently, as a blond , she is great. She did win the award.

I am doing better on my paper, but still have to formulate a definite plan, instead of just writing as I think of it. I guess, the logical step is to create an outline of precisely what I want in this paper, and flow from that point. Right now, I think I am getting ahead of myself, and it is frustrating me.

I did quite a bit yesterday. Papers, plastics, and garbage are out, and I feel a little more organized about life. I even washed the dishes, AND PUT THEM AWAY, the same day. It was a determination moment if ever there was one.

Sometimes, when I really think about it, I DO feel loved. I recieve e-mail from friends every day. I get letters from my monthly letter friends, I talk to people in public and they respond warmly, I know my daugter and grandson love me. I also appreciate the "life" messages I get from Helen every so often. It is so nice to know that I am in the thoughts of people I love and appreciate and admire. And I do appreciate my own self worth. I do have value.

I'm liking the book I am reading. It is getting more and more entangled in emotion with every page.

I haven't taken even half a pain pill this morning, but I am seriously thinking about doing that soon, to avoid the pain that I will suffer when I get to the movie. I don't want to focus on the pain, but on the association with friends, fully enjoy the movie, eat sensibly at lunch, and feel the satisfaction of a good day. The object of this day, as it should be every day, is to appreciate fully each moment. That is the ONLY way to live life, and do it well. There are so many moments of each day that just kind of slip away while we do ordinary things. Everyone misses them, except perhaps people like Morrie, or anyone who has come close to death, and realizes the wonders and blessings of a life well-lived.

I think it's my choice for lunch choice tomorrow. I still like Virg's and the menu has things I haven't tried yet.

My thoughts still keep slipping back to Daoism, and all the great things that could be said about it. But, somewhere in this paper , I need to at least make a point, and I'm not getting there yet. There are too many of the virtues that can be discussed. Got to pick just a few, and create something really awesome. Awesome? Daoism is awesome!

March 12, 2010

It's not even time to change the clocks yet, and I have already messed up my sleep pattern. It may be a rough week or two now. Yesterday, when I got home from Cricut class, lunch, and a couple of quick errands, I layed on the bed, turned on the massger, and closed my eyes. I didn't even open the book I had brought along. I slept for almost two hours. Last night, I took my pain pill a little before 9, and was in bed by 9:30. I read and read, and read, and felt awake and wanted to do things. I didn't get to sleep until after 11. So, I slept in until a little after 7 this morning. I never know. Tomorrow night, I must take an hour off the clock. So, I will set the alarm for Sunday morning, and hate it when it goes off. I guess like is about adjustments, and how we deal with them. So, I need to stop fussing, and again adapt to life's situations.

While I was so awake last night, I sat here and made a list of things I wanted to accomplish today. So far, I haven't done anything on the list, and the day is beginning to slip away. I almost want to go back to bed, and let the day adjust around me. The thing I want to do most today is work on my paper. I want to get a really good start on this so that I can get some real enthusiasm pumping, and get it under my control. Right now my thoughts are still scattered. Hopefully, before this week-end is over, I'll have this project under my control.

I'm not even showered or dressed yet. And I know that I will do nothing until I get that far. But, I still feel achy, and my stomach feels pressure, and I could easily close my eyes and drift away. However, I know that if I push myself to do the things I really want to do, I will feel better about myself, and life in general, I think.

I wish I could think of something wonderful that I want to do today, maybe then I will accomplish the necessary things, and allow myself the fun things. But, it's all a matter of perspective. Enjoying anything is a state of mind. So, why can't I enjoy the thought of carrying these newspapers and plastics out to the recyle bin, and love the fact that I take the garbage out? Maybe my mind is just not that active yet. Because, even working up that kind of positive attitude sounds like work. Oh well.

March 11, 2010

Today is the last Cricut class. I have mixed feelings. I will miss learning how to use the machine, but I will not miss lugging the things to and fro. I like Jennifer. She is bright and cheery and full of fun, and really knows how to teach this class. When I first walked into the class, I was quite sure I'd never be able to figure out how to make this machine do things that are useful and fun. But Jennifer proved me wrong. Thank you Jennifer. Now, I kind of wish I could take the class again, but my own wisdom tells me that the best thing I can do is just keep practicing on my own, and invest in more, fun cartriges. And use the machine more. It can do so many things.

