Status Changes and Anxiety

Once a pattern for life is set in my mind and heart, it is so hard to change it. Change of almost any kind, brings on undo amounts of anxiety.

I'm quite sure my status is changing , soon, very soon, and my mind it not ready for the change. It is not a bad change. In fact it is and should be a very happy change. But , still the anxiety exists. It disturbed my sleep last night, and as a result has caused me physical pain, and upset stomach all day long.

I should be thrilled to death, and in a way, I am. I will soon be back into Gregory's everyday life, and we can again regain our closeness, and mutual bonding. He is such a joy to me. But, at the same time, my daily life will change, and not terribly comfortably.

Son-in-law appears to have a job, a good job, a promising job, and a profitable job. For them, it is an answer to prayer. They have been hanging on finacially to a thread for many months, and it in turn has upset me to see the pain and anxiety my beautiful daughter has been going through. Now things will turn around, and their world will eventually have some stability, and security, which has been seriously needed for many, many months.

For me, with my severe back pain, it will mean more, and prolonged daily back pain, and tiredness. It will mean that the things I normally do for myself, on a daily basis, will not always be available to be. Can I adjust to not getting to my TOSH pool exercises? Can I adapt to not being able to rest when the need arises? What about other activities I have picked up in the last year? Can my schedule work around his so that I can do the other things I love? Will I have help and cooperation from the other grandparents?

It will be easier once school starts again. And after that time, I will be freer to use my days as I choose. It's only for the first month that I worry about the sudden changes in my lifestyle.

I love him so much and have missed our time together. I am so happy that this change should eradicate much of Marilyn's anxiety. I will really love being part of his life again.

But change is difficult. Even positive change. Am I really able to do this , and do it as well as I would like to for their sake? Will I disappoint them, and myself? Will my body endure this?

So many questions and fears. My head aches. My body aches, and my stomach is feeling nauseous. Questions and fears keep running through my head.

I love him so much. And I have longed for this time for over a year. So why now am I such a train wreak?