Grandma Di is back!

Gregory and I are now aware that Grandma Di is back. We are back. Our mutual comfort is back. And I am so happy about that.

When I think how nervous and worried I was last week at this time, it seems so silly now. But at that time the uncertainty was there in heavy doses. All it took was two days to renew the old feelings of comfort that only come with being alone with my only grandson.

But this time, I cannot hug him to my satisfaction, or cover his cute little face with kisses every few minutes. He has grown beyond that, and this is a little painful for me. Because if I did what I really want to do, I would be hugging and kissing him all day long. But I know that he loves me more for not attempting to do it. This child is growing so quickly, and maturing faster than my emotions can deal with. But being a wise old woman, I know the passion I feel for him must remain subdued. Our closeness yet remains very much in tact. How blessed I am. I know too that his mother is happy that I am back in this position. And I am thankful for having a little more time with her than I have had for quite awhile.

I am still trying to balance the rest of my life with my "grandma tending " responsibilities. I am more of a complete person when I do more that try to be the center of my little grandson's life. I am becoming more "me" and that makes me happier, and more interesting, and more able to love and be loved. My only wish is that I was at least ten years younger, and my physical body had many more abilities than it is feeling now. I still feel that life has so much to offer me, and that I am not taking advantage of all opportunities, and not reaching out far enough. Maybe too, I am now allowing myself to feel deeply either.

Why do I always feel this much better in the night time, two to three hours after I have taken my pain pill, and am relaxed in bed? I have felt pain through my body all day long, and just was waiting for evening to come so that I could feel this relaxed, and this good. Why can't I rationally allow myself to feel this free and good during the day? I do believe that the answer is in the fact that during the day I allow myself to worry about what may happen, what could happen, what I fear will happen, and do not realize how to just relax and flow. I have used my whole lifetime thinking about the next hour, day, week, month, and never allow myself to just "feel the moment". I wonder if I could better my life by consciously thinking about the good in every moment during each day. And will I remember this conscious moment tomorrow when even the slightest thing begins to worry me?