My mind is flooded right now with Daoism. I am trying to write a really good paper on the subject, but I keep getting hung up on the logistics of using the word processor. But, I really believe that I can master this also. Plus, I want to make this paper cover as much ground as it can, and yet keep it cohesive, and sounding like I really know what I am talking about. Most of what I want to put in here comes from Dr. Wayne Dyer. He has two books that cover the subject so well, and his words, as usual are magical. So, I will probably use his books alot throughout this whole paper. And why not, if it's good, it's good! I keep thinking of the uncarved block, and wishing I could clear my mind, and live in that attitude. How much simplier life would be. How free the spirit would flow. But, as usual, I can't quiet the mind that much or feel that deeply. Once in awhile I sometimes feel things so deeply that I experience an " Aha " moment. But before I can pick it up fully, or fully appreciate it, it's gone. I long to hold on to those moments. The joy I feel in that split second is overwhelming, and glorious. But, I guess fear takes hold, and the fleeting moment is gone. If I get this paper written the way I feel it, I will make a couple of copies. Because I will probably never see the one I hand in for class.

Physically, right now, I am feeling pretty good. That "lesser" pain pill does the trick every time. It's too bad, I can't feel this good without the pill. But, maybe soon.

Love my Gregory!!!! I love the way he entertained me yesterday by showing me his homework and sharing it with me. He is so thoughtful and sensitive to my personal needs. I so miss seeing him every day. He grows so quickly. I still can't believe that he is six years old now. But, as I look back over those seven years, I realize that I too have grown, and thankfully, he is a big reason I have grown the way I have. Thank you Gregory for being Gregory. I love you.

March 10, 2010

It's Wednesday. Generally known in the working world as "hump day" . By noon today, the day peaks and begins it's downward descent to the end of the week. I generally don't have "hump days" in my weeks. Most weeks are much the same. And usually, that's okay with me. I am quite sure I would be very bored or at least distressed if my days and weeks were all the same , with nothing to break a cycle of "everydayness". I'm quite sure I just coined a word of my own making right there. But, "everydayness" is a little more discriptive than "rut".

I really don't like mornings when I wake up in more pain than I went to bed with the night before. But, I truly believe that this was such a morning. Apparently, sleeping on my left side is not approved of by my left arm. Because, it ached as soon as I was aware of it this morning. It almost hurt more than the leg and back. You would think I would be getting used to pain in various parts of my body, but, new pains, added to old, even familiar ones, distress me. I don't even remember what it felt like to awake in the morning, eager to get out of bed, and begin a new day. Now, I just want to lay there and suffer a little while longer.

But the day is good. My SS check is in my bank account, and I have a comfortable sum in my account for the rest of the month. Unless, of course, some unexpected or unwelcome event occurs to take that away. Now I sound like Eeyore.

My religion paper is beginning to bother me. I thought I have a great idea going when I chose Daoism, and I still think I do, but I can't seem to get it on paper in organized and intellectual form. Plus, I am worried about the logistics of actually getting this processed through the word processor. I want italics, and placement for foot notes, and single spacing in certain places, and the best rules for doing the bibligography. I have forgotten how to do that. However, I'm quite sure that I have enough books in this house to get me through these processes. I think the best thing I can do now, is just write it up in whatever form I feel it, then with those things on paper, re-process the whole paper to make it what I want it to be. At least the title page is done, and done perfectly. Actually, I'd like to put in more art work. As long as the written paper doesn't go over 7 pages, I'll be okay. If I were an artist, I would do an illustration of an uncarved wooden block. Now, I'm envisioning drawing to scale, or using a vanishing point, or whatever it takes to draw a cube. Or, I could find a picture of a cube, and use my printer to copy it. Maybe that's too much. I'll consider it, if I get the words on the paper the way I want them.

Today I should be seeing and spending time with my Gregory. I am going to Marilyn's to do my laundry. That is automatic Gregory time. What I want to do is just grab him, hug him tightly, and plant kisses all over his cute little face. But, I will contain myself, as best I can. I love just hearing his voice, and his laugh, and watching him run, and climb, and be a little boy. How very blessed I am to have a little boy in my life, and know that my blood runs through his body, and that our souls are attached at a special level. So, despite my aches, pains , feelings of inability to accomplish what I want in life, or be all that I want to be, this little guy loves me.

March 9, 2010

I promised myself that today I would devote my day to studying for the quiz for class tonight, and doing some serious writing on my paper for the class. I haven't begun to do that yet. But, it is still morning. I am somewhat put together, and have taken necessary pills, and know that the Schwans man is coming today. In the meantime, the rest of the morning, and early afternoon are mine to work towards my goals for the day.

