August 29, 2010 Thoughts

My originial purpose for my blog spot was just to put down some of my thoughts. I seldom do that. I usually feel like they need to be fit for publication. Nonsense! These are my personal thoughts, and if they seem silly or unimportant to the outside world, so be it.

I am writing this under the influence of my nightly pain pill. I took it a little over an hour ago, and I am indeed feeling much less pain. What I am feeling is ambitious, and worthwhile, and able, and although a little sleepy, at least fully alive. I usually at this time want to make a list of things I want to do tomorrow, because I am full of ambition and a sense of happiness and usefulness that I only feel in this state. So, if I am slightly high on pain pills, so be it. I feel good right now about who I am, and what I am feeling, and secure, and totally functional. I am quite sure that at some time in my younger years I felt this way much more often than I do now.

I do remember times in my life, during my more productive and ambitious times that I felt I could take on many new projects and new challenges in life, although at that time, I was too insecure about my person ablilities to give them a try. Now that I am old enough to know that "nothing ventured, is nothing gained" my physical abilitiy to actually do them is not within my realm. Physically, at this point in time, I cannot walk for even a reasonable length of time due to my back problems. My stamina is also gone.

But, during these times of high wishful thinking, I am thinking I would like to drag out the sewing machine tomorrow and sew up at least one quilt block, or trim off the ones that I cut out wrong. I would like to finish the two letters I still want to write. I want to pull out the vacuum and at least cover the living room floor, and perhaps dust the area involved. But, I know that I will do the things that have priority on my mind. Start the pork in the crock pot, calculate what is in my checking account, and make changes to the banking situation if need be. I would like to also go to TOSH and get in a little maintenance time, buy cigatettes and hamburger buns, and get all things to Marilyn's house by 2:30. Then I will probably focus on reading as much as I can while I am there, and water the tomato plant, and feed it.

I like my new neighbor, Tina. I wasn't sure I would to begin with. She seemed a little weird to me when I first met her, but the more I talk to her, the more I like her, and appreciate her. I gave me a beautiful plant today, and she has been working on my landscaping for the past week, and she is so good for my sense of self.

I am happy that I helped Julie out today. It made me feel really good about who I am. And I am happy that she suggested the things to help my constipation problem. I went right out and bought grapes, and raisins, and prunes. And I think I am feeling better. At least emotionally.

It sounded good to hear from my beautiful daughter this evening. She is so special to me.

I'm not enjoying the crocheting as much as I want to. But, I will plug along. Perhaps I will finish all the black squares first, so that I can get them out of my way.

I wonder if I can change my hair appointment to a different time. It can't hurt to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I want to mark all my September events on my September page of the calendar tomorrow. Maybe I will feel more like I DO have a real life.

I should be going to sleep soon. Heaven fobid I mess up my sleep schedule.

Aug. 20, 2010

I've been back from my vacation for a week. In some ways it feels like I just returned to town. I loved my time in Idaho. I did many things, all of which I fully enjoyed.

The class reunion was nice. It was great to see so many people I had not seen for many , many years. But in so many ways, it felt just like being at the last one, five years ago. Seeing old friends and childhood friends seemed so empty in ways. We used to know each other so well, had so many things in common. Now, we just seemed like senion citizen strangers who used to relate on many levels, but could not fully experince each others lives anymore. So many values have changed and life's experiences have left all of us with different feelings about our own lives. All of our lives are now filled with our own families, and feelings of inner security, or deep sorrow that we cannot seem to share with these people who are now strangers to us. Three hours spent in a room, over food and songs, and funny stories of old times, cannot rekindle those feelings we shared when our lives were based on such different goals and values. Yet, we are all the same. But the unity was lacking.

I more fully enjoyed the time after the reunion, with Deanna. She and I are more honest with each other, because we know each other, and share family blood and ties. We understand the value of honesty. I don't believe there is anything in the world that can connect people like being real and honest with each other. We all share the same needs and desires and hopes from life.

As usual, I loved my time with Jerrie, and being in her space. I had time there to love nature, and friends, and talk, and feelings, and the opportunity to meet new friends, and share times and happy laughter, food, and fun with them as well. I did try to just relax and take a minute at a time while I was there, and for moments of each day, I felt very relaxed and loved and appreciated.

I took pictures of the cabin, inside and out, and I will make a scrap book section to reflect the feelings I have about that time and space.

I am extremely happy that my colonoscopy is over. I really hate that procedure!

I loved my time with Red Hatters today, and am excited about our newly forming book club.

I have fully enjoyed my time with Gregory for the past week. We are fully back together. He is my joy!!!!

Now I need to get my life back into exercise routines, and regain some of my strengh and agility, and maybe, negate some of my back pain issues. I have to maintain positivity.