I'm going to use this space today just as I would if I were writing in a journal. Opening notebook, putting pen to paper. I am taking my chances, because I know at least two people read this, and I am not looking for sympathy, or criticism , or advise. I am simply putting my thoughts in a place where I can look at them, analyze them, think about them, and pull myself out of my dismal outlook on life today.
Yesterday seemed like a day of torture, and unhappiness, and sense of loss. Until my grandson entered into my world. What a joy that child is to me. I spent most of my day flat on my back, on the vibrator/massage pad. I did most of my exercies, I took my regular pills and pain pills. And I spent 90% of my day feeling sorry for myself. Even talking to Karen for awhile on the phone didn't really help me. Somehow, her situation mirrored mine so closely, that I actually felt justified in my misery.
But, Gregory poured sunshine into my heart and soul within minutes!!!! I was standing at the bottom of the steps to the school, watching for him to come through the doorway with the throng of other little people, and as soon as we saw each other, he smiled, and my heart opened up to receive him fully. Very deep in my being I wanted to just grab him, hold him very tightly, and envelope him in all the love I felt for this little being, who is part of me. When we were crossing the street to my car he held my hand for a few seconds, and I embraced the deep connection between us. As we got into the car, secured seat belts, and started the car, I began rolling up the windows to allow the cool of the air conditioner to do it's thing. I rolled up the window next to Gregory last, and once it was rolled up, I heard it going down again. I gave him my "mean grandma" scolding, and he giggled in delight and rolled it back up again. Moments later he rolled it down again, and I again gave him my false displeasure voice. Again he giggled. I told him how much I loved his laugh. Which I really do. In the few blocks to his home, he told me about a car wash that washes a car so it stays clean, and explained that it is the wax job that does it. He wanted to show me the car wash immediately, but, I knew that he couldn't really give me directions so I talked him out of that. Right this minute, I wish I had just taken that time to advdnture with him. When we pulled in his driveway at home, we noticed the trash cans on the street, so as soon as he got out of the car, he said " I'm going to get the cans off the street. I get money to do it." So I opened the garage door as we went to retrieve them, and as I expected, his Dad's car was in it's place. Gregory rolled the big trash can into it's place, and went to get the second one still on the street. As I opened the kitchen door his dad appreared from the upstairs, and came out to the garage. When Gregory saw him, he looked at him in shock, and said "What the.....?" Once in the house, Gregory went to change into comfies and as he was busy I was asking Jer how he was, and if he wanted me to stay. He told me I could go, that if he needed something he would call his mother. So, I began picking up my things to return to my car, and Gregory was back down in the kitchen and said, " Grandma, can't you stay with me for awhile. I would like you to." I almost teared up on the spot. I told him that was the sweetest thing he could have said, then I considered the fact that Jeremy was in the house, and I could go home and lay on my pad again, and as nicely as I could told Gregory I would go home, but that I would see him tomorrow as I pick him up from school. I kissed him, and left. I was a little difficult to get to the car without wishing I could change my mind and go back for an hour to spent the loving time with Gregory.
Yesterday, and again this morning, I felt so unhappy when I got out of bed, and realized, as usual, that the pain from previous days was still what I was conscious of as I got out of bed. Just one morning I would like to get out of bed thrilled that I am here, and have a purpose, and a new day to enjoy and experience. Where did that enthusiasm go? I used to feel that way most of the time. But yesterday seemed to drag me down so much during the day, that until I picked up Gregory, and was with him for that short time, I saw no real purpose for being up, dressed, or even getting out of the house
I'm not sure these exercises are working, and I resent working this hard, and pushing myself the such pain level for such a small amount of relief for such a short time. I am trying to measure the over-all good these therapy exercises are doing, and it is getting harder to find the benefits at all. Okay, it's only been a week, and as with yesterday, I only did them half-heartedly, but I am so impatient, and am so tired of the constant pain. I don't want to face the ordeal of going back to the Dr. and finding out that there is no possiblity for back surgery for me, or be shown the negative possible results of surgery on my back. I want to back time up to where I was three years ago, and not allow myself to fall and break my arm to begin with. Constant pain is so hard to live through and with on a daily basis. Am I strong enough to surround myself with the proper spirit and positive affirmations and attitudes to maintain a good life? I would like to think I am, but perhaps I am weaker than I think I am. I am not good at just enduring to the end. But, at this point, I have no choice but to look at each situation in my life in the brightest light I possibily can. That seems to be my only defence. I must keep in mind that I am stronger than the challenge of the daily pain. It is the only way I can make my life happier.
So, for the next few hours I will not think about the pain of the exercises which must be done to try to improve my muscle tone and possibly remove just some of the pain of moving. I will focus on the positives of what I going on around me. In another hour or so, I will be leaving to go have lunch with my Red Hat friends. While in that location, I want to keep in mind that I am there to enjoy their company and being with them, and good food, and a different experience than yesterday. I will focus on "one day at a time", and perhaps even one minute or hour at a time. Only I can improve my attitude, and I must do it for my self preservation. Life is too short to waste in self-pity. Maintain positive attitude!!!!