Okay, Jerrie and I tried Logitech last night, and it didn't work too well. I really believe that my system is not going to do this high tech stuff. I could see her, but it was splotchy, and I could hear her, but it was jumbled and a mess. Thus, no communication occured. It was interesting to try though.

I recieved communication from Deanna this morning. Her Face book messages come through my spam blocker, but, since they do, I get them. Surgery on her toe/foot. I do remember her Mother's toes and how horrible they looked , and how much they must have hurt her. Deanna inherited those toes. I somehow thought aunt Lula's were due to wearing shoes that were too small for her, but if Deanna had the same problem, it kind of looks like it was heritarily passed on. She has to keep her foot above her heart for most of the day, for several weeks. But, that is not stopping her from doing things she has wanted to do for years. Cleaning, and organizing recepies, drawers, and things that she can do while in a prone position. She is so energetic. I wish I had some of her enthusiasm for work. She finds "a way" to do the things that are on her mind. I tend to think about them, and let them slide. I find it easier to lay on my bed, on the massager/vibrator, and read, or nap. I enjoy that a lot. And I am beginning to feel very good about my pain pill, and the work it is doing.

I'm not getting as much out of "The Te of Piglet" as I had hoped I would. But, I will create something from there if it takes all day. I am thankful for the Dyer books on Daoism. They will give me a lot. Plus all the stuff I got off the internet like Wikipedia. The more I think about writing this paper, the more I consider only 7 pages. This could probably, if I milked it, go on for ten or twelve pages. I do love to expound!

My computer just said that Jerrie is available . So, when I get through here, I will try this Logitech thing again. I doubt it will make much difference. But, it can't hurt.

I want to devote as much time as possible to my Religion class today. Wouldn't it be nice to get another good grade on my quiz tonight? I don't know why I really care about the grade, since I am auditing the class, but , it makes me feel like I'm not totally over the hill.

I really think I am going to like this new Jodi Picoult book. It may not be good for book club use, but it's my option to enjoy.

March 8, 2010

I have been looking foward to this day since Friday afternoon. I knew since that time, that this was a free day. It's not that these are that rare, but at times they are more appreciated than at other times. Friday evening I was extremely tired and ached at every body part. Yet, I knew I had outside activities planned for the next two days, thus, a free Monday was a treasure to look forward to. ( Sentences should never end in a preposition)

So, on this "free" Monday I am taking the day as it comes. I will probably leave here for at least a few minutes to mail a bill and go to 7-11, but aside from that, I will try to remain as pain free as possible. I just took some pain "relievers" and am feeling a little more relaxed and slightly sleepy, but that's okay. at least I am not tense and nervous from body pain.

As I lay in bed last night I thought about moving along on my Dao paper, and I wish I had gotten out of bed, turned on Word Perfect and put those thoughts in here, because right now, the ideas and words I had running through my mind last night are fuzzy, and floating away from me. Maybe, as I open Word Perfect and put my fingers on the keypad, they will begin to come back to me. I certainly hope so.

I am about 6 pages away from finishing my Elm Creek Quilting book, and I guess I am stalling because I don't want it to end, as usual. But, I do have a Jody Picoult

book waiting to be opened. I am not in panic mode. Plus, I want to devote some serious thought time to my Dao paper, and do some serious work on it in the next two days. It would make me feel complete if I could have it finished by the 20th.

The more I study Daoism, the more I realize I do not really understand it's depth or full realization. But, I don't really have to. I only need a seven page paper with my thoughts and inturpretations of Daoism recorded in a proper fashion. I believe I can do that.

Perhaps too, in the next few days I can do a little more scrap booking, at least on Gregory. Maybe I'll invest a little time also in making Birthday cards for friends. I'm really impressed by the new stamp I bought the other day.

I would like to keep in mind, the rest of this day, the small wonders in my life. The fact that I have a personal, nice place to live. I can enjoy the white , puffy clouds in the sky of blue, I can experience Cricut, and my computer, and books, and personal thoughts, and create happiness in my soul by just eating a pistaccio, or, two, or three, or whatever. And Schwans delivers goodies to me tomorrow. Life's good!

March 7, 2010

Even my pinkie finger hurt this morning. Thus, pain pill at 7:15 A.M. It helped. I feel more alive and more energetic than I did when I first hit the floor this morning. That isn't saying a lot. It simply means that I am moving more easily than I did when I first got out of bed. But, I am looking forward to tomorrow with joy. I have no plans for tomorrow! It's reward time.

Yesterdays scrap booking session was cancelled. Shirley called to say she was sick. That gave me a free day! So, the intent was to scrap book all day. Didn't get any scrap booking done, but I did get out of the house, since I was ready for the day when she called. Went to the library to pick up Dyer's book, then to Roberts to spend money for things I just wanted and to take advantage of the coupons I have which would expire at the end of the day. Glad I did that.

Now I just need to get make-up on , and I can go to Bible study. After study I will return Marilyn's camera piece, and meet Julie for lunch at Virg's. The rest of the afternoon is mine. I may start again on coffee to keep me awake for Academy Awards. I need to be reading and studying for Religion class too. But , I have started my paper, and that feels very good. I have almost a page done. I'm still trying to figure out how to do footnotes. I'll figure something out.

Right now, I am feeling quite positive about life. I guess as soon as the pain pill wears off, I will be thinking of taking another one. I can see how people can get addicted to these. No one likes pain if there is an alternate solution.

My scrap booking desk is 90% cleared, and I am ready to unpack my scrap book cart. Maybe I will do another page or two this afternoon. But, I do have tomorrow, unless I screw it up. Somewhere around the edges, I need to do a little tiny bit of cleaning/organizing. My scrap booking area is so jumbled. However, maybe I work best in confusion. Who am I kidding?

March 6, 2010

Wonderful!!! The book I wanted by Dyer is on the library shelf waiting for me today. But first, I scrap book, again.

I did really enjoy yesterday. I made my way to Charm's and Julie, and Lorraine, and I joined Charm in her scrap book room to scrap book. She has the most ideal scrap book room. Well, she basically designed it herself, and decorated it, and of course ORGANIZED it. We talked and laughed, and shared photos of each other from our past, and shared our own means of doing scrap booking. I actually finished four whole pages, unless I decide to add a few embellishments to some of these. I wish I could find more birthday embellishments right this minute, but, I can always add them, as I find them. Charm is so cute. She even prepared lunch for us, and we really enjoyed that. So, we set up April 1 to do it again. Next time, I'll be a little more prepared, take exactly what I want, and be ready to move.

So, today, I am going to Shirley's to scrap book again. That's why I left the scrap booking stuff in the car. On the way over I will put a little gas in the car, pick up a fruit tray, and cash my $10 check. I really kind of miss scrap booking class now that it is over. But by the end of December, I was feeling burned out. It is so much fun to scrap book with others. It is a great way to pick up new ideas, and get totally inspired to move to the next page. I was proud of the page I did for Patsy. I could probably add more to the second page, but, I tend to overdo things quite often.

I just took a "lesser" pain pill and am feeling better. I guess keeping the pain under a little bit of control is the probable secret to enjoying my day more. Thus, I may take another one after scrap booking and library.

Next week at this time, I will be getting ready to engage in "my" activity for the Red Hat year. We are doing a movie at Jordan Landing, and lunch at Iggys. I hope enough people show up to make it really fun. I also hope that "Blind Side" is still playing so that we can see that one. I keep thinking that I should pick up a small gift for everyone for after the movie. But what? I'll think about it today, and maybe act on it Monday or Tuesday. I won't do the big splash that Julie does, but something that says thanks for showing up.

During the next week, I need to put as much time into my Religion paper as possible. I hope to get it 90% formalized by the 20th. This thing has potential, I hope I don't ruin it. Or leave out the most important points. I do have a lot of material to work with. And I have to remember this is not a thesis or an article I am trying to get published, just something I am happy about accomplishing. I can hardly wait until I get to the library now.

Okay, it is now pill time, make-up time, and the dreaded "getting shoes on" time. If I leave here a little before 9, the time period should be perfect. I expect less traffic this morning than on week-day late afternoons.

Time to think scrap booking!

March 5, 2010

Every day seems tiring to me now days. I was preparing for bed last night at 8:30 again. Missing the last half of Grey's Anatomy. And I really enjoy Grey's Anatomy.

Today I am headed to Charm's to scrap book. Maybe I will feel better once I get there. But right now my stomach aches, as well as my back and leg, and I am facing my sleepy feeling. Three more days, and I can sleep in, and not care what the world pushes at me. I look foreward to those days so much. I am almost thrilled with the idea that Cricut class is down to only one class left. Every day I feel like doing less and less. Thank heaven my appointment with the therapist is coming up soon. I wish it was today, or at least tomorrow.

I wish my Dyer book would appear on the library shelf for me. I need to get my hands on it, and soon.

My mind is not here today. I sincerely want to just go back to bed. What I should do is get the dishes out of the dishwasher. All in good time. Or, as I really feel like it.

March 4, 2010

In an hour I will be headed out for my third Cricut class. I do enjoy these classes. Although, I do feel pressured to accomplish a lot before my brain really picks up the essence of what I should be doing.

After class, I assume we will be having lunch. Then, I will either head home to unload what I have in my bag and repack it, or go directly to Marilyns to begin my laundry. Jeremy will be leaving a little before 4, so the rest of the afternoon, will belong to Gregory and I. Marilyn will cut my toe nails after she gets home.

I began the writing of my paper for class yesterday, although I'm not quite organized enough to really delve into it. But, I have indeed started. And, I was thrilled to be able to print the Yin/Yang symbol. I will put that on the cover page. I still need one more book from the library to research what I want, then I will dig right in and really begin.

I dusted a little bit yesterday, and I felt better about it. Yet, I had a bad time getting to sleep due to the pain in my leg. And I did take the big pain pill before I went to bed. It just seemed to take forever to kick in. My right leg hurt all the way down to my toes.

I am happy I put out some money on scrap booking paper and stuff. I probably could have gotten along without it, but, it makes me feel good to have it. I even used my Cricut machine to cut out Patsy's name yesterday.

I am suddenly feeling very sleepy. This does not make sense, since I had so much sleep last night. But that is the way I feel. I guess I just need to settle down a little. My tummy is rebelling too, and I have put nothing into it except coffee. Maybe that is the problem. But, I can't face food right now.

I need to start feeling better, and soon. I need to call the doctors office to get more pain pills before I leave here this morning.

Make-up needs to be put on. Hair needs help, and shoes must be strugggled into. Maybe tomorrow morning will feel better.

March 3, 2010

My whole day changed when Jeremy called this morning. But, it's fine. It leaves my day totally free. It just pushes things into different slots for tomorrow. And I courageously said no to Friday's request. As cold as it may feel, Friday is now his problem. I have looked forward to my Friday too much to change things. I deserve this. Due to changes in plans, I should spend part of today organizing the things I will take to all day scrap booking, at two places, for two days in a row. What a great way to spent Friday and Saturday!

So, now that my day is so free, I hope I don't end up wasting it. It could easily be done. I will go ahead and change the bed, and organize scrap booking pages, and perhaps begin journaling for Gregory. Maybe I will even begin the outlining for my religion paper. I really do want to get started on that. However, I am still waiting for one book from the library to look through to give me ideas. But I can introduce them when the time comes. Maybe I'll get myself together by later this afternoon, and go somewhere for a drink, or coffee, and read for awhile. I haven't done that for a long , long time. I don't want to spend the whole day in my apartment alone, and feeling scattered. I need a pattern to the day, in one way or another. If I can begin feeling better, I may even dust something. Maybe.

I went to the scrap book store Charm has been telling me about last night. It is so close to my class, it was easy. Yes, they do have everything. But the scrap book store on 33rd South, near Redwood Road is very much like it. Has sections to find specific things, so it is not that special. I went to Paper Creations yesterday, and browsed through the store, and spent about $25. But, I am happy I did it. I was due some new stuff. I do realize how very, very expensive scrap booking can be. New things, wonderful things appear in the scrap book market every day. The industry is booming. But, I do know my limitations, and I work accordingly. Besides, I do not have the space in my living area to hold all the available things I may want for my hobby. It requires that I use my imagination more if I don't have as much to work with. I will never have enough cartridges for my Cricut, but, I will live with what I have, and be satisfied.

Just two more weeks and I will see a therapist for my back. I really, really hope that from that day forward my back will hurt less. I don't know what to expect, but I am putting so much faith in some kind of real relief. It is difficult to even think when my back and leg hold all my attention.

Some days I get in here and feel like I am just rambling. But, it is such a comfort to know that I can do this. This has become a comfort zone for me. I guess that reveals how lonely I sometimes am. I find it very difficult some days to open my eyes in the morning, and look forward to another day with constant pain. Yet as long as I can keep my mind off the pain, I can glean the rewards of the rest of the day. Life is too short to just feel sorry for myself. Some days however, it is harder to enjoy the everyday things than it is on other , pain free days. Those are the days that, like now, I need to refocus, and look for even small rewards to life, and what blessings I do have. I have a beautiful daughter, whom I love with all my heart. I have the most wonderful grandson in the world. I have so many really good friends. I have more choices now in my life than I have ever had before, and although sometimes that is frightening, it is a great freedom. I know I have missed a lot of opportunities during my lifetime, and I am quite sure I will miss many more, but I need to more fully cherish the opportunities and see and act on, in the here and now. Who knows, someday, I may feel I have something more to add to my life story.

March 2, 2010

Yesterday was fun. Tiring, but fun. It proved that I can do several things in one day, just need to keep a positive attitude, and perhaps down a few small pain pills, and keep moving.

Our breakfast group comprised five. Judy, Mary, Julie, Charm and I. I enjoyed French toast with bacon. I only eat bacon when I eat away from home. Not entirely true, but it is the way it seems to happen. I seem to really savor it when I really want it. During breakfast, I missed Deanna's call about lunch at book club. However, I doubt it would have made a difference. I ate anyway.

I love our book club, and our closeness, but , sometimes I don't feel that we delve into any given book enough. We kind of skim the surface, deal with the obvious, and move right along. Maybe it is only me. I want more depth. However, seeing Deanna's quilt was wonderful. It is a wonderful quilt, so beautiful, in golds and white, and so much cross stitching, in zillions of tiny quilting stitches . It is a work of art. I love books about quilters and quilting. It's probably why I chose another Elm Creek Quiters book from the library yesterday after book club. And Deanna had put so much work into her salad. It was very , very good. I wouldn't go to that much effort for a salad for a group, but I was thankful that she did. Next month is Myrna's book choice. That always makes me a little fearful. She sometimes picks some strange books. But you have to love her for the broadness of her mind and soul.

Today, I promised myself that I would delve into the beginning of my Religion paper. I will at least start something on Word Perfect. Maybe not a lot, but I really need to start somewhere. I was so happy to pick up the Taoism book by Dyer yesterday, and the Piglet book. I really do believe that I can base my paper on Pooh and Piglet, and have it come out okay.

I also want to study my notes on Daoism today so that I can feel more confident about the quiz tonight. I would like to get a little better with each quiz as we go along. It's those stupid foreign words that screw me up. It's so hard to remember a word, or it's definition if you can't even formulate a proper pronunciation for the word itself. Sight is the only solution.

Sometime today too, I want to go to a scrap book store and find a few things I want to use to scrap book those two days of scrap booking I have coming up this week-end. I have to remember too, that I have a whole lot of stuff , in various places at home, that I can use. Research time. But I do want more card stock to work with. And perhaps a few more embellishments. One can never have too many embellishments. However, I should try to use my imagination to find good uses for things I have on hand. I do have a lot. So many things I am saving for something special. What does that mean? Every page deserves to be special, I'm not progressing unless I am attempting to make each page special. I hesitate many times, when I should just go with the flow and be inventive and free and open, and imaginative. Let the creative juices flow.

That half pain pill seems to be helping. Or else, just moving and getting things done is helping me keep my mind off the pain. Either way, I want to keep moving and accomplishing, and maintaining a happy , free attitude. Man, this page helps my attitude!

March 1, 2010

I just turned the calendar over, and filled in know appointments for the month. I think I am ready to tackle another month of my life. At least I know that in 17 days I will be seeing a physical therapist about my back pain. I have to place as much hope and faith in this man as is possible. Perhaps he can create a situation in which the pain is less, hopefully much less.

In another hour I will be on my way to Village Inn at South Towne to have breakfast with Red Hatters. I know that I can expect Charm, Julie, probably Judy, and myself. We are small, but we are fun. I have a new red hat, which I am going to wear today. I found it, because I liked the one Lorraine had on the other night, and she said she got it at Target. So, I hurried to Target after lunch yesterday and found it. I decorated it with a pretty purple ribbon, and a little fancy bow, and it is ready to be worn.

I have been looking forward to book club all month. Today is the day. Deanna's choice. The Persian Pickle Club. It was a fun book, and I think we will have a fun discussion. Then, I will make the trip to the library and hope that the two books I requested are on the shelf for me. If not, I will make another trip.

Tomorrow is free, except for class tomorrow night. I will dedicate tomorrow to class study. Wouldn't it be fun to know all the answers to the quiz? I also need to begin my paper for the class tomorrow. Just turn on Word Perfect , and begin. Have to start somewhere. I really would like to get my hands on the Dyer book before I begin though. But, begin I will.

In a few minutes I will take a "lesser" pain pill, get make-up and shoes on, and get ready to get out of here. On the way home from breakfast I will stop at the ink cartridge place and fill my cartridge. Not that the computer ever knows when the ink cartridge is full, but I do. So, in some ways I am smarter than the computer. Only in a small way